(Closed) Uninviting racist/homophobic family members?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I uninvite these family members?

    No, just let it go; they're family members.

    Uninvite them. Racism and homophobia have no place at a wedding.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @2dBride:  This.

    Post # 18
    Member
    3580 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @2dBride:  What about doing something to honor said gay/african american folks?  I am doing what I deem a ‘gay cake’.  So cheesy.  It looks like a regular cake but is  a rainbow cake inside.  In addition, I have a gay bridesmaid (and by maid I mean that he might be in drag, he hasn’t decided). 

    I totally see your point, that islolating hatred only makes it grow stronger, totally.

    Post # 19
    Member
    3580 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @likelimeade:  You know, not everybody is ready to bring on the bullshit of education, and don’t feel bad if you just want stress free.  It’s totally cool. This is your wedding, FFS.  I just want to make sure Aunt Bertha doesn’t go on a racist-homophobic rant. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    336 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I would have Fiance mention the guestlist to his family if you are concerned about it. Me & my sister are the only 2 kids that are white out of our 10 cousins, I am the oldest so I am VERY overprotective.Not to mention one of my eldest cousins is bi-racial & gay (we’ve always known he would be) & one of my very best friends. So I have been fighting racists & homophobes almost my whole life. Now even more so since my daughter is bi-racial.

    I would definitely put the word out that people need to respest all guests no matter what. The day is about LOVE. Period point blank.

    If these people feel that strongly about race/sexuality, they may not stay too long when the people they are against are there. That’s what has always happened to us. We have people in our family who are racist and refuse to speak to their own flesh and blood. We have one uncle who won’t even acknowledge my toddler-never has. I can’t imagine acting that way toward someone.

    So I think if you somehow mention it to the ones your concerned about, in casual conversation, that there will be opposite races and LGBT couples/individuals there they will respect it for the most part. And I really believe they will leave if they find themselves uncomfortable. We have some real assholes in our family and if they can get up and leave-I think your family will too.

    I will definitely be thinking of you though! This is something I have struggled with my whole life so I understand the frustration.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1733 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    We’re a bit concerned about this too — I have one or two family members who are not all that, er, cosmopolitan when it comes to LGBTQ and race issues. (Mental illness factors into this to some degree too.) I don’t really have the sort of relationship with this people where I could call them out effectively, but if it comes up before the wedding, I will definitely say something to let them know that those views will not be welcome. Other than that, I think we’ve more or less quarantined those folks with family members who can manage them as they need to be managed. And we’ve made a few off-hand comments to our friends about crazy family members — so I think we’ve laid the groundwork to smooth things over, should any small issues erupt. And if any big issues erupt…well, then we’ll throw caution to the wind and throw the offending family members out. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    7775 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    We had this dilemma at my wedding. My aunt’s boyfriend is a racist piece of garbage and the girl my brother was dating at the time was AA. I sat them at different tables and there was no altercation.

    Regardless of what you think of their beliefs, they’re family. It’s going to cause a lot more drama by not inviting them. In a big social setting, people are usually on their best behavior anyway.

    Post # 23
    Member
    3580 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @LRCWedding:  You’ve always known your cousin would be bi-racial?  😉

    Post # 24
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    IMO, no explanation is required.  It is your day, you get to invite who you wish

    By The Way, Save the Dates are relatively NEW to the mix of Bridal Planning.

    So current etiquette dictates that you “should” issue a Formal Wedding Invite to anyone that you’ve sent a Save The Date to.

    BUT in true reality, there hasn’t been a true Invitation extended until the actual formal one is sent / received.

    Personally, I’d skip all the drama, and just not send them the official Invite.

    If anything is said after the mailout… just say “Unfortunately we’ve had to cut back on our list “

    Or if you feel you need a reason you can add… “due to finances”

    That is IF you say anything at all.

    Move on, life is short

    No need to complicate things, or feel you need to be inclusive of people who don’t share your point of view

    PS… Actually feel sad that there are still these types of people in the world… but the fact of life is there are.  Best remedy is for the rest of us to ignore them and not include them in the mainstream world.  Period.

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I’d talk to your parent that is related to your aunt. Keep in mind you may not only be causing issues between you and your aunt but your parents too. Fi’s aunt and mother are still not on great terms because of an issue with his cousin’s wedding.

    I really think since you sent out save the dates, you need to invite them in order to not start drama in the family. Maybe a nice heart to heart would work and hopefully they have enough tact to not make hateful comments at a wedding.

    Post # 26
    Member
    5091 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    DH and I invited several gay/lesbian guests and people from other races and cultures to our Catholic wedding.  He has some family members who are racist, and we both have some who are homophobic.  I’m sure they raised an eyebrow at the one gay couple who was able to come (the other couple couldn’t, and the rest were single, so nobody knew unless they mentioned it), and I’m sure there was some talk later about our black friend who is dating a *gasp* white woman, but no one said anything at the wedding.  We expected them to behave as adults, and they did.  I’m glad I had so many people who love me and my husband at the wedding, even if those people have views with which I disagree.

    Now, had anyone said anything racist or homophobic to my friends, you had better believe that I would have kicked them out the door so fast they wouldn’t even have time to notice everyone laughing at their narrow-minded selves before their butts hit the pavement outside.

    In the name of family unity and not causing any drama, I would invite your aunt and cousin.  If they say anything at your wedding, you can make them shut up then.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I have a crotchety, racist, homophobic, skeezy “uncle” (he has been dating my great aunt for years, and is really very kind to her and takes care of her when she is ill.)  I invited him because I knew not doing so would do more drama than any smarmy comments he makes to my friends.

    Ultimately it is up to you, but I sometimes feel like not including family stirs up more drama than they would if they were allowed to come to the wedding to begin with.

    Post # 28
    Member
    1024 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I would talk to them and tell them that their views will not be voiced at your wedding and they have to be respectful or they can either not come, or will have to leave. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    38 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Are that that crazy that they would cause a fuss @ the wedding?  And why? Are you having lots of gay couples or non white people there?

    My gay cousin & his man will be at mine.  All my Christian friends, pastors etc will too.  Anyone acts a fool and they get the door.  I am a Christian and I am of the group – you do you, I do me.  Leave me alone & I do the same…God will work it all out in the end. 

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    2912 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’d probably uninvite them, though making the decision to do so would cause me huge amounts of stress. I figure I am too old (LOL!) to put up with crap from anybody, and the last thing I’d want on my wedding day would be to chance overhearing some homophobic or racist comment. That would completely spoil my day and I’d have no one to blame but myself for having people there that I *knew* were prone to those sorts of comments.

    Post # 31
    Member
    4272 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    At first I chose invite them, because it might be unlikely that they would start any drama and that the topic would be brought up at the wedding. Also, you might not like their opinions, but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I have a mix of family and friends that all have their own opinions about something, although I do not agree with what they say, I invited them and there were no problems at the wedding.

    However, if it is likely that they are going to stir things up and cause drama, I would not invite them.

    The topic ‘Uninviting racist/homophobic family members?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors