Post # 1
Ok. Before I start, this is really tough. I am a very big manners person but in this case I do not know what to do. I am marrying the most wonderful man and I adore his family. He has a sister and a brother. We have asked his sister to be a bmaid and his brother will be the Best Man. Here comes the sticky part. My fiancés little brother is marrying my pledge sister from my sorority. We were not best friends in college but we were friendly and hung out in some of the same circles. Once we found out we were dating brothers (we met them on our own), we hung out a lot and had a great time with the four of us. When I became engaged last November, I thought it would be lovely to have her be a bmaid. My finance and mother in law to be also pressured me to do so, but I agreed it was a lovely gesture and would set a good tone for closeness in the family going forward. Everything was going great until 3 months later when my sorority sister got engaged to my fiancés brother. She did a total 180. Stopped returning my calls and texts. Not showing up for wedding events and not even contacting me to say she would not be attending. Matters got worse, when she announced in front of me, my mother and our future mother in law to be that she had already ordered her bmaids dresses for her wedding and was so excited about her bridal and house party. The key here is she didn’t invite me to do anything in their wedding! She invited my fiancé to be best man and my fiancés sister to be a bmaid but left me out completely. She didn’t even ask me to be house party or hand out programs. TO ad insult to injury she never even talked to me about the awkward situation. If she had, I wouldn’t be completely happy but I would at least feel I was awarded some respect.
Anyway, now I feel like a fool for inviting her to play such an important roll in our wedding and I would like to politely see if she would step down. Saying something like, “if you don’t really want to be a part of this, you can back out.” But deep down, I want to uninvite her altogether and my feelings are very hurt. My fiancé and mother in law to be (who also doesn’t really like my future sister in law to be agree I should univite her. But my southern mother and aunts believe that once you extend such an invite you can’t take it back, no matter how much someone hurts or disrespects you. Thoughts?
Post # 3
this person is going to be in your life forever. i understand that you’re hurt, but it is a huge insult to ask her to step down and we all know two wrongs don’t make a right.
that said, just because she’s a bridesmaid does not mean you need to include her in everything. she doesn’t need to come dress shopping, get a say in the bmaid dress, etc.
i’m sorry- i hate feeling excluded. she’s mean and petty- don’t be like her.
Post # 4
i agree with your mother and aunts, once you extend an invite, you cannot take it back. hopefully she respectfully declines…soon. does she have her dress for your wedding already?? if yes, she’s not going anywhere.
Post # 5
Agree with PPs, you can’t uninvite her. Just be the bigger person.
Post # 6
I’d kick her to crub and not bat an eye. She sounds like a real beyotch. But I can’t deny that it would be against the ettitque rules to do so. I think giving her an out is the best course of action.
Post # 7
Why not just speak to her, at this point the damage is done. I would pull her aside and say that your feeling are hurt that you weren’t asked to be included in her wedding. Also mention that you feel she isn’t very itnerested in being in yours.
Post # 8
Post # 9
But I would not uninvited her. I don’t think she’s done anything wrong.
Post # 10
You can’t uninvite her like this. You asked her, and now you have to deal with it. She’ll be around for a long time, and this will just cause more and more drama.
Post # 11
I agree with some of the PPs who said that it’s kind of rude to uninvite her now. I understand that you’re very upset, but be the bigger person. You are going to be in each other’s lives for a very long time, and it’s not great to get started on the wrong foot. In the end, she’s going to look like the mean jerk who didn’t have you in her wedding to everyone else.
Post # 12
@portermuse: So she is not returning calls or helping? She needs a “I know you are a bride now so if you want you can leave my wedding party” call.
Her being a bad Bridesmaid or Best Man to you is NOT FAIR to your other bridal party members.
Post # 13
I may get some crap for saying this but..
If you really don’t want her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man then, tell her so. I know it may not be the “polite” or proper thing to do, but it is your wedding and if she is upsetting you that much/you really don’t want her.. nobody can force you. I’ve had to make several changes to my bridal party (no i’m not a bridezilla but we reduced our bridal party size, and I had one girl who was really flakey… as in would commit to stuff and not show up).. If that’s how she is being, you don’t want to have to stress/worry about whether or not she’ll flake for the wedding.
I say, do what you need to do.
ETA: but that being said, if you do kick her to the curb, make sure you are prepared for the consequences since she will be part of your life forever… you know?
Post # 14
Could you possibly send a very sweet and polite note along the lines of, “Now that you’re engaged I know how busy you’re going to be in the months ahead. Would it be easier if you weren’t a bridesmaid in my wedding? I adore you but since I personally know how much work goes into planning a wedding and I’d rather not add stress in your life.”
Post # 15
Well, I decided to talk with her and give her a gracious way out and it totally backfired. She accused me of trying to push her out because I was “a sore loser.” I assured her that I did want her in the wedding, but that her actions (inlcuding but not limited to her not asking me) led me to believe that she may be uncomfortable with the whole thing. So, I wanted to give her a chance to backout. Anywho, long story short, she is still in. She then turned around and called my fiance to complain to him about how I had no right to have my feelings hurt. He listened to her and tried to keep the peace. Then, today he just lost it called her and confronted her head on about how he was the one that was really upset and wanted to know if it was her idea to leave me out or his brothers. She was defenisve and crying. Still doesn’t see how she hurt us both, and playes the victim. Oh, well after weeks of being so hurt and upset like this, I am finally able to let it go after talking to her, even though I didn’t get the response I hoped for. Sometimes you gotta love the unlovable with a love that only a higher power allows you and suddenly you just don’t care if they ever return graciousness.
Post # 16
@portermuse: So even though she thinks you are a sore loser she still wants to be a BM? This same girl who does not show up any longer shows up to wedding events?
Your Maid/Matron of Honor needs to tell her then that she has a duty to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and as she expects HER bridal party to be helpful she needs to be as well or she can bow out.
She needs one more time to not pull her weight or she needs to be old to leave. I guess I’m mean but I have a low tolerance for BS.