(Closed) Uninvited to party but still expected to throw a bridal shower

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No your not overracting and respectfuly decline to throw a party for her. Why should you try if they aren’t going to. I wouldn’t do it. Still send your gift but leave it at that.

Post # 4
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

That was extremely rude what they did.  I would most deffinately not help plan the bridal shower.  I would go with Mother-In-Law shopping or what not but thats it.  I dont think helping would help smooth things over with the family, especially since their half ass attempt to do it by inviting you to the party, then saying they only did it to not hurt feelings. UM HELLO what they did was 10 times worse than not inviting you.

Wow, I dont even know if I could bring myself to go to the wedding.  I cant believe how they are acting! 

I am sure your Mother-In-Law is just trying to get everyone to get along.  I dont see how a family vacay couldnt hurt, ya know?  At some point it probably is best for everyone to grow up and stop the non sence and get along.

Post # 5
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Agree with PP – you are not overreacting.  You can be respectful without being a doormat.  I would definitely say no!

Post # 6
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

This is a stinky situation! 🙁 

I am a bit confused – it sounds like you are a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your soon to be SIL’s wedding, right? Is that a confirmed thing? Did your Future Sister-In-Law ask you? It does seem weird that if you are a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that your BIL would dis-invite you to the engagement party. 

Regardless of the situation, however, I am from the school of thought of always being the bigger person. It gets hard, but ultimately, I feel best about myself when I remain the cordial and respectful one and let the other person be known as the rude one. 

I agree with your Mother-In-Law, that by trying to spend time with your Future Sister-In-Law can help mend the relationship. While the two of you will not be best friends, the fact remains that she and your BIL are family, and it is best to try with family. Plus, you don’t want a situation where your Mother-In-Law blames you because “you weren’t willing to try.”  

On the other hand, someone can only try for so long, so if you find yourself getting slapped in the face, then you will have to revaluate your position with your Future Sister-In-Law. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I wouldn’t plan or partake in any parties or wedding activities… why would you subject yourself to that? They told you they didn’t want you involved so I say stay out of it. Your Mother-In-Law doesn’t need to be getting in the middle trying to force things. 

Post # 8
Member
14419 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Stick to your guns.  Hell would freeze over before I throw her a party.  After that, I don’t even know if I would care to go to the wedding if I were invited.  Well maybe, just for my husband since it’s his brother, but aside from being courteous at family functions to them, I would do nothing for then.

Post # 9
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you are thinking about it too much. I wouldn’t worry about it right now until you know you are invited or not. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to help her out with anything. Don’t offer your help, unless she ask and if you do want to build a relationship with them. If you are invited and they don’t extend their hospitality to you guys, then just attend as guest. If you are not invited, take it with a grain of salt and take it as it is. Let them deal with the questions why they didn’t invite. Let them look like the bad ones. 

RESTATING: I read it so fast, didn’t read it was their engagement party you were uninvited to. I change my comment… lol. F-them. That is a shitty excuse to univite and the way they told you. Don’t do anything for them. 

Post # 10
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am sorry but there is no way I would ever be a “big enough’ person to put up with that crap. I would not only NOT help plan the shower but more than likely not even go. I understand that Mother-In-Law is trying to smooth things out but this is NOT the way to do it! I would go shopping with Mother-In-Law and might even attend the wedding – again for Mother-In-Law. But planning a shower for someone who has treated you both so rudely? Hell no! Guess what? Not everyone is required to get along with everyone else in a family. My FSILs apparently dislike me for some reason and I am polite and pleasant to them during family gatherings and as far as I am concerned, that’s all I need to do!

Post # 11
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

You aren’t overreacting. You need to talk to your husband about this and have him tell your Mother-In-Law again that you are NOT helping plan a shower or going MOG dress shopping with the bride & Mother-In-Law. Future Sister-In-Law has made it clear that they don’t want you doing wedding stuff (by uninviting you to their engagement party) therefore I think you are right in distancing yourself from the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It doesn’t sound like the Future Sister-In-Law is the one who did the un-inviting. She may not even realize her fiancé told you that. I would (not saying this is right, I have a petty streak too) send the gift and mention I’m sorry they felt it best to uninvite me but I do hope they have a lovely party. They’re the ones acting a fool. Let them know you notice it. Being the bigger person doesn’t have to mean pretending that you are ok with their foolishness. All you have to do IMO is not return evil for evil. 

By the way, I am positively horrified that they came to your Destination Wedding and ditched some of your events in favor of sightseeing. Ugh. 

Post # 13
Member
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh and to answer your original question, dont even THINK about helping to plan this lady’s bridal shower. I realize mom is trying to help, but she seems to be in denial about them and their rudeness. Tell mom it’s a nice idea but that you respectfully decline. No need to go into further detail. For all you know, she’ll go back and tell the other couple what you said (with a twist) and make things even worse. 

Post # 14
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

I would send them a congratulatory card and leave it at that. Don’t help plan pre wedding stuff if you and your Darling Husband aren’t invited to the wedding. 

Post # 15
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Bleh..family drama sucks!!!  On the bright side it looks like your Mother-In-Law is offering you a lot of 1×1 time and this could be an opp to get really close with her.  She might have some influence as this thing takes its course.  If nothing else, you tried, and you got to spend time with Mother-In-Law.

Post # 16
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

They invited you because they thought you would not go? What a weird couple! I would stay out of their lives including the wedding itself.

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