(Closed) Uninviting racist/homophobic family members?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I uninvite these family members?
    No, just let it go; they're family members. : (52 votes)
    43 %
    Uninvite them. Racism and homophobia have no place at a wedding. : (69 votes)
    57 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    743 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Ehh…depends on how much family drama you want to cause. A polite way to go would be to send them an invite with a personal note that says something to the effect of “Aunt Susie, I love you and would love to have you celebrate our special day with us.  However, from some of the posts I see on FB, I know that you are I have very different views on (gays/other people/etc) and I would appreciate you respecting my and FI’s views on our wedding day.”

    Post # 4
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    Well I guess the first question should be….do you have any gay/lesbian guests attending your wedding. If you think that either of them will say something stupid or offend anyone just because they see things in a different light then I would definitely have a problem sharing my day with them.

    Post # 5
    Member
    743 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Oh, and FWIW, there are some homophobic family members coming to my wedding (and we donated to White Knot in leiu of favors).  I am trusting them to be mature enough to not have a hissy fit at the reception.  And if they do, I am confident that my other 89 guests will put them in their place (or ask them to leave).

    Post # 6
    Member
    494 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I don’t think you’re being ridiculous.  I would absolutely uninvite them.  If I had any family members like that…well, they would have no place at my wedding and there isn’t a chance in hell I would pay for them to eat and have a good time.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    1042 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    It depends on a lot of factors. Do you think they will bring it up at the wedding? Do any of your other guests have similar feelings? Are you willing to risk a fallout among more family members than them ie. if they are not invited will “uncle bob” or “grandma sue” decide not to come either? 

    In my opinion everyone has a few crazy people in their family, and as long as they are happy for you on your day, and will not make other guests extremely uncomfortable you might want to let it go.

    Post # 8
    Member
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m scared of this too, my best friend (male) and his boyfriend (male) are coming to my wedding. I know my side of the family will  not say anything rude, but my FI’s family are all hard core catholics. I am waiting for someone to say something negative to piss me off, and offend my best friend and his boyfriend. My sister and my other bridesmaid are both pregnant out of wedlock too….and one of them is black (gasp). This is really stressing me out. I would uninvite them, especially if you have LGBT individuals or people of a different race at your wedding–just because you don’t want to have to worry about it like I am right now. I feel like I am going to have to babysit everyone, or keep my friend away from certain people. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    581 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I understand the dilemma, and I hate that they believe those things, but you have to remember that inviting them doesn’t mean you condone their behavior or support their beliefs. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    3580 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I am seriously shocked at the poll results!  Albiet it’s only 12 people so far, with homophobia ruling the wedding roost.

    Girl, as someone with family members that are indeed just like that, I was very clear to my mother that it didn’t matter what drama it stirred.  My wedding was a place that cherished LOVE.  As such, people who hate other people for ridiculous reasons (you might as well say they hate them for the size of their feet) were strictly not allowed.  She invited them anyway, and was spanked accordingly.  She had to follow up with them and THANKFULLY they had decided that they couldn’t make the trip.  That said, I would have had zero issue personally calling them and saying that because they didn’t believe in some of the guests right to wed, that it was best for them not to attend. 

    There is no place for hatred in my family.  I do not care about ‘family drama’ if they’re not invited.  Shame on my family for continuing to put up with it. 

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    726 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    How likely are these topics to come up at your wedding? If very likely, then just don’t send them an invite. If not likely, then I’d invite them. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    3316 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    Perhaps I can offer a different perspective, as someone in a same-sex marriage.  People who know someone who’s gay are 20 points more likely than others to support gay marriage.  So I’d really prefer that the homophobic folks not be able to stay at home in their own little bubbles, where they will never be exposed to actual gay people.

    My inclination would therefore be to invite Aunt Maude, but tell her in advance, “Look, I’ve seen the comments you made in your Facebook about gay/African American/whatever people.  There will be some of those people at our wedding.  So while I’d really like you to attend, I will have to ask you to keep quiet about your views at our wedding.”

    At that point, a) Aunt Maude decides she really doesn’t want to be at a wedding with “those” people, particularly if she has to keep her mouth shut about the situation, or b) Aunt Maude shows up, keeps quiet, and if you’re really lucky, learns something.  Either way, the problem is solved.

    Post # 15
    Member
    692 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Have a chat with them in person before the wedding. Tell them there will be guests they might not like (i.e gay, etc), and that you expect them to be respectful to them. Depending on how the chat goes, then decide to univite them.

    I am having the same issue, but those that react well to the chat will get a hug, invite, and a thank you. Those that react like crazy people will get a “I’m really sorry, but I don’t want to cause conflict at my wedding. If you don’t think you’ll be able to keep your comments to yourself then it’s best you don’t come.”  chat.

    From my experience, the REAL crazies will show their colors and get really defensive when you meet with them to talk. The opinionated but civil will agree, and promise not to say a word out of respect for you and your day.

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