(Closed) Uninviting racist/homophobic family members?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I uninvite these family members?

    No, just let it go; they're family members.

    Uninvite them. Racism and homophobia have no place at a wedding.

  • Post # 32
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    You’re not responsible for what others say.  Maybe be a little careful where you seat them, but if you felt like you were going to invite them before reading their facebook pages, you should invite them.

    Post # 33
    2353 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    @2dBride:  Thank you. I’m really concerned that one set of my parents’ friends will say something unpleasant, but I’ve asked my mom to talk to them in advance and explain that they are not permitted to be insulting to my friends. I thought about insisting that they not come, but I think it will help them to see a more inclusive way of thinking.

    Fiance did uninvite some friends, though, who attacked him on fb for his statements supporting marriage equality. They were just fuming and awful and he told them he couldn’t risk their being so uncontrollably rude to our friends. Sad. 

    Post # 34
    254 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I’m concerned about this too. I recently re-connected with my abstentee father. Who I found out is SUPER racist still calling black people “n*****s” in front of me and all. Than we ended up booking a black photographer and my dad is coming to the wedding. 

    I keep hoping that he won’t say anything to offend the photographer! But I can’t bring it up to him since we are not on good terms, more of a testing the waters relationship.

    I still say invite them and if they cause problems ask them to leave.

    Post # 35
    252 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I did not read any of the responses, so I am not sure if it has been covered, or if I am the only one who feels this way, but this is my 2 cents.

    They should be uninvited, and you should tell them why. Racism and homophobia have no place ANYWHERE, wedding or otherwise. I do not care if they are blood, they should know that this behavior is NOT acceptable and will not be tolerated. 

    Now, the issue is whether or not you are ok with confrontation. I, personally, am ok with stating “Listen, racism and homophobia are completely unacceptable and I will not accomodate these beliefs, nor allow you a platform from which to preach this nastiness”. It would not even be a question for me and these people would immediately be cut out. No excuses. These are not beliefs that should be “respected”. Period. I understand that not everyone else is assertive like that, and it may be hard. However, that is what should be done. maybe get your Fiance to do it?

    Post # 36
    1309 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @2dBride:  This

    Post # 36
    3 posts
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I know this is an old topic, but I’m struggling with this issue right now. There’s this extended family member that (of course) my father JUST CAN’T ENVISION NOT INVITING. This extended family member is (of course) the same person who reduced me to tears once shouting at me refusing to stop using the word “faggot” though he was asked clearly and politely. Now, we’re a heterosexual man and woman getting hitched…but one of my bridespeople is a very butch lesbian, and two of the groomspeople are gay married men (to each other, in fact). We’re close friends of the officiant, whose twin sister is a wedded lesbian. She presided over her sister’s wedding. We’ve asked her already to please wear her rainbow stole at our wedding as well because we’re so supportive of our pastor friend’s eco-feminist-egalitarian stances. It’s important to us. Our guest list is full of lovely LGBTQ friends. I simply *can’t* envision this extended family member showing up and actually keeping his cool for an entire evening. It seems so, incredibly unlikely. But my father won’t budge in his advocacy for inviting this homophobic man.

    I don’t get it. It seems like a pretty easy decision to me: the logical solution is to not invite the homophobe. I’m exasperated with my father. He’s trying very  hard to manipulate me, to make me feel guilty, to make me feel like we “have” to invite this person because of various excuses (my elderly grandmother wants this person to help her get about during the wedding, my father feels indebted to this person because he introduced my parents, my dad thinks that his financial contributions entitle him to a few favors, etc.).

    Please help, internet. This is bothering me a lot and really making me wish that we hadn’t already put a deposit on our wedding venue. If only we hadn’t–or if it were refundable–we could just elope and not have to deal with these stupid, petty, idiotic situations. 

    Post # 37
    681 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    tlharin:  If you MUST invite him just remember that his behavior reflects on him more than it does you.  Most people understand you can’t pick who your family members are and most adults would quickly put that person in their place.

    Sorry you are struggling with this, your wedding sounds like it will have lots of wonderful and open-minded people.  If your more conservative family member is in attendance, hopefully they will realize they are in the minority on your big day – otherwise I guarantee that plenty of other people will show them the door.

    Post # 38
    226 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    People generally act like decent adults face-to-face with someone whom they may not necessarily approve of in private.

    The topic ‘Uninviting racist/homophobic family members?’ is closed to new replies.

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