(Closed) Uninvolved fiance!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Aww I’m sorry that you feel alone. I totally understand how you feel. I think guy don’t pay as much attention as women do to the teeny tiny details of a wedding. My bf can be the same way. I’ll be explaining things to him and he just seems so uninterested or preoccupied with his video games. But at the end of the day, I always remember how much he adores me and I’m so sure your fiance adores you. One thing that helps me too in these situations is I talk to my bf e.g. “Hey, I’m not trying to attack you but sometimes I would appreciate it if you took more of a hands-on approach to our wedding. It’s not my wedding, it’s our wedding and I want it be special for both of us and I think you’d enjoy the day a lot more if you took more part in it”. I havent had this exact conversation with my bf but whenever we have been in situations like this, I let myself think straight and tell him exactly how I feel without upsetting him. I’m sure your fiance will listen to you and relaize that ot’s very important to the both of you that he be more involved.

I hope this helped!

Post # 4
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I have been described as an “involved groom” and there are still things I don’t know about. I have realized so much little details that I could give 2 hoots about. But there are other things I do care a lot about and am involved in (granted, we aren’t that far into it yet).

Something that my FEE does that helps when she wants me involved more is she asks me what things matter to me – and points out some that we still have left so I can do preliminary research. This helps her because often it is things she doesn’t care about, but knows we need – wedding insurance, logistics for honeymoon, how to get as many airline rewards as needed, possible hotels. Sometimes I don’t care about these things either, but I know she has other things to worry about so I take this for her. Try seeing if he will open up on some of these more non-sweet/detailed things to help take them off your plate. But also, talk to him about what does matter to him, and let him KINDLY know that unless he helps his wants aren’t going to be met, so he needs to seriously help on these details that he does care about.

Post # 5
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.  My DH called our wedding an “arranged marriage.  I arranged it and he arranged to be there.  Some men just aren’t into planning.  I hope it gets better for you. 

Post # 6
Member
47415 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It might help to realize that these small details simply aren’t as  important to some people as they are to others. You may just need to let him off the hook. You can also back off and let him make  the decisions and do the things he has to do in his own time. He will get things done, on his schedule, not yours. Back off and let him choose his mother/son dance. You can never get back the two hours you wasted  talking about this, and you accomplished nothing.

You may not be able to do everything you like. You said you like to make dinner and lunch, but if he took that on for 3 days a week, that would free up a considerable amount of time for you to do other things. The proviso is that you can’t criticize what he provides for those meals.

 

Post # 7
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
amanda1auren :  Totally get it.  My husband and I hardly ever fought, but we did during wedding planning. Because I would actually give him specific tasks, like pick out groomsmen’s suits, and he would tell me he’d have it done by [date]. And when [date] rolls around lo and behold it’s not done.  Like you, I had no doubt he loves me and excited about the wedding, and he was working a whole lot. But that did not stop it from being frustrating.  We even had a partial-production wedding coordinator, and it was still stressful.  

You know what at the end I stopped being “nice” about it.  It took two big long fights, and there were tears, in which I explicitly told him I NEED HELP. Set reminders in your calendar if you have to, but when you promise me something is going to be done by date, it better be I mean that’s just common courtesy.  After the first big fight he had a spurt of effort but soon slipped back to the old ways.  So then the second fight I was basically like I don’t want to keep fighting with you about this but seriously WTF, you said you would do this but you didn’t. 

We had a beautiful wedding and are now happily married, but this particular side storyline doesn’t really have a happy ending.  He showed another, bigger spurt of effort after the second fight but it was still ehhhhhh.

Honestly I think we just have to adjust our expectations in this regard because Disappointment = Expectations – Reality.  

Also keep in mind that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t care about the wedding.  It’s not a deal breaker and you guys will get past this. 

Post # 8
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

The more I read experiences like this from others the better I feel about my situation bc I’m not the only one. Your guys behavior is similar to mine but its pointless to take it personal. Honestly you’ll only drive yourself nutty and get on his nerves in the process. My guys attitude the day of our venue tour totally ruined it for me. He was pretty BLAH the whole time and seemed like he wanted to get it over with asap. But we talked about it, thats key, and he reminded me he’s not one to show emotions often plus he’s not into the planning process. Bottom line. All he basically wants to do is be aware of when things need to be paid then show up on time. :p So as stressful as planning will be you might need to accept that the majority of the work is on you and lean on more reliable people to assist and/or share your excitement. As far as him procrastinating if its about issues that only concern him such as the mother/son dance then let him get to it on his own time. I’m usually a procrastinator but I still get things done. Last minute is better than late. 

Don’t allow yourself to resent him simply because he doesn’t approach this event the same as you. Find ways to cope with it that won’t leave you frustrated. For example, I’m taking our contract back to the venue tomorrow but this time I’ll have one of my bridesmaids with me instead plus they will be set up for a wedding and the coordinator has timed it so I can get plenty of pictures before the ceremony. 😀 If he wants to view them when he gets home thats fine but if not then no biggie. 

Post # 9
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

The wedding planning?  Sure, he could be more involved and help out more, but that is overall pretty typical.

The lack of help around the house/general indifference?  Oh man…this is a HUGE issue.  He obviously doesn’t realize how stressed and how stretched thin you are.  And you know what?  He needs to figure that out, and fast.  If he loves you, truly loves you, he would listen to you if you sat down and just let it all out.  Tell him exactly how you are feeling.  Tell him you are starting to resent him.  Tell him you can’t keep this crazy schedule and how you need to lean on him right now.

I’d say 90% of guys don’t really care with the wedding planning.  Some do, of course, but most of them just want to show up and for you to be happy.  This other stuff though…that isn’t something that will go away after the wedding planning is done.  This is the basic household stuff that needs to get done day-to-day, and it won’t change after you get married.  In fact it probably will be worse.  Decide what chores he is responsible for.  Say you make dinner, he does the dishes, or vice versa.  I make the meals most of the time in our house and my husband always does the majority of the dishes and clean up.

Whatever you do, please figure this out before you tie the knot!  Trust me, the little things feel much worse when you are married!

Post # 10
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
amanda1auren :  He may not care much about the wedding planning.  Most guys don’t.  Maybe he really did only care about picking a song to dance with his mother to.  

What else does he really care about?  Does he want to plan the honeymoon? Other songs?

I think it is more important that he learns to take over something around the house when he knows you are super stressed.  What can he do that will take the load off of you now?  This is good for him to learn to recognize and pitch in with stuff now, before you have kids (if you are planning on them).

Post # 11
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

September wedding.  Only managed to ask one of out his three intended groomsmen.  Asked him why–“guys just don’t pick up their phones”.  SMH.

Post # 12
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2027

I don’t care the he isn’t too involved in the wedding planning. 

He better do his part around the house.  But since we’ve been doing that for over 6 years,  it’s not really an issue. 

Post # 13
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

The stress caused you to have an anxiety attack that hospitalized you??

Disagree with PPs about adjusting your expectations. He needs to be taking some of this work off of your plate because you are physically unable to do it all (and really I think most of us would struggle with this workload)!

I like the idea of assigning him tasks to complete. It’s a waste of your time to spend 2 hours trying to figure out a damn song. Like, really? As though you aren’t busy enough already! I also think you should start putting your foot down and assign him some housework. He’s not contributing to the household the same amount that you are AND he works less. You need a partner, not a child.

Post # 14
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I get many men arent into wedding planning. Fine.

But the very least he can do (espc when working fewer hours) is help more with day to day stuff so you can plan it!!!! 

Nip this in the bus now

Post # 15
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

I didn’t comment on the house stuff situation bc I don’t know your household dynamic. It seems like you’ve been doing the majority of the housework so if thats always been the case I can see why he’s not jumping to help out more. Of course it would be nice if he offered but I dont think its necessary to jump down his throat about it if you haven’t expressed a desire for more household help prior to this. From what I’ve read it seems you’ve only pressed him for wedding planning assistance.

In my household I handle all domestic tasks. Cooking, cleaning, washing etc., Its simply the way things are done and expected so my Fiance wouldn’t hop to start assisting me around the house unless we had a discussion about it. Men aren’t mind readers and some are downright clueless, especially when they are used to things being done a certain way. 

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