Post # 1
I know it isn’t proper to rescind an invitation. However, a situation has occurred, and I can no longer invite someone to my wedding.
I am inviting a group of about a dozen friends to my wedding. The last time some of them were hanging out, one of the men sexually assault one of the women. I recently found out about the assault. I was talking to my friend (who was the victim), and she asked who from our friend group was invited. When she heard he was on the guest list, she told me what happened. She doesn’t want to be around him. I am much closer to her and was only inviting him in the first place because he’s part of the friend group (I’m not close friends with him and we never hang out 1-on-1). Because of this, I no longer want him at my wedding (my fiancé doesn’t want him there either). I didn’t find out about it until after sending save the dates, so I did send him one. I haven’t sent invitations yet and won’t be for several months. We had a facebook message with everyone that I started to get addresses for the save the dates. I have removed everyone from that group message and am going to start a new one with everyone except him when I have information to send them about the hotel.
Do I need to contact him to tell him he no longer needs to save the date? Or is not sending him an invitation enough? I hate confrontation, so if I should contact him, what should I say?
Post # 2
Don’t send him an invitation. Block him on social media. Erase him from your life. I hope your friend reported him and is getting some counseling to get through this.
Post # 3
The etiquette would really only matter if you intended on maintaining a relationship with this person, which obviously you don’t intend to. This is a situation in which rescinding an invite is perfectly acceptable.
I agree with PP. Don’t send an invite and shut down all communication. It will be obvious he’s no longer invited to the wedding as he’s no longer welcome in your life.
Post # 4
Assault is pretty much the antithesis of etiquette, so you’re good. Burn that bridge.
‘Hi, heard about what you did to so and so. You are no longer welcome to my wedding, or to play any further role in my fiancé’s and my life.’
Shut that sh*t down so he knows it won’t be tolerated and that his secret is out.
Post # 5
Don’t send him and invite or any other information about your wedding. If someone from the group asks, simple tell them he is no longer invited. I would not share the assault story to protect the victim. A sexual assault is traumatic and often times the victims don’t want to be treated like they’re made of glass or feel pitied.
Post # 6
Nope, I’d shut that down quick. I like PPs note about ending the friendship and cutting him out of your life entirely. IMO this is less about the wedding and more about kicking him to the curb in general.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
10/10 would not invite. Best reason to disinvite someone, ever.
I agree that telling him why (via a message or however you feel comfortable) is the best idea. It’s high time we make these sexual assaulters feel awkward and uncomfortable about their tendencies to treat other people’s bodies as public property.
Post # 8
You can simply not send him an invite, but you have the opportunity to speak out for your friend and let him know he’s persona non grata. He violated your friend’s right to privacy, why should you feel need to tiptoe around his feelings?
As this is a very relevant topic, I thought I might share this interview of a writer and the guy who assaulted her. A major reason why her assault didn’t further harm her psyche was she was believed, her friends circled around her, and shunned him- the one at fault. You have the opportunity to do the same for your friend: https://splinternews.com/i-didnt-want-to-be-one-of-those-people-i-was-i-am-1819711373#_ga=2.75406354.1018543512.1508163037-263105756.1501620104
Post # 9
Agreed with PPs. Adding my vote for cutting him out all together. I would encourage your friend to be brave and report the assault, as well. Leaving him without consequence and free to assault more women is not okay. Make his conscience hurt enough that he won’t try it again.
Post # 10
Just don’t send him an invitation. Done. You don’t owe him anything.
Also, before possibly making it more public and possibly contacting him to tell him why, I would talk to your friend about it and assure her that he will not be invited and that your focus in this situation is making her feel safe.
While intentions are good in circling the wagons and shunning him publicly, your friend may not want what happened to be discussed beyond her trusted friend circle. Ask her before you confront him since at this point she may not be ready for that.
bewitched : agreed.
Post # 11
I’d just not send an invite and cut further contact. If he enquires about it then you will have to give the reason, but hopefully he won’t. This is assuming your Save the Date didn’t contain enough information for him to actually know when and where to turn up.