Post # 1
I am very confused about how to act. I would appreciate any advice no matter how harsh etc.
A week a go my husband and I where invited to his brothers intimate out of town Thanksgiving engagement party. My husband and I are recently married but thought that the event was important and that we should make an effort to go. We went out and bought a small gift and called later that week to confirm the time and date so that we could make our travel arrangements. When we did this his brother told us that maybe it was better if we didn’t go. A lot had happened between us and that this was not the best time for us to meet again. He said he had only invited us because he thought that we would not be able to make it on such short notice. I was shocked and hurt.
I was married a few months ago and my BIL and his fiancé made my wedding planning very difficult. Their actions really hurt and troubled me. They never congratulated us, they declined our invitation to our engagement party and called constantly to threaten me about not going to our wedding or not being happy guests if I did not include his fiancé (then girlfriend) in my wedding party. (FYI BIL was Best Man) We have never been close and she had always made a point of stating how my husband was so spoiled by his parent compared to her fiancé, but I don’t feel that there had ever been any animosity between us until my wedding. I tried to talk about all of our issues with them and my husband’s family but I was told repeatedly that she thought I was rude to her and was purposefully excluding her from my wedding party. (Only my sister and 2 cousins and our brothers where part of our wedding party). Everyone was against having us talk because they said that talking over the phone would make things worse. I contacted her on my own so that we could set up a time and she said that she had no problems with me and so she really had nothing to say to me. They finally made it to my destination wedding but decided to skip my civil ceremony and dinner since it was their only vacation that year and they wanted to go sight seeing. They only made it to my religious ceremony and party but also decided to skip my post wedding day brunch. They did not talk to me the whole weekend. At one point I considered uninviting them because of the selfish way that I felt that they where acting but I did not want to create anymore negative energy around my wedding.
Now my Mother-In-Law wants me to help plan a bridal shower for my BIL´s fiancé and plan a family vacation so that we can clear thing up as a family. I explained that his was not a good idea she insits that this will help my BIL´s fiance feel like part of the family and that she might become closer to me. She is also inviting me to help her find her MOG dress and help me find mine. I told her that at this point I was not even sure I was going to be invited to the wedding and that I felt personally rejected by them on numerous occasions. She told me I was being silly almost ridiculous. My BIL just had a hard personality she said.
This whole situation makes me feel really hurt and disappointed. It surprises that this relationship makes me so emotional (I am usually not a very sentimental person.) I don’t really want anything to do with my BIL and his fiancé. I feel like I keep making an effort and I just get snubbed in return. Am I over reacting and taking things to personally? Should I try and talk this out with them? Is it ok if I just step far far away from all of their wedding planning and events? Do I still send our gift if we were uninvited? My husband says he is just tired of this situation that he does not care if we were uninvited.
Thanks for reading!
Post # 3
No your not overracting and respectfuly decline to throw a party for her. Why should you try if they aren’t going to. I wouldn’t do it. Still send your gift but leave it at that.
Post # 4
That was extremely rude what they did. I would most deffinately not help plan the bridal shower. I would go with Mother-In-Law shopping or what not but thats it. I dont think helping would help smooth things over with the family, especially since their half ass attempt to do it by inviting you to the party, then saying they only did it to not hurt feelings. UM HELLO what they did was 10 times worse than not inviting you.
Wow, I dont even know if I could bring myself to go to the wedding. I cant believe how they are acting!
I am sure your Mother-In-Law is just trying to get everyone to get along. I dont see how a family vacay couldnt hurt, ya know? At some point it probably is best for everyone to grow up and stop the non sence and get along.
Post # 5
Agree with PP – you are not overreacting. You can be respectful without being a doormat. I would definitely say no!
Post # 6
This is a stinky situation! 🙁
I am a bit confused – it sounds like you are a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your soon to be SIL’s wedding, right? Is that a confirmed thing? Did your Future Sister-In-Law ask you? It does seem weird that if you are a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that your BIL would dis-invite you to the engagement party.
Regardless of the situation, however, I am from the school of thought of always being the bigger person. It gets hard, but ultimately, I feel best about myself when I remain the cordial and respectful one and let the other person be known as the rude one.
I agree with your Mother-In-Law, that by trying to spend time with your Future Sister-In-Law can help mend the relationship. While the two of you will not be best friends, the fact remains that she and your BIL are family, and it is best to try with family. Plus, you don’t want a situation where your Mother-In-Law blames you because “you weren’t willing to try.”
On the other hand, someone can only try for so long, so if you find yourself getting slapped in the face, then you will have to revaluate your position with your Future Sister-In-Law.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t plan or partake in any parties or wedding activities… why would you subject yourself to that? They told you they didn’t want you involved so I say stay out of it. Your Mother-In-Law doesn’t need to be getting in the middle trying to force things.
Post # 8
Stick to your guns. Hell would freeze over before I throw her a party. After that, I don’t even know if I would care to go to the wedding if I were invited. Well maybe, just for my husband since it’s his brother, but aside from being courteous at family functions to them, I would do nothing for then.
Post # 9
I think you are thinking about it too much. I wouldn’t worry about it right now until you know you are invited or not. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to help her out with anything. Don’t offer your help, unless she ask and if you do want to build a relationship with them. If you are invited and they don’t extend their hospitality to you guys, then just attend as guest. If you are not invited, take it with a grain of salt and take it as it is. Let them deal with the questions why they didn’t invite. Let them look like the bad ones.
RESTATING: I read it so fast, didn’t read it was their engagement party you were uninvited to. I change my comment… lol. F-them. That is a shitty excuse to univite and the way they told you. Don’t do anything for them.
Post # 10
I am sorry but there is no way I would ever be a “big enough’ person to put up with that crap. I would not only NOT help plan the shower but more than likely not even go. I understand that Mother-In-Law is trying to smooth things out but this is NOT the way to do it! I would go shopping with Mother-In-Law and might even attend the wedding – again for Mother-In-Law. But planning a shower for someone who has treated you both so rudely? Hell no! Guess what? Not everyone is required to get along with everyone else in a family. My FSILs apparently dislike me for some reason and I am polite and pleasant to them during family gatherings and as far as I am concerned, that’s all I need to do!
Post # 11
You aren’t overreacting. You need to talk to your husband about this and have him tell your Mother-In-Law again that you are NOT helping plan a shower or going MOG dress shopping with the bride & Mother-In-Law. Future Sister-In-Law has made it clear that they don’t want you doing wedding stuff (by uninviting you to their engagement party) therefore I think you are right in distancing yourself from the wedding.
Post # 12
It doesn’t sound like the Future Sister-In-Law is the one who did the un-inviting. She may not even realize her fiancé told you that. I would (not saying this is right, I have a petty streak too) send the gift and mention I’m sorry they felt it best to uninvite me but I do hope they have a lovely party. They’re the ones acting a fool. Let them know you notice it. Being the bigger person doesn’t have to mean pretending that you are ok with their foolishness. All you have to do IMO is not return evil for evil.
By the way, I am positively horrified that they came to your Destination Wedding and ditched some of your events in favor of sightseeing. Ugh.
Post # 13
Oh and to answer your original question, dont even THINK about helping to plan this lady’s bridal shower. I realize mom is trying to help, but she seems to be in denial about them and their rudeness. Tell mom it’s a nice idea but that you respectfully decline. No need to go into further detail. For all you know, she’ll go back and tell the other couple what you said (with a twist) and make things even worse.
Post # 14
I would send them a congratulatory card and leave it at that. Don’t help plan pre wedding stuff if you and your Darling Husband aren’t invited to the wedding.
Post # 15
Bleh..family drama sucks!!! On the bright side it looks like your Mother-In-Law is offering you a lot of 1×1 time and this could be an opp to get really close with her. She might have some influence as this thing takes its course. If nothing else, you tried, and you got to spend time with Mother-In-Law.
Post # 16
They invited you because they thought you would not go? What a weird couple! I would stay out of their lives including the wedding itself.