Post # 1
Please don’t judge me, I am overwhelmed, not thinking clearly right now and already hating myself for thinking this.
I just found out that I am pregnant. Darling Husband wants to keep it, while I am 50/50. Holy crap.
Background: (sorry very long)
Several years ago I found out I had PCOS. I was told that I may struggle to conceive. I came off the pill a year ago to test my cycles without hormones. My cycle varied from 30-50 or so day, and Using an app, we tried to avoid sex during the supposed fertile period, and used a diaphragm. I know, this is stupid, neither are foolproof but I believed that I would have issues and never thought I’d get pregnant so easy. (also Darling Husband is severely depressed and sex hasn’t happened much lately).
Well I was expecting my period, got my typical acne, been moody and my boobs have been so sore. Been patiently waiting for my period but nothing happened. Happens a lot so I wasn’t too concerned. I started feeling a bit off and dizzy and as I am overly paranoid I took a test. And a second was also positive, so now just waiting on blood results to arrive. But two tests can’t lie right?
We weren’t planning TTC for a couple of years. I am studying and have a casual job in a vet clinic. Pregnancy could be a liability and I don’t want my hours cut. I need this clinic to study or I can’t complete my course. And this could ruin any chance of a permanent job there which is my ultimate career goal. No other vets would take on a pregnant student. We are also struggling financially and Darling Husband is miserable in his job and wants to study as well. I don’t feel ready for a baby. We have only been married 2 years and have both struggled with anxiety and depression. I have also been around anaesthetic gas at work, haven’t been on prenatals and have taken several medications. I think I would be around 6-7 weeks.
I don’t want to bring a baby into the world when we can’t give it 100% and I don’t want to dump a newborn in childcare so I can go back to work. I feel selfish that I am finally happy career wise and don’t want to jeopardise that. We have wanted kids since the early days of our relationship though, and Darling Husband had come to terms with the fact that we may need have any naturally. He said that he can’t live with terminating and then finding out later that we can’t conceive again. I totally understand. I really do and it kills me to think we could never have anther baby. But right now this just can’t happen. I am trying to think logically about what is best for everyone. I am terrified. I can’t do this, I am so scared and I’m not ready to become a mum (Im 27, Darling Husband 30). I hate myself for even thinking this and I would never tell Darling Husband but I am kinda hoping something happens to this pregnancy so I don’t have to terminate or keep it. How can I think that? I have seen friends struggle and go though IVF so it’s a miracle that I am throwing away right? So many people struggle and I honestly thought we would too. And I am in a loving marriage so how can I think this?
My anxiety is back and is so bad which can’t be good for a baby. Has anyone been though this? Opinions and advice welcome?
Post # 2
Just because you’re in a loving marriage doesn’t mean you have to go through with the pregnancy. If the time isn’t right, it just isn’t right. Take some time to calm down and really consider all of your options.
Post # 3
Whether or not you are ready (or want) a child can be totally independent of whether you are happily married, you age, and so on. It is not up for me or ANYONE else to tell you “oh, don’t worry, you MAKE it work” or criticize your reasons, or criticize those reasons because in their view you otherwise should be able to raise a baby. Not their life, not their body, not the ones who would be committing to a a life of parenting. It also does not matter if others would feel “blessed” to be pregnant, have struggled with infertility or had 1,000 IVF treatments. Your pregnancy, or termination of it, has absolutely nothing to do with their own journey. You keeping the pregnancy does not make them magically fertile, or whatever else. I am also not into the whole “fear” as motivation thing: well if you don’t go ahead now it might never happen. No, the present is your reality.
I understand you feel conflicted as your Darling Husband wants this pregnancy to carry on but…he is not one carrying pregnancy and dealing with potential personal consequences. He is not one birthing. Is he going to be primary caregiver? Are you prepared to be so if that does not work out, or as often happens, take over anyway? Where is money coming from if one of you stays home, or for childcare if there are already financial struggles? Is having a baby going to place a huge amount of stress on the marriage where it already sounds like there are a lot of stresses? Would you be prepared to raise this child on your own if something happened to him, or to the marriage? Maybe not pleasant to think of, but these are still possibilities.
I am in a loving marriage as well, and I am myself childfree. I am not sterilized but before then if there had been an unplanned pregnancy I would have terminated. It would have NOTHING to do with the health of my marriage, or my feelings about my marriage. It is simply because having children is not something I want. In my case, that means forever, in your case, that sounds like it means right now.
IT IS OKAY TO FEEL WHAT YOU DO!
IT IS OKAY TO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE THIS PREGNANCY!
Post # 4
please dont terminate this baby. I hear the anxiety and fear in your post. but know this, all children are a blessing. truely. right now, you see how you wish for your life to go but even as things are running smoothly there are factors beyond your control. you are 27 and dh is 30, you are adults. you are not children. you are comepletly adult enough to love and care for this child. Choose life. choose to be a mom and allow your Darling Husband to be a Dear Daughter. i am a RN and work in surgery. I can tell you what it is completely like to assist in the termination of a pregnancy where the baby died. The pain I feel for that mom and dad. and the sadness for the death of that unborn child can be overwhelming for the nurse. i cannot imagine the sadness of the parents. Do not choose termination of a living human being. It will forever change your relationship with your Darling Husband. a kind of change that will never be forgotten. never.
love yourself, love your husband and love this baby that is growing inside of you. You have PCOS and against all odds your body has life growing in it and that is amazing. talk to your husband about these anxieties. you can work them out. I promise. rarely do people feel it is the right perfect time to have a baby. but if you wait for the perfect time, you will never have a child.
Pray about this before making any decision. and I have prayed for you as well.
Post # 5
You should talk through both options with your husband. At the end of the day, this has nothing to do with anyone else’s opinion, beliefs or ability have kids. You should do what you feel is right for you and your husband based on where you are in life right now. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Post # 6
At the end of the day its your body. Pregnancy is much harder and way more dangerous than most men realize and if you dont want to put your body through that, thats totally ok and understandable. You dont owe the use of your body to anyone ever. I told my partner that I’d never carry a pregnancy to term, I love him to death hes my prince charming but at the end of the my body is mine. If he cant respect your body he doesnt truely respect you.
Maybe try educating him on the risks get him to watch labor videos and read horror stories might help him understand.
Post # 7
xstardustx : You sound like you’re being way too hard on yourself. In all fairness, no contraceptive method is 100% reliable (except abstinence) so you need to give yourself a break.
It’s clearly not a good time for you to be pregnant. To me you sound practical and responsible. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not feeling like you can take care of a child right now. I understand your husband’s views too, but it’s also your body and your pregnancy. That said, you need each other a lot right now. Talk it through thoroughly. Get some advice, from both your GP and from someone who can help you with your emotions. You have options, so talk it through.
Post # 8
Please do whatever is right for you. I know your husband is part of this decision but you get the final word, it is your body, and he needs to truly support and accept whatever choice you make.
Post # 9
I think you need to speak to you’re husband and both talk over how you both feel. It’s your body and you don’t have to keep the child, but you don’t want to hurt your husband either right? So maybe speaking to him calmly and you guys can resolve it where both of you are happy. If you’re not ready don’t bring a baby into the world. Also, if I were you I’d probably keep the baby just out of fear of not being able to have another child; however, looking from you’re situation from the outside it wouldn’t be a smart move finaically. And I wouldn’t be able to see that, which you are, so you’re already one step ahead of the situation. Men don’t understand pregnancy, so maybe talk to him calmly about it. Best of luck bee. Sending love from Canada.
Post # 10
As some one who also has pcos and is not as fortunate as you, ie we have been trying to conceive for almost 5 years I have to say you need to think about this. Just because you have fallen pregnant now does not mean you may be able to in the future, the PCOS may get worse, now might just be your time.
Post # 11
I was going to respond to PP who tried to shame you into keeping this “baby” (not yet a baby), but this is about you. First, take a few days to breathe and wrap your head around this situation. If you are 6-7 weeks, you do have a bit of time before making a firm decision. If you’re not ready for a baby, you’re not ready. You sound like you have a lot of strong reasons to not be ready, regardless of age or relationship status. No, not all children are a blessing to all people, and that’s okay. Sit down, talk with your husband, and both really share why you feel the way you do. Ultimately, your body, your decision.
Post # 12
I feel so torn on this topic. But this is about you and your feelings. However, I think your husbands feelings are just as important in this. Adding to the situation that you have PCOS and may never be able to conceive again plus your husband wanting the baby…I am just so torn. I cannot imagine how conflicted you must be feeling. I think the first step is to calm down for a day or two and try to get some perspective.
We can all tell you what we think we would do in your situation but none of that matters. Please pray on this and have a heart to heart with your husband about this. I pray that you both will reach a decision that is sound in both your hearts.
Post # 13
Post # 14
RayKay : + a million.
OP, it’s so natural to want to look at the future and use “what ifs” to inform the decisions you make today. But ultimately you need to live in the present. Best wishes as you explore your options.
Post # 15
feeshpup : Can’t we please keep this about the OP out of respect for her situation? It would be a shame if this turned into a drama thread given the severity of the post.