Post # 1
My boyfriend asked me to sign a prenup before he proposes. There is a significant age difference between us (15+ years) and for that reason he does have considerable more assets than I do. I completely agree with signing a prenup to protect his pre-marital assets because he worked hard to attain those. I also have assets to protect such as my retirement, savings account and my house. In addition to protecting pre-marital assets, I don’t even mind waiving my rights to alimony in the event of a divorce. Neither one of us has children, so no worries there.
What perturbs me is that the prenup asks me to waive my rights to survivor benefits and it states we will absolutely not accrue any joint assets during the marriage. Essentially, the prenup states that what he pays for is HIS and what I pay for is mine and there will be absolutely no comingling of assets, etc. The prenup even outlines that whatever house he purchases is his and any interior decorating, etc I choose to do to his house is “marital labor” and I am therefore not entitled to be reimbursed, compensated, etc in the event of the divorce. The prenup also defines what is considered a “marital gift”. In a nutshell, I will receive a big ZERO in the event of a divorce or death unless my boyfriend names me as the beneficiary of his Will. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by all these “rules”.
I was insulted by the verbiage of the prenup because I’m established in a career, have a degree, savings/retirement, my own house and I’m furthering my education. My boyfriend told me to detach my emotions from the “contract” and have faith that he will name me as the beneficiary of his Will. I don’t understand why he’d ask me to waive my rights to his estate, but than name me as his beneficiary anyway??? My boyfriend contends the prenup is “fair” to both of us because he will waive all rights that I’m also asked to waive. I told him he’s looking out for himself and not me. I feel like he wants all the pleasures of marriage and a good woman, but does not want to build a life together as partners and risk losing any assets. I can’t help but feel like the marriage will be more of a business relationship.
I am torn over this, sad and my heart hurts, but he says I’m being too analytical and emotional. Ultimately, I informed him I will NOT sign anything I don’t agree with and he is refusing to remove any of the clauses because he will be “at risk” otherwise. I am meeting with an attorney to discuss the prenup and attempt to reconcile our differences, but I feel like he will not budge. This is my first marriage and his second. I have a feeling my attorney will advise against signing the prenup as is.
I feel so guilty and sad for posting this… 🙁 Thoughts?
Thanks for reading this.
Post # 2
I’m sorry. He sounds awful and I’d be thinking strongly about ending the relationship rather than moving to the next step. I can’t stop cringing at the term ‘marital labor’. Since the house would be ‘his’ does that mean you wouldn’t need to pay any of the mortgage?
He honestly doesn’t seem to see you as a life partner nor does he seem concerned with your future. It’s one thing to be worried about divorce, it’s a whole other to still want you to receive nothing if he passes.
Post # 3
Well…this is a common feeling surrounding prenups. Your lawyer can advise you. I agree that I don’t think this first draft will fly.
As for your feelings and trust in him…that’s between the two of you. You have to determine if he’s being genuine with his whole detaching your feelings speech and you feel he loves you despite the assets issue/wording of the prenup (were those his ideas or was it his lawyer’s suggestions?) OR if he is really selfish. Pay attention to your gut.
The prenup is for asset division (or lack thereof) during life. The will or a trust CAN assign you assets in the event of death.
FWIW I have some assets, inherited and otherwise and due to my DH’s volatile ex, we consulted lawyers regarding a prenup. One in particular was highly jaded regarding marriage and made some outrageous suggestions about the wording. Needless to say, we didn’t hire this firm.
My advice? Have his attorney draft a will. Execute the (revised/acceptable) prenup and will at the same time. Of course, be sure the will is acceptable to you, too.
I know it’s unromantic at best. But it sounds like he may have grounds and you understand–to a point. However, his delivery and refusal to bend outright sucks. I’d really have to question that….and whether I could live with someone who seems more interested in the “me” than an “us.” Just make sure your terms are heard. In the end, you have to live with and be comfortable with this. Don’t cave. If he’s not interested in meeting you halfway, it would be wise to ask yourself some character-related questions about who he is vs who you really want.
Post # 4
I’m usually all for prenups, but: fuck that shit. Run in the oposite direction. Fifteen years older? Control issues? Thinks his private attorney can rewrite state marital laws in his favor? Holding a legally binding agreement over your head before he’ll even think about marrying you? How did you not laugh in his face?
This doesn’t even make any damn sense. Are you going to split the refridgerator down the middle with a piece of tape, with your carefully labeled food on one side and his on the other, and never in your life share a meal? I guess you’re going to calculate utility bills like electricity and water down to the penny? “Well, you took a six minute twelve second shower on Wednesday, so that would be 12.71 gallons, so…”??? If you buy coat hangers for your clothes that hang in HIS closet in HIS house, are they technically his by the “marital labor” bullshit? What the fuck?
Get out of there.
Edit: I think it’s pretty glaringly obvious that while he’s asking you to detach your emotions(?) and have faith in him, this whole thing is about him refusing to do just that for you. He’s telling you he won’t confirm if you’re his beneficiary (the most basic and important Life Planning thing) while telling you that you need to sign away your rights to any throw pillows you might buy. Jesus Christ.
Post # 5
First of all, it’s a huge red flag to me that he’s having you sign it before he’ll even propose – it’s bizarre and clearly indicates what his true priorities are.
Second of all, the prenup you’re describing isn’t necessarily wrong in and of itself, but it sounds like it’s wrong for you. As someone who asked her then-FI/now-DH to sign a prenup, I can say that a prenup like that wouldn’t fly for me personally. I wanted to protect what I brought into the marriage in case we divorced, but I am of the belief that what we earn together as spouses should be shared in both marriage and divorce. Marriages aren’t supposed to be between two lone wolves…each spouse plays a role in the success of the other and therefore should share in the rewards. But that’s just my own view; DH shares the same view, so it worked out well for us. It sounds like your expectations of what marriage should be do not match his.
Post # 6
I think prenups are a wonderful idea, when they are fair.
This in no way is fair and I wouldn’t be signing my name on that or a marriage certificate with his name on it.
Post # 8
I have no problem with the idea of a prenup if it is fair to all parties this one is just bull. what ever you do do not sign that, marriage is a partnership and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to be your partner. Don’t even get me started on the marital labor part.
Post # 9
I only have two things to say:
2. DON’T LOOK BACK!
Ok, fine, a couple more things: Prenups can be useful and necessary. But a man who doesn’t believe that a husband is obligated to make sure his wife is fully taken care of and is entitled to a part of his estate after he passes and expects her to legally contract such tripe is not worth anything! That’s not a real man at all; he’s a selfish, bean-counting MISER. DROP HIM!!!!!!
Post # 10
His true colors are coming out. He’s a tight fisted Scrooge and has no sense of generosity toward you, no desire whatsoever to make sure you’re OK in the event something happens to him.
Dump his ass. Lucky girl, you found this out before tying the knot with him. He’s beneath you. Move on.
Post # 11
Run away marriage is about a life together. Run girl !!!
Post # 12
Nope nope nope. I’d have no issue signing a prenup to protect pre-marital assets especially in the event of owning your own business etc., but this seems excessive. And this is coming from someone who insists on maintaining my own bank account and not pooling our money together.
Post # 14
I have a prenup and what was his before the marriage is his and what was mine stays mine. However, anything we acquire during the marriage is OURS, and I think that’s how it should be. Your lawyer will definitely advise against signing this contract, as he should.
Whenever one party is asking another party to sign a prenup, the one being asked to sign (usually the one with less money, but that’s not always the case) can ask for what’s called “consideration” in order to protect themselves. In my case, since I was the one who asked my husband to sign a prenup, his lawyer advised him to ask that I cover his legal fees as the “consideration” which I did. My lawyer told me in another case, he had an extremely wealthy young man ask his bride to sign away all of her rights to his fortune, which she did, for a consideration of $100k.
In your case, since he’s being SO stubborn & stingy, I’d have your lawyer respond asking for a consideration of $1 million and tell him to go eff himself.
Post # 15
Wow. Seems like this man loves his money more than he will ever love you. Run, don’t walk, away from him. FWIW, my Fiance and I are both lawyers who spent three years of our lives in law school getting worst-case scenarios drilled into our heads, and we would still never think of getting this litigious and downright hostile over our finances. Hugs to you, I would be hurt and blindsided by this beyond belief.