Post # 1
So I kind of did this to myself, but heres the story. Any advice is appreciated.
“Tina” and I were close in college. We were there for one another and had a fun, trusting friendship. After college we kept in touch, and though we have drifted apart somewhat over the years, I wanted to honor her friendship to my by asking her to be my bridesmaid. She excitedly accepted all was good in the world.
Then reality kind of hit me. Tina is an amazing, creative, caring person who has a mental illness. Her mental illness can make her a dark, brooding, unreliable, untrusting, chaotic person at times. I have noticed a pattern in the times I have met with her since college that is begining to concern me.
Tina lives in another state but sometimes visits the state that I live in to see family/friends/reunions/etc. I always make a point of meeting up with her when she comes to my state and will go to wherever she is so that we can visit. Whenever we try to make a plan to visit, I will almost always get a call/e-mail/text a few weeks before we are supposed to meet telling me that she has cancelled the trip due to finances. I understand that money is tight and I have always been understanding of this. A few days later, she will contact me saying “Yay! I’m coming”, so I change my plans again to see her. In the past, this will go back and forth and about 50% of the time she acctualy comes. The last time we saw each other was for a reunion, during which we made plans to meet each other to shop for a concert we were in. When I called her to tell her I was on my way to meet her she informed me that she had had some form of drama with someone and had already gone shopping. Its always a crapshoot as to whether or not she will let me down by changing plans unexpectedly.
Well, we are supposed to meet in a few weeks and we have already gone throught the “can’t come, oh wait, yes I can” cycle once. I am, frankly, feeling a little tired of the game and I cannot help but begin to worry about my wedding. Will she pull this at my wedding? Will some sort of “crisis” occur on the day of the wedding? I don’t know. I though she was doing better with her mental illness, but this pattern is disturbing to me. It makes me feel as though she manipulates me (and others) with her behavoir and I am not sure of how to proceed.
Any advice? Does anyone else have bridesmaids with emotional issues that are negatively affecting them? I’m feeling torn and manipulated.
Post # 3
I’m sorry for your bridesmaid trouble. Do you know if she is being seen by a doctor for her problems? I have a few friends with mental illness and medications and therapy have really helped them to become more stable and grounded. I’m not sure what you can do with her to stop the drama, I’m not sure if talking to her would really help.
Post # 4
MissAsB, Thanks for the reply 🙂 She is not currently medicated or seeing a therapist due to finances (her illness is Borderline Personality Disorder, which is extremely complicated and difficult to treat) and while she is trying to work out her issues on her own, it can get sticky. I think I do need to talk to her, just a have a heart to heart and let her know how I’m feeling. Part of me is afraid of setting her off, but I cannot have a fake relationship with her just to avoid conflict.
Post # 5
This is a tough one. I have no advice in terms of the friendship itself…however, as far as having her for your Bridesmaid or Best Man goes, I think you just have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. If you ask her to step down that will probably cause major drama. If you don’t want to deal with that, just operate under the assumption that she will flake on most of the Bridesmaid or Best Man “duties” and that way you will be pleasantly surprised if she does come through.
Post # 6
Based on history, you know it will happen again. That being said, so-what? She is a good friend and you do actually want her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. But, if she doesn’t show up I seriously would not worry about it. I mean what’s the worst that could happen? You have an uneven bridal party? That is SO common in today’s society. And I think since you are already preparing yourself for it, I completely would not worry about it. Include her in things, but mentally prepare for her to not show up, that way if/when she does it’s good feelings you remember and if/when she doesn’t show up nothing is unexpected and you avoid the bridal freakout. lol
If you want to continue being friends, do NOT kick her out, this ALWAYS ruins friendships.
Sorry you have to deal with this though. I hope my advice helps!
Post # 7
In some respects, your friend sounds like a mix of two of my friends who are also now going to be 2 out of 4 of my bridesmaids! One of them is a gal I’ve known for over 10 years, I consider her a very, very good friend and I love her. But, she’s been notorious for cancelling like your friend on me all the time (while not showing any signs of mental illness). She has only started to get a little better about 50% of the time since she married a year ago. Guess her husband has a positive influence on that and being ON TIME versus 2-4 HOURS Late on average!!! 8-0
My other friend who is interesting, is the one I posted about on these boards a very short time ago. You might find encouragement or understanding by reading that thread . . . this friend of mine is also on meds for her anti-depression, etc. and I don’t know what all. But I don’t think the meds are the only reason she behaves like she does sometimes. And she and I haven’t had a heartfelt talk since I called her up to invite her to be a bridesmaid and she accepted (the same conversation outlined in that post about her and her odd response). But, I’m hoping things will even out with her once she’s done with finals this week and realizes I wouldn’t have asked her to even BE a Bridesmaid or Best Man if I didn’t love her and consider it an honor!!
Hope things work out with you and your friend. I thought the input above was good! Here is my post/thread on the similar topic http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/possibly-offended-one-of-3-best-friends-what-now#post-1301864 and it’s entitled “Possibly offended one of 3 best friends! What now?” under Bridesmaids. I was offered some great input/advice.