Uninvited Guests

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You get to choose what is more imporant to you, your adults only event or your close friend attending. It is as simple as that really. It is your right to choose an adult only wedding but it is also her right to decide that she can’t attend.

Did you stop to think that maybe what she said to your mother wasn’t the truth but was just what she said after being so rudely confronted? It was also not your mothers business to interfere.

You need to talk to your friend.

Post # 3
Member
13589 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

My thought is that nursing babies always get an exception at these kind of events.  The baby is not an “uninvited guest” as your post title leads me to believe — it’s an infant!  You’re lucky the mother is even willing to leave the child with a sitter for a few hours — most mothers I know don’t want to leave their babies with sitters unnecessarily, particularly when they’re that young.

If I were you, I’d let her know it’s fine to bring the baby after the ceremony and apologize for how the conversation with your mother went. 

In the end, the baby will only be there for about an hour.  If both parents are there, I’m sure they can figure out what to do with a cranky baby without disrupting the whole event.

Post # 4
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

I’d just tell her that you don’t want any kids there and that it’s innapropriate. Did you tell her when you first asked her to be maid of honour that you are having a kid free wedding? 

Post # 5
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

AngelWingz :  Did you discuss the “no children” issue with Maid/Matron of Honor beforehand? Not merely have it on the invitation, but discuss it? Because, especially since she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor, this should have been discussed and sorted out a while ago. I’d be inclined to side with you if it had been discussed, but with Maid/Matron of Honor if it hadn’t been discussed.

7 months is a tricky age because to me it’s borderline as to whether it falls under “exception for nursing infants”. Most babies that age can be left for some time, but it really depends on the baby and the mother.

Post # 7
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Am I reading this right, the baby is only going to be there for an hour?

Post # 10
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

Is there a reason her sister can’t look after her for 5 hours seeing as she frequently takes care of the baby? I know most bees will say that you can’t tell her what to do and while I agree you can’t demand she stays, it seems like she is just digging her heels in now when for one evening she could be without the baby. 

Post # 12
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee

 This is not an uninvited guest – you don’t have to pay for another meal or add a place setting or add another person to the bar tab.   This is a small baby completely dependent on adults for nourishment and it’s care – basically an appendage of it’s parents.  The kid doesn’t even walk yet and will be there under an hour.  The kid isn’t even cognizant of what’s going on.  If the kid fusses then they leave earlier – super simple.  The kid could also be perfectly content and quiet and their presence will barely register.  It’s not like babies scream 24/7 and she’s doing this purposefully to ruin your wedding.  She’s a new mom with a child completely dependent on her and that child is probably on a pretty tight feeding and sleep schedule and her comfort level right now is to not be away from the kid for more than a few hours.  She is under no obligation to stay for the entire party, just like any other guest.  You don’t have to like it or understand it; just understand it is her prerogative.  Babies are out in restaurants all over the place, most of the time without incident – she’s not asking to bring the child to the ceremony, nor is she asking/expecting the kid to be present for the entire occasion.  This isn’t the hill I would die on unless you feel like causing a rift between you and your friend, because she’s your friend the other 364 days of the year that she’s not your Maid/Matron of Honor.  Trust that she’s a good mom and will remove her kid from the situation if they become to disruptive. 

Post # 13
Member
1273 posts
Bumble bee

Your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds selfish. If there is only going to be an hour or two difference between when she had originally picked up her baby, she should have stuck to the original plan so as not to interrupt your wedding. That she is springing this on you and has been lying to you demands a confrontation. Point out to her that what she told your mother is not what she told you. She should be the one apologizing since you talked to her and were clear and upfront about what your expectations are, she selfishly chose to ignore them whereas she could have easily stepped down from her role as Maid/Matron of Honor.

Edit: Sorry, mixed up some words.

Post # 14
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

Your Maid/Matron of Honor is in the wrong. 

 

1) she does not get to “inform” you she is bringing her baby to a child free wedding. It is not her decision if the baby comes or not, it is yours and your FIs. She gets to *ask* for an exception. She gets to decline the invitation if the answer is no. She does not get to dictate that her baby comes.

2) if the baby is watched for 6-8 hours during the week, and her sister is available, then this is not a genuine childcare issue where the child can’t be left.

3) she told you something different to her sister.

 

Actually Jiminycricket nursing babies are not always an exception. It’s up to the bride and groom if they have babies there or not, but if not they need to understand some parents may not be able to attend and not get pissy about declines. It is etiquette approved to have no babies present as long as you don’t pick and choose and treat people differently. OP that’s not actually the point here though. The point here is she was presumptuous and misled you, and seems not to want to be as supportive as she can of you on your wedding day.

Post # 15
Member
6603 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

AngelWingz :  Is it possible that sister happens to have a life on New Years Eve and that while she would typically watch the baby longer, she’d rather not this time?  I mean I honestly don’t know why Maid/Matron of Honor wouldn’t say so if that were the case, but just wondering.  I don’t get the logic that because it’s a holiday she can’t be away from her baby as long as is typical – baby has no idea it’s a holiday.  I also think she’s digging in her heels for no reason.  But it’s not a hill I’d die on, either.  They’ll be gone shortly, she probably just wants to show it off or something.  I think I’d roll my eyes and move on, and if the baby creates a fuss, tell her sorry she has to leave so soon, but baby comes first!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors