Post # 1
I have a situation surrounding my tiny new years eve wedding. Some background: my fi and I decided to have a small ceremony at city Hall on new years eve, followed by dinner and cocktails at a local wine bar. The ceremony is at 4p followed by dinner and drinks in a private room from 5-9p. There were 25 of our closest friends, family, and their SOs invited and they have all rsvp’d (yay!).
The dilemma: my best friend and Maid/Matron of Honor informed me that she and her bf are coming for the ceremony and will be having their 7 month old daughter dropped off by their sitter early in the reception, around 6p, and then leaving early, at approximately 7p. My fiance and I did not plan on having children at this gathering and let our guests know this prior to sending the invitations. The rest of our guests were incredibly understanding and very gracious about making arrangements for their children to be taken care of for the evening, so I’m feeling put out that my Maid/Matron of Honor made this decision without asking me.
Additionally, during my final dress fitting over the weekend, my mother (queen of no chill) took it upon herself to confront my Maid/Matron of Honor about bringing the baby. The conversation did not go well, my friend became very defensive and insisted that she was bringing the baby and basically told my mom that as the baby’s mother it was her decision. Previously, I was under the impression that my Maid/Matron of Honor was unable to find a sitter for the whole evening and had been trying to work out a way to address this with her, but through her conversation with my mom, I found out that was not the case and she didn’t want to be away from the baby for more than 2-3 hours.
I’m really at a loss for how to address this situation since I don’t want to have a fight with my Maid/Matron of Honor 3 weeks before my wedding, but I also don’t think an intimate, adults only reception is a good place for a young baby (the space we rented is very small with no where to take the baby if she needs to nurse or becomes cranky besides the restroom, which I don’t think is ideal).
Any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated. Thank you all and happy holidays!
Post # 2
You get to choose what is more imporant to you, your adults only event or your close friend attending. It is as simple as that really. It is your right to choose an adult only wedding but it is also her right to decide that she can’t attend.
Did you stop to think that maybe what she said to your mother wasn’t the truth but was just what she said after being so rudely confronted? It was also not your mothers business to interfere.
You need to talk to your friend.
Post # 3
My thought is that nursing babies always get an exception at these kind of events. The baby is not an “uninvited guest” as your post title leads me to believe — it’s an infant! You’re lucky the mother is even willing to leave the child with a sitter for a few hours — most mothers I know don’t want to leave their babies with sitters unnecessarily, particularly when they’re that young.
If I were you, I’d let her know it’s fine to bring the baby after the ceremony and apologize for how the conversation with your mother went.
In the end, the baby will only be there for about an hour. If both parents are there, I’m sure they can figure out what to do with a cranky baby without disrupting the whole event.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
I’d just tell her that you don’t want any kids there and that it’s innapropriate. Did you tell her when you first asked her to be maid of honour that you are having a kid free wedding?
Post # 5
AngelWingz : Did you discuss the “no children” issue with Maid/Matron of Honor beforehand? Not merely have it on the invitation, but discuss it? Because, especially since she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor, this should have been discussed and sorted out a while ago. I’d be inclined to side with you if it had been discussed, but with Maid/Matron of Honor if it hadn’t been discussed.
7 months is a tricky age because to me it’s borderline as to whether it falls under “exception for nursing infants”. Most babies that age can be left for some time, but it really depends on the baby and the mother.
Post # 6
I discussed the no children policy with my Maid/Matron of Honor on multiple occasions prior to invites being sent out. We talked about it frequently and I erroneously assumed she understood. I would like to add that I watch her baby two days a week for 6-8 hours a day, while moh’s sister watches her the same amount of time. Moh’s sister is the one watching her the day of the wedding, and after apologizing profusely to my Maid/Matron of Honor for my mother’s behavior, my friend told me her sister had no issue watching the baby for longer, but that my friend and her bf preferred to have the baby with them.
Post # 7
Am I reading this right, the baby is only going to be there for an hour?
Post # 8
j_jaye : JiminyCricket : aussiemum1248 : waterg : Also, thank you all for your replies! I love this site for the diversity of perspectives and opinions; it really helps me see all sides of an issue 🙂
Post # 9
Horseradish : yes the baby will be dropped off at some point during dinner and my Maid/Matron of Honor and her bf had planned on leaving within an hour or so after to bring the baby home
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
Is there a reason her sister can’t look after her for 5 hours seeing as she frequently takes care of the baby? I know most bees will say that you can’t tell her what to do and while I agree you can’t demand she stays, it seems like she is just digging her heels in now when for one evening she could be without the baby.
Post # 11
EllyAnne : Thank you for your response, her sister can watch the baby for longer, the issue is my moh and her bf have decided that they don’t want to be away from the baby for more than a couple hours that day because it’s a holiday. I guess I’m just not understanding why it’s a big deal to leave the baby with the sitter for an extra hour or so, and I was blindsided when my Maid/Matron of Honor told me about this plan last week after she knew this was going to be a child free event.
Post # 12
This is not an uninvited guest – you don’t have to pay for another meal or add a place setting or add another person to the bar tab. This is a small baby completely dependent on adults for nourishment and it’s care – basically an appendage of it’s parents. The kid doesn’t even walk yet and will be there under an hour. The kid isn’t even cognizant of what’s going on. If the kid fusses then they leave earlier – super simple. The kid could also be perfectly content and quiet and their presence will barely register. It’s not like babies scream 24/7 and she’s doing this purposefully to ruin your wedding. She’s a new mom with a child completely dependent on her and that child is probably on a pretty tight feeding and sleep schedule and her comfort level right now is to not be away from the kid for more than a few hours. She is under no obligation to stay for the entire party, just like any other guest. You don’t have to like it or understand it; just understand it is her prerogative. Babies are out in restaurants all over the place, most of the time without incident – she’s not asking to bring the child to the ceremony, nor is she asking/expecting the kid to be present for the entire occasion. This isn’t the hill I would die on unless you feel like causing a rift between you and your friend, because she’s your friend the other 364 days of the year that she’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor. Trust that she’s a good mom and will remove her kid from the situation if they become to disruptive.
Post # 13
Your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds selfish. If there is only going to be an hour or two difference between when she had originally picked up her baby, she should have stuck to the original plan so as not to interrupt your wedding. That she is springing this on you and has been lying to you demands a confrontation. Point out to her that what she told your mother is not what she told you. She should be the one apologizing since you talked to her and were clear and upfront about what your expectations are, she selfishly chose to ignore them whereas she could have easily stepped down from her role as Maid/Matron of Honor.
Edit: Sorry, mixed up some words.
Post # 14
Your Maid/Matron of Honor is in the wrong.
1) she does not get to “inform” you she is bringing her baby to a child free wedding. It is not her decision if the baby comes or not, it is yours and your FIs. She gets to *ask* for an exception. She gets to decline the invitation if the answer is no. She does not get to dictate that her baby comes.
2) if the baby is watched for 6-8 hours during the week, and her sister is available, then this is not a genuine childcare issue where the child can’t be left.
3) she told you something different to her sister.
Actually Jiminycricket nursing babies are not always an exception. It’s up to the bride and groom if they have babies there or not, but if not they need to understand some parents may not be able to attend and not get pissy about declines. It is etiquette approved to have no babies present as long as you don’t pick and choose and treat people differently. OP that’s not actually the point here though. The point here is she was presumptuous and misled you, and seems not to want to be as supportive as she can of you on your wedding day.
Post # 15
AngelWingz : Is it possible that sister happens to have a life on New Years Eve and that while she would typically watch the baby longer, she’d rather not this time? I mean I honestly don’t know why Maid/Matron of Honor wouldn’t say so if that were the case, but just wondering. I don’t get the logic that because it’s a holiday she can’t be away from her baby as long as is typical – baby has no idea it’s a holiday. I also think she’s digging in her heels for no reason. But it’s not a hill I’d die on, either. They’ll be gone shortly, she probably just wants to show it off or something. I think I’d roll my eyes and move on, and if the baby creates a fuss, tell her sorry she has to leave so soon, but baby comes first!