Post # 1
To make a long story short, I’ve been with my fiance for over 4 years. We’ve been engaged for 1 1/2 years. We were supposed to get married last fall but we postponed it because he couldn’t find a job.
We’re both almost done our school and he has an unrealistic view of the career he wants. He doesnt want to work in the field he’s studying in. He needs tutoring to pass exams to get the job he actually wants, or at least should study on his own which he can, but he won’t. We were hoping that once were done school and we find jobs we could get married which would probably be next fall. I’ve explained to him at the rate he’s going, it won’t happen in that year at least for sure. I’m tired of not living with him. We both live with our parents and we’re young adults in our twenties. We’re getting counselling in 3 months. How should I bring it up in counseling and/or what should I do? I don’t want to be harsh. Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 2
I honestly think the first thing to do is realize that you cannot make him motivated. He can only find that within himself. The twenties are often a time of figuring stuff out, whether it be career-wise or something else. Some people take longer than others. Some people don’t figure it out at all.
If he’s not motivated, you have to be prepared to marry an unmotivated person. You cannot count on him to change. You cannot push him, it’ll likely build resentment. You can only offer your support, if that is what he wants. This is a path he has to travel on his own.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2018 - Our Backyard
im afraid pp is right. You cannot motivate an unmotivated person. Will try to keep this short but basically, my sister met her now ex-husband when she was 15, he was 14. They always said they loved each other and wanted to get married, which they did. They were both 21. They were married about seven/eight years (together 15) when she finally admitted that she was miserable (even though we already saw it). anyway, it turns out her husband was an alcoholic and a stoner and only worked about four hours a week. He also had extreme anxiety. He is a musician and would feel anxious when he didn’t get a gig but was such a perfectionist that when he did get a gig he would completely stress out about it. So, either way she was fucked. Anyway, she was completely paying for everything and when she finally kicked him out she even gave him $3000 to get an apt and stay out of her life. I guess I’m telling you this because even though she works extremely hard – she is a veterinarian – her husband never got it together. He would never do the dishes or laundry or clean or do anything to help. He just got drunk/stoned and would play music. For two weeks while they were separating she didn’t go home and he never even walked to the mailbox to get their mail! my point is, even though she was the best thing ever happened to him his lack of motivation completely ruined the relationship. I hope that it is not this bad in your case but, know that you really can’t fix it. He has to fix it himself.
Post # 4
One way to look at it is that no matter what, there will never be a good time. There will always be something coming up. There will always either be a job change, or school, or a health issue, or whatever.
But then I noticed you’re in your 20’s, perhaps early 20’s? Easier said than done, but then that means you have the luxury of not having to feel pressured for time. Is your problem that you can’t afford to live on your own together until he gets a job, so that’s why you’re postpoining marriage and living with your parents? I’d suggest making him feel supported and coming to terms with accepting him as he is right now. Good luck.
Post # 5
Echoing PPs — you can’t make him want to do these things, you can’t make him follow through on things.
This may just be who he is — if that’s the case you have to think long and hard about marrying him as these issues can cause a great deal of resentment on both sides over time.
Post # 6
It sounds like he needs to switch career choices which should be no big deal in college. People do it all the time. What is stopping him from getting the tutoring?
Post # 7
oh dear, my ex fiance was like that. always unmotivated and looking for excuses to why he didnt do xyz. i tried not to be harsh, was supportive and caring at first, but he took it for granted and saw it as green light to keep things going his way. after a certain period of time things only got worse. i struggled with his lack of motivation for longer than im proud of. but in the end i thought – if his “willing to start a family with me” isnt motivating enough to at least find a job already, he’s not a person for me.
i’m really sorry you’re going through this *hugs* but i second PPs who advised to seriously think about the cons of marrying this kind of person.
best of luck.
Post # 8
If moving out of his parent’s house in his 20’s, graduating from school, and marrying you aren’t motivation enough then I don’t really know what else you can do.
You’re his partner, not his mommy. If he’s not grown up enough to find motivation in himself then I would absolutely not be marrying him.
Post # 9
He says he can’t afford tutoring. He only has to study English, and with the internet and books it’s not a huge task. He’s just being lazy imho. My counsellor says he could be depressed by how I describe him, but his counselor thinks he’s fine.
Post # 10
Yeah that’s why we postponed
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
tessa08: you should never go into a relationship with conditions. For example “we can get married when xyz happens” or “things will work out once he xyz”. You should also not expect someone to change. Once you learn to accept people at face value you will save yourself a lot of heartache. I wasted a lot of time waiting on changes that never happened. I got the ring, I got the marriage, and it ended and now he’s the same person he always was. YOu can’t make someone be motivated. He has to find that in himself.
My advice to you is to figure out what you want for your future. Figure out how he can reasonably fit into that future. Sit down and talk about what he sees for the future as well and work on a reasonable list of expectations and timelines. If you can’t come to a reasonable agreement, walk and don’t look back. IF he let’s you down on deadlines, or otherwise doesn’t hold up his end of things, cut it off and be done. His word needs to mean something and if you let it go when he doesn’t keep to his word, he will know you will always take him back regardless of if he is holding up his end of the bargain or not.
Post # 12
If he’s already like this, it’s going to be so much worse if you get married. I have always been very driven, and I would not be able to tolerate that kind of behavior in a partner.
What kind of counseling are you talking about? Are you doing couples counseling? Academic counseling? It sounded like you have separate counselors. If you are doing the counseling together, your counselor will probably give each of you an opportunity to express your grievances. I hope things get better for you two.
Post # 13
Ask yourself: if he stays exactly the way he is now, will you still want to marry him? And if he stays exactly the way he is now, will you be a happy wife 10 years from now?
Because, most likely, he will stay exactly the way he is now.
Post # 14
Sorry, I explained it wrong. He saw a counselor alone just one time to sign up for couples counselling with me. I also had to do that in order to sign up. It’s just so they see both sides first. In 3 months we’ll start it because there’s a waiting list.
Post # 15
A little update: Im seeing a counsellor alone right now, and I saw her today. She said that I shouldn’t try to tell him to do anything, I should just give myself a time limit as to how long I want to wait and see if he changes on his own with regard to his work ethic and if he doesnt change I should leave him if that’s what I want. She said if I tell him to do things, he might for a while and when we’re married he might go back to not having a job, and I’ll be unhappy. Thanks for all your replies and advice. I really appreciate it and it was very helpful 🙂