Post # 1
Has anyone had to deal with un-inviting a guest due to a pending divorce that started after the invites were sent (and in this case an RSVP has already been returned)? This is well beyond the basic etiquette situations I think I’ve mastered thus far.
The person in question is the soon-to-be ex-wife of my cousin. I’m rather close to my cousin but not so much the soon-to-be ex-wife. They’ve been married less than 6 months.
PS – What’s the etiquette for wedding gifts when you divorce that soon after? *sigh* Not even family received a thank you card from her/them.
Post # 2
HeyHey4514: Oof. Unless you have reason to believe otherwise, I would assume that she wouldn’t attend.
Post # 3
Are you close enough to your cousin to directly ask what the situation is? I’m not sure what the etiquette is here. Technically, she was invited, but I can’t imagine she’d want to come to your family function when she’s in the process of divorcing your cousin.
As for your other situation — I’m fairly certain that if the marriage fails within a short amount of time, the gifts are supposed to be returned. Whether or not that will actually happen is another story. (For a ridiculous comparison – Kim Kardashian donated to charity in the estimated amount of what her gifts costs and in the names of her guests, since many had been used or were unable to be returned.)
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
I’d contact her and ask her if she still wants to go, but let it be her decision. Put it in a way that might indicate you are worried about her being uncomfortable. Chances are she won’t want to. I’m just not sure about uninviting her, it might be a harsh blow after just getting divorced, even if she’s not that close to you. If she does attend, just seat her as far away from her ex as possible and just hope they can be mature enough to suck it up for a few hours.
I’d also forgive them the thankyou cards and cut them a bit of slack. No matter how short the marriage was, a divorce is a tradgic event and they are probably both feeling terrible right now. Their lives are falling apart so they probably just forgot about gifts and thank yous.
Post # 5
Um i would leave it to them to dictate if they are coming. Wait until closer to the wedding day and ask your cousin if the girl is coming.
Same thing happend at my wedding but the wife told me she wouldn’t be coming so i could adjust my tables.
Gifts should be returned if they can be. But i wouldn’t hold your breath for that.
Post # 6
I don’t think you need to un-invite her, she probably doesn’t want to or won’t be coming. Can you ask your cousin if he thinks she is planning on coming? Otherwise, I would probably contact her and ask her if she is planning on still attending. I don’t think you can un-invite someone.
Post # 9
You don’t do anything. If she decides to come, fine. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too. He may choose to bring a guest, and in this case, that’s ok too. I wouldn’t even bring it up.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I don’t think you need to do anything. I highly doubt she would come, no matter how amicable their divorce was.
Post # 8
You said you are close to your cousin. I would just ask him. Say you are sorry about what he is going through and don’t want to seem insensitive but you are assuming she will not be attending. Since he just had a wedding recently I would hope he would understand about seating and costs and needing to know.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
HeyHey4514: You’ve already sent the invite and they’ve already sent in an RSVP. Let them figure out what they’re going to do about your wedding and stay out of it. I was embarassed enough during my divorce that I didn’t need people calling me to remind me of the divorce and our impending social obligations as a married couple that is now getting a divorce. There is no polite way to handle this unless your cousin calls you to tell you what they plan on doing.
Most likely one of two things will happen:
1. Neither will attend the wedding. I was in no mood for a party while in the midst of my divorce and I certainly didn’t want to attend any weddings or baby showers to remind me that I was no longer married.
2. Or your cousin will attend alone. The cousin is family and most people would support them attending over the soon to be ex spouse.
After the wedding, wedding gifts belong to the married couple. If they want to send gifts back to gift givers they are allowed but it’s not required and I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for it to happen. (And it’s rude to ask them for your gift back.)
Post # 11
I don’t think you should uninvite someone. Unless they did something terrible to you. I don’t see why the soon-to-be ex wife would come anyway. You could talk to your cousin and get more info, see how he feels.
Post # 12
beachbride1216: Bazinga: prahajess: MariContrary: kes18: Swizzle: AnotherMrsBrown: abbie017: merpitymerp:
Thank you all for your words and advice. I am close to my cousin and have normally had no trouble calling up and saying “Hey kid, I heard you were down, wanna talk?” in the past and when he was a lot younger and going through parental head butting. This. This is new territory.
Does it make sense that I’m majorly ticked at the soon-to-be ex? I think that’s where my questioning came from. I love my cousin (we were raised like brother and sister practically) and am angry at the person who has caused so much pain to him, and don’t really want her to be a part of our family’s day, even though she was already invited. *sigh* Hard stuff.
Post # 13
HeyHey4514: If she’s not close to you I’m guessing she won’t be coming! So I probably wouldn’t worry about it.
I did send out Save-The-Date Cards to a married couple who then got divorced. So by the time I sent out my invites they were divorced. I did invite both parties though, since I liked the girl on her own and considered myself to be friends with her (even though I was friends with the husband first and longer). She didn’t come. I imagine she chose not to come since she knew he would definitely be coming.
Post # 14
You invited them both. It would be inappropriate to uninvite someone. I doubt she’d want to go with your cousin anyway because of the awkwardness factor. However, if she attends then she attends. Uninviting her would be in poor form.
I understand the temptation to stick by your cousin and cold-shoulder the woman who apparently broke his heart, but their situation is probably so much more complex than you think and you’ve only gotten one side of the story. A relationship, and the end of one, is a two-way street.
Post # 15
I don’t see why you would need to do anything, I am sure that her and your cousin will work out what is appropriate for attendance and likely she won’t come since she’s not the family member.