@xfeijhu: I know it is difficult to conceptualize his refusal to change, but honestly, you need to think about how much you have already changed and how much you are willing to change because you love him.Does he love you the same? You are right to think that if he loved you he would change – he would at least try to change (seek counselling, anger management, etc). In all reality, he is happy being an a$$. And like I said, you staying gives him no incentive to change. If he knows there are no consequences to his behaviours, then why bother changing (it’s like a criminal that doesn’t get caught – there is no reason to stop).
You are right that he shouldn’t be treating you this way, or anyone this way, for that matter. It’s not that you are too sensitive, it’s that you have a reaonable boundary. It’s that you see that you are being hurt and you don’t like it. We have an old saying in my community that pain is a gift no one wants. Pain is nature’s way of telling you something is wrong.
In terms of practicing mindfulness, your posts tell me that you are more advanced than you think. Your mind knows that what’s happening is wrong, and it has triggered emotional pain responses. You don’t need to be more mindful – you need to listen to your heart and soul and body. What he is doing is hurting you. It is painful. That means that it’s not right. It sounds to me like you understand this with your heart, it’s actually your head that can’t catch up.
In north america, we are spoonfed fairytales about taming the player, settling the bad boy down, etc. Like I said, it’s not you, it’s him. If he wants to change, he will. And since he doesn’t, well it’s pretty easy to see that he won’t. you already feel what isn’t right. Like I said, it’s your head, your rational self that won’t catch up. It’s like you are holding your hand on a hot burner because the pain signal hasn’t reached your brain. It’s your head that makes the argument to stay. You body and soul already know that pain is wrong. You are right that there are parts of yourself that struggle against each other. It is always your head that struggles against everything else. It’s our ability to rationalize behaviours, etc. Your head is the detrimental factor here.
I understand very much coming from a culture where women sacrifice themselves for others. I come from one of those too, and also have many role models like this. BUT, you have to understand that staying is NOT a sign of strength. It is a sign of having no where else to turn. It is a sign of inequality and inabilty to provide for a family. Many cultures that see staying in an abusive relationship as a sign of strength also see women as property, and many of those women lack the opportunities to be economically viable outside of the home, including lacking in education. They literally have no where else to go. They have to stay becasue the society is not set up to help a woman in need. This is not the way of my communitiy originally, but I see the influx of western culture impacting our women’s ability to leave.
I don’t beleive that American women are necessarily more empowered than other women. You are by all rights American and seem to be having difficulty. Intimate partner violence happens everwhere. Estimates show that about 25% of women in the US have or are experiencing violence. And that’s just the reported cases. It’s estimated that at around 75% of all incidences are never reported to police, and that a vast majority of women do not report abuse when surveyed. And those are just the stats for physical or sexual violence – it doesn’t even begin to include emotional, psychological or financial abuse. That’s a whole lot of women in the same boat as you.
Honestly, culture is not an excuse for anything. i am an extremely cultural person, but what is wrong is wrong. The social attitudes in your family/community certainly may have an attitude of acceptance towards violence or abuse, but I am honestly telling you it is NEVER acceptible or OK. Never.I don’t care what culture you or him are from. Violence and abuse are learned behaviours that can be unlearned. Think of how beautiful your culture is. Do you feel that it’s right that other people use it to hide something so ugly? By saying it’s “cultural?” Across the world, most non-western cultures were actually originally matriarchal until the influx of western culture. This is not cultural – it’s a reponse to opression. In fact, just because it’s not as acceptable in western society today, that doesn’t mean that the influx of western society is how many communities ended up with high rates of violence against women.
I want you to think of your future daughter or son right now. First, your son. Let’s talk about your son, who will very likely (yep, a 90% chance) of growing up learning it’s ok to be a=busive to women. No matter what you say to him, if the actions in your home speak differently, he will absorb what he sees every day, and is very very likely to be abusive himself when he grows up.
Now think of your future daughter. Do you want your daughter to grown up to marry a man like your bf? Because she will – and if he is the example she has set for her, she is more likely to be in an abusive relationship, more likely to be raped, more likely to be a drug addict, more likely to have negative encounters with the law, and the list goes on and on and on. Do you want this for your kids? You have a choice, but make sure you also understand that you are not just choosing for you, you are making these choices for the next generation. if you can’t love yourself enough to leave, love your (future) children and their children enough to leave, and then learn to love yourself along the way.
It will be one day at a time for a long time. But it gets better. You just need to see that you are worth so much more than this. You deserve to be loved in a good and healthy way. You deserve a good man who doens’t abuse you. You deserve a good life and hapiness. You just need to learn these things. Your bf has really taught you already to undervalue yourself.
I hope that i have been able to help you in some small way. PM me if you ever need to. I know we are strangers, but I really feel like you need some friends/help right now. I know we are stangers, but I really want to see the best for you, because I know your story, it is not unlike my own, but I know that unless you can let go of the bad, there won’t be room for good. And let me tell you, it gets cray good, if you can let it.
Sorry that this is crazy long. Helping people in these situations is also kind of what I do for a living.