Uninvited Guests

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
47187 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

annabananabee :  Normally I would agree that nursing babies get a pass.But if you read the update you will see that this child is normally cared for 6-8 hours per day by the OP or the MOH’s sister. The Maid/Matron of Honor seems to manage being apart from her child for more than a few hours every other day.

Her reason for wanting the baby dropped off at the restaurant? It’s holiday. By your own reasoning, this small baby completely dependent on adults, won’t have a freaking clue that it’s New Year’s Eve.

This is nothing more than a show of power by the Maid/Matron of Honor. She has known about the wedding for a long time. She accepted the position of Maid/Matron of Honor yet is now planning to eat and run from the reception. She has known that it is an intimate child free ceremony and reception for a long time. She has her regular  sitter – her sister- available. There is no reason her baby needs to be at the dinner even for an hour.

AngelWingz :  Unfortunately for you, your MOH’s power play is not an easy one to resolve.

Post # 17
4499 posts
Honey bee

julies1949 :  So because other circumstances (such as not being able to afford being a Stay-At-Home Mom and going back to work, for example – not sure of this particular circumstance) means she has to leave her kid in the care of others, she should feel comfortable at ALL TIMES leaving her kid? 

Maybe it’s not rational, especially for those without kids, but feelings don’t obey the laws of reason.  I know lots of people who get concerned about staying out late on NYE due to an increase in public alcohol consumption, usually bad weather, and traffic incidents.  Maybe she worries about her and the boyfriend being out late in those conditions and away from the kid?  It’s not something that’s likely to occur, but I know all of my friends with kids experience some level of thought like that and anxiety when they have to leave the kids for optional reasons (i.e. not because they have to go to work).  Maybe because she’s away from the kid on other days she would have liked to spend more time with the kid on a day when she normally wouldn’t have other obligations like work.  Maybe she just likes being with her kid.  Some people who have kids actually enjoy spending time with them.  There’s seems to be this prevalent thought with people who have child-free weddings that they are doing their friends a favor by giving them a night without kids – but not everyone cares about that or enjoys it.  I also think it tends to be a prevalent thought that a 7 month old will be such distraction or take attention away from the bride or throw a screaming fit.  MOST parents are good parents who know when to remove their children from situations and MOST kids are not constantly screaming 24/7.

I also think it’s a stretch that this Maid/Matron of Honor is playing for power or somehow how purposely deceitful with ill-intention.  Maybe she didn’t want to tell the truth because she was afraid of being judged or interrogated about how she doesn’t want to be apart from her child – similar to how people are doing here – and it was easier to blame it on the circumstances instead of on her wishes or maybe her anxiety about being out late on a major holiday with possibly bad weather.   New mothers get a lot of flack about their parenting choices as it is, coupled with anxiety over the newness of it all.  I think it’s unfair to assume the worst.  If this were a power play, she’d probaby just show up with the kid to the ceremony without making any arrangements so that it would be too late for anyone to say or do anything about.  I’d probably guess she figured an hour into reception/dinner she has fulfilled her role as Maid/Matron of Honor, most of the ceremonial aspects are done, and it’s not as big of an imposition and she’s free to depart (after all, it’s a party, not a hostage situation). 

Post # 18
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I mean…I honestly don’t see what the issue is here. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is planning to have her baby (that you don’t have to feed or accommodate in any way) with her for exactly 1 hour of the reception. What’s the problem here? You say the place is inappropriate for a baby but it sounds like it’s simply a restaurant. 

I say let her bring her child. It’s not going to effect you one way or the other. 

Post # 19
47187 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

annabananabee :  I think it’s unfair to assume the worst.

your response is full of  assumptions.

Post # 20
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It was incredibly rude for your Maid/Matron of Honor to invite the child after being told it’s an adults only event.

But, you need to decide what is important. You are 100% in the right to stand up to her and say, No. Kids. Allowed. But if she decides she doesnt want to attend at all, how will that effect your friendship?

Tbh I really dislike kids. Like, any and all. And if someone TOLD me (not asked) they were bringing their kid to my wedding, I’d be pretty unhappy too. So you have to weigh out what you want to do.

Post # 21
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe she just wants to spend time with her baby before the child goes to bed. How early in the day are you asking her to be with you? Because if it’s early – like 1 or 2pm – then we’re not talking about 6-8 hours without seeing her baby, we’re talking about 15-18 hours, basically until the baby wakes the following morning. I would not want to be separate from my daughter for that long.

When you asked her why she wants the baby there, what did she say? 

Post # 22
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

Wow she’s so rude!! Parents can feel so entitled… stick to your guns – a cocktail party not family play time! If she lives locally then leaving the kid with a sitter shouldn’t be a problem. I would tell her no but be understanding in that she may leave early and not be much of a party animal. 

Post # 23
958 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

We didn’t invite childern to our wedding – we did have my DH’s daughters and niece (who was our flower girl). Other than that, no kids were invited. Two days before our wedding, my DH’s best friend asked if they could bring their 10 year old son. They were coming from out of state and something came up. So we said yes. It was so not a big deal. They are really good friends so we accomondated them.

I think you are being a little harsh. The reasons she doesn’t want to leave her baby with a sitter is irrelevant.   We are talking about a baby, not an “uninvited guest.” Likely, no one will care. I’m assuming your Maid/Matron of Honor is a good friend, would you rather not have her there at all? Why would you not accomondate her?

Your wedding is not all about you – it is also about the comfort of your guests.

Post # 24
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Guests don’t dictate the guest list. Period. It’s a no kid wedding. Whenever she decides she needs to go be with her child, she can go be with her child.  She was leaving early either way anyway.

Post # 25
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

We had an adults only Christmas party for our office on the weekend with about 25 people. We also had two babies (3 and 4 months respectively.) Both little girls were angels and only fussed once during a 5 hour dinner. I think in life it is always good to accommodate people and their needs. I think infants are the exception to the rule of kids only. That being said, it’s your day and you are welcome to make whatever rules you like. You need to feel comfortable, but remember this is your Maid/Matron of Honor and best friend. What would you do if the circumstances were reversed? 

Post # 26
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

You don’t accommodate her bc this isn’t her wedding or her day. She knew this was a no kids event and if that was an issue should have stated so long before now. Not buying the fear of *judgment* excuse. I’d definitely be more inclined to judge someone assuming they can bring their child right before my wedding knowing children weren’t invited than someone who communicated with me like an adult long ago that this might be an issue. Sorry, not sorry. If she can make it minus the baby (which she wants to have there for all of one hour, seriously?) then great if not then that would be fine with me too. Its rude and obnoxious of her to put you in this position in the first place.

Post # 27
1200 posts
Bumble bee

Before I got pregnant, I totally would have sided with you, but now that I am, I can see where your Maid/Matron of Honor is coming from. 7 months old is still pretty young. I will be having to leave my baby at daycare once he is about 3 months old due to work, by that doesn’t mean that I WANT to be apart from him for 8-12 hours every day. Your Maid/Matron of Honor wants to spend some of her available time that day with her baby, and she is trying to be as unobtrusive as possible by only having the baby there for an hour. Would you prefer that she didn’t attend the reception at all? Yes, this is your special day and it is worth some accommodation on her part, but every mom has her own comfort zone, and it sounds like this is hers. Unfortunately, friends will lose out to baby 9 times out of 10. 

Post # 28
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

I had a no kids wedding and got grief for it (one invited guest who was a close friend no longer talks to me because she felt I was excluding her family i.e her 2 year old) so I’m not the best to give advice. She’s your Maid/Matron of Honor though so you must be very close, she’ll be there for ceremony. If you really want to stand up to her though tell her the kid doesn’t have to come for an hour, she can go and be with the kid as soon as she pleases. 

Post # 30
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

AngelWingz :  If you really don’t want her baby there, I would ask you Maid/Matron of Honor to leave early herself at 6:00. She would still be there for your ceremony, which is the most important part. 

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