Post # 1
I’ve struggled for the past couple years in deciding whether to break off my engagement.
My fiancé was by my side following the breakup of my daughter’s father and I – and been such a rock to lean upon for emotional support and friendship. We have been together for almost four years – living together for the past year. We both have a 9 year old child – and our kids are here with us every other week. We do lots of fun things as a “family”.
My concern is his lack of responsibility in the way of his finances, (several years past due taxes) his on-again, off-again use of marijuana, and just an overall unmotivated sense about life.
I am a CFO and take finances very seriously. I like to wake up early and get things done. He likes to sleep in, stay up late, and play video games. He does make contributions now and then to household chores, but doesn’t keep our yard up or do much outside (which are things I desire in a man).
He has a good heart. But I just don’t know anymore. I don’t want drugs as part of my life – or his life. He always says “it’s a processl and that he doesn’t want that as part of his life, but always ends up back with it. I want to be with someone who is driven, motivated, and responsible.
What would you do??
Post # 2
If you have been contemplating breaking up with him for years, just pull the pin. That is a miserable way to live, sets a bad example for the kids and is not fair to him.
Post # 3
he can stop using marijuana anytime he wants. he just likes getting high and doesn’t see a reason to stop. if you’ve talked about how you feel and he knows how serious a problem you consider all these thing to be i wouldn’t be overly optimistic about him changing anytime soon. make peace with things staying how they are or make an exit plan.
Post # 4
Don’t wait around for him to change. Either you want to be with who he is now or you don’t.
You can still like someone, even love them, and have it not be the right relationship for you. If you’ve been considering breaking it off for years then this probably isn’t the right relationship for you.
Post # 5
Chile! Delete delete delete! Dump him yesterday! He’s a nice guy but he’s a bum. If he’s all that great, keep him as a FRIEND; not a life partner. You have different values and goals, nothing against him, you’re just going different places in your lives.
Also- you already knew this answer. Do you need a courage boost? Here you go: You’ve already wasted 4 years of your life with him. You’ve seen who he is and what he has to offer. What he has to offer as a partner is not appealing or acceptable for you. So you need to free up that space he’s taking up (with his marijuana and video games and long ass unmowed lawn) for someone who is a better match for you to come be by your side.
DUMP HIM! The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be on your kids and on both of you.
One last thing- this doesn’t have to be a fraught or dramatic thing. Once things are all said and done, you may still be able to be friends (after an appropriate healing period). He just probably never should have been more than a friend in the first place.
Post # 6
You can’t make someone stop using drugs as frequently, or make them be motivated.
If he’s not listening, or not willing to change, if you want to save this relationship I would go to couples therapy. Sometimes people are more willing to listen to a 3rd party then their spouse. It might be a wake up call for him.
But he needs to want to make changes. You can’t want it for him.
He’s got to be willing to see how his behavior is impacting you, and decide if he loves you and your happiness enough to step it up.
Therapy is usually worth a shot. But if he refuses to change, you have some tough decisions ahead.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
He’ll always be an albatross around your neck. You’re clearly an accomplished woman and this “transitional” relationship is past its expiration date. You deserve more. Tell him what you need to continue the relationship. If he isn’t up to the task it’s time to move on to someone who will. You and you child will hurt, but in the end I think it will be worth it to have a real partner. Financial problems/irresponsibility are a deal breaker for me.
Post # 8
You’ve been settling and you will continue if you stay with him. Let him find someone else more like himself so he can be happy to be lazy and smoke pot.
Post # 9
He may have been a good ‘rock’ to lean on in hard times, but he just sounds like a rebound relatonship of convience rather than the kind of life partner you’re really looking for. Of course when you were feeling down after your break up, having anyone there that was supportive must have been great… but that doesnt make him the right guy for you. Sounds to me like it’s way past time to move on and find a motivated man that is on the same page as you financially and responsibly as an adult.
Post # 10
If you KNEW he used drugs and have been contemplating breaking it off with him for years, then WHY would you have moved in with him and moved a child in with him? That makes no sense whatsoever. If you’re going to break up with him or if he doesn’t make you happy, it’s better to go now than to let the kids get even more attached. And next time, be sure before bringing kids into a situation.
Post # 11
echomomm : good point! At that time the use was “off” with a promise it was off forever.
Post # 13
Leave! You deserve to be with a driven, motivated, responsible person. You don’t have to stay with him just because he has been supportive – you are on different pages and it’s ok to leave.
Post # 14
Completely different lifestyles and values. That doesn’t sound like a reliable person you can count on to be responsible, since he views weed and money like a free-for-all.
Post # 15
What would you tell a friend if she was asking for the same advice? Dump him and move on