(Closed) Unplanned pregnancy… Freaking out. We want different things

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

You need to make the decision with your Darling Husband, it’s his baby too. Considering that you have fertility issues, really consider whether you could have a baby now. You state many reasons but I fee like it may not be as black and white. I know many people who have had kids while in law school, residency etc. They’ve all made it work. There are also great daycares around, it’s not ‘dumping’ a newborn in daycare.

It may be a good idea that you big discuss this with a third party because, considering your histories with anxiety and depression, the decision you make is likely to severely affect one of you.

Post # 32
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

bywater :  that is a shit thing to say. She should not feel held hostage by a very common diagnosis. 

Post # 33
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee

pcosbee :  I’m speaking from experience.  You can call it a shit disgnosis if you want but it doesn’t change the facts about how it impacts a woman’s reproductive health.

Post # 34
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

bywater :  I didn’t call it a shit diagnosis.

Post # 35
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

xstardustx :  The only advice I have is that this really needs to be a decision that you and your husband make together. It would be unfair of you to not hear him out on what he wants as much as it would be unfair for him to not hear you out. You have legitimate fears and needs and so does he. So it’s time to sit down as a couple and decide what you are comfortable doing together. It will be a hard conversation but know that whatever you both decide your decision is neither wrong nor impossible to one day overcome and be at peace with. 

Post # 36
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee

pcosbee :  sorry. I misunderstood.  However. I stand by what I said.  If she decides to terminate, then she needs to understand the physiology of the disease process.

Post # 37
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: LA Athletic Club

Hi Bee,

You need to do what’s best for you. If you feel you aren’t financially ready then you aren’t ready and can try when YOU are ready. You don’t need to do something you’re not ready for or comfortable with. Please Do Not listen to the other people on this board that try to guilt trip or make you feel bad. It’s YOUR Life and YOUR body. Talk to your husband about it and express how you feel. Your anxiety could increase with having a child and could without it. No one knows. I’m also a clinican/psych and could not determine, so bee’s stop trying to play Doctor.

Unless your her OBGYN and an MD then you do NOT know if it will have any effect on her body. Stop giving advice based off of religious views. No one can guarantee that anyone will always have a roof over their head, financially stability, career etc. Just because some of you were able to financially care for a child does not mean every woman is able to. Some women lose their child to social services or become homeless, while others are able to provide a great life for their child.  It’s her decision and it has no effect on any of you. 

Post # 38
Member
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would consider this pregnancy a blessing in disguise. It’s never really a “right” time to have a baby. If having a baby is one of your life goals, you will find a way. It’s a tough spot, especially with your anxiety issues. Regardless of what happens in the end, I’m sure you will make an informed decision together with your spouse on what’s best for you two. 

Post # 39
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Honestly, don’t let issues like being in school, or needing to get a better job first, come before the baby. Honestly, if you try, there are always reasons why now isn’t a good time to have a baby. If you wait until you’re done school, you’ll want to work a year or two to establish your career, once you have the career going, you’ll say “I’m needed at work – I can’t just abandon everyone for a year to have a baby”.

I want to say so badly to have the baby — but I’m biased. I would have loved to have had more children – but while giving birth to my son I got a massive blood clot that came very close to killing me (they even called social services in to take the baby away, because they figured I only had minutes left to live, and my husband had left the hospital to get lunch. They didn’t think I’d last until he returned). I’ve been told my chances of another deadly clot are about 95%. I’ve got one child – I won’t risk leaving him without a mother. Thank God I got the chance to have the one. Whenever someone I know is pregnant, I have a little cry, then pull myself together, and at least feel grateful for what I was given.

So – as I said, I’m biased, so not the right person to ask – but I would say that there’s no ‘perfect’ time to get pregnant (well, maybe retirement – but it’s nature’s cruel joke that when you finally have the time, your body isn’t up to it).

Post # 40
Member
10033 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you know what you need/want to do. You have valid points for why you and Darling Husband are not currently ready for a child. The decision is totally up to you but don’t let anyone force their beliefs on you and make you feel guilty for whatever decision you may make.

No matter what happens, you can get through it.

Post # 41
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I hope you decide to keep this baby. As others have pointed out, there is no ideal time to have a baby anyway and many people have made it work while young, in school. And you do not know if you will have this opportunity again. You are married and it seems to me that in your heart you do love this baby. 

Post # 42
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

I haven’t read every reply,  but here are my thoughts. I am a very logical, plan-oriented person,  and it sounds like you could use that right now. 

Get two pieces of paper. On one,  write out a “to do” list for termination,  including making an appointment,  going,  and coping with your feelings and those of your Darling Husband. What would day to day life be like?  Would you want to go to counseling? Etc. Basically,  write out a game plan for that reality. On the other paper,  write out a game plan for keeping the baby.  When would you be due, how much would appointments cost, would you take time off or would you have a family member take care of baby,etc. See what that reality would look like, too.

Essentially,  going from here,  imagine both circumstances and see what you think.  You have time.  Don’t make any rash decisions one way or the other. Talk it over with Darling Husband, ask him to discuss the possibility of termination with you even though it’s not what he wants. He needs to understand you are scared. 

Finally, I think you need a 3rd party to talk it over with (Your mom,  a BFF, etc) who can be an impartial sounding board and play devil’s advocate. 

Best of luck, bee!

Post # 43
Member
2989 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

How would you (and your husband) feel if you aborted this pregnancy and never got pregnant again?

That sounds like a real  possibility. If you’re both ok with the possibilty of not being parents in the future,  then you have your answer. Good luck with whatever you choose. 

Post # 44
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

You have time before you make any drcisions. I’m sure it’s extremely shocking, but take a few days to talk this through with your husband and think about your options. There are so many options and respurces, no need to feel alone. You can handle this, no matter what you decide to do. 

Post # 45
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

Please consider keeping the baby. It is early enough to get on prenatals. You are strong and caring and seem to have a lot of love to give this child. 

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