(Closed) unrequited love…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@xfeijhu:  I’m so sorry he treats you this way.  From your words, I think you already know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  5 years is a long time, definitely long enough to  know what he’s like and whether he’s capable of changing. 

“recently he even says how embarrassing it is that i even take him back.” I think this line says a lot about how much he respects you.   Sometimes we don’t always do what’s best for us, but I think you already in your heart know what is right for you.  Even if he proposes to you, marriage with him will probably be no different, but I think you already know this too.

I know you love him, but you need to love yourself more right now and not do this anymore.  I wish you the best and I hope you do what you know is best.

Post # 4
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

Having been in a similar relationship myself, once I got out of it, I looked back and realise how emotioanlly abused I’d been throughout the entire relationship.

I did love him. And even now, 6 years later, he’s the only ex I can’t allow myself to think about because of the sheer amount of emotions that are attached to him. Breaking up with him was hard and it took me a good year to stop thinking about him.

But you know what? It was so worth it. And I’d go through that heartbreak again and again if it meant I’d be where I am now – with a man who loves me deeply and would do anything to make me happy. I love him more than I ever loved my ex, and as he lays on the sofa playing on his iPad, I’m looking over at him thinking how happy I am that it’s him that’s there, and not the other guy.

I think you should be with someone who cares about you more than this. It’s the whole ‘be with someone who loves you more than you love them’ kind of thing. If you feel this unrequited love now, just think about how many times you’ll be disappointed with him in the future.

Forgetting your anniversary, not showing up to the kid’s games at school, working late, not helping out with the housework – is just loving the man ever going to make up for all this?

Please don’t read similar accounts on weddingbee as a way of justifying being in this relationship (as I have a feeling you are) but really try to take control of your life. If he’s disappointing you now, he has no real reason to change because you’re allowing that behaviour by staying.

It sounds to me like you can do so much better xx

Post # 5
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Generally, this sucks for you. And I am so sorry you are going through it. I’ve been there and I totally understand what you are going through. Let me be honest in saying that leaving this situation is hard  – but staying is harder.

You are being emotionally abused by your bf. I know it’s hard to wrap your head around it, but that’s what this is. Leaving an abusive situation is one of the hardest things for a woman to do, because they truly believe that the other person will changed. They see just enough of the good to gloss over the bad. In physically abusive relationships the abused partner will be hit an average of 37 times before calling the police. The average victim will then proceed to leave and return to the relationship another 18 times (on average) before leaving for good. I am saying this to illustrate how complex and difficult it can be to leave someone who abuses you, emotionally, physically, etc.

The fact that you are posting on here means that you understand and recognize that something isn’t right. That you deserve better. You DO deserve better. I wish for you to find the stength and courage you need to move on. It is hard, I know. But staying will be much harder on you in the long run.

Hugs!

Post # 7
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@xfeijhu:  It’s always easier to help others. It’s always easier to see things from an objective perspective when working with others too. KNow that it’s not unusual for someone like you to have difficulty getting to the objective perspective when you are in the middle of a bad situtation.

Ever hear the expression “it’s not you, it’s me?” Well in this case, hun, it’s not you, it’s him! No matter how hard you try, you can’t change him, you can’t make him want to change either. And you never know, maybe he will change one day, but he certainly won’t have any incentive to change as long as you stick by him and keep forgiving him. He will just continue the cycle.

It’s mot about sucking it up, sweetie, it’s really about loving yourself enough to stand up for yourself, value yourself, put your happiness first, and understand that no matter what you do, you need to do it for YOU, not anyone else. Only you. And only when you are ready. You will find the strength you need to put yourself first. You will everntually teach yourself to value yourself. It sometimes takes time to learn the lesson, but I swear, once you learn it the hard way, you don’t make the same mistake/choice/whatever the next time.

Hugs!

 

Post # 9
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

recently he even says how embarrassing it is that i even take him back

Oh honey…..NO ONE deserves this kind of abuse from someone they love. He isn’t respecting you…and if he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t truely love you. I’ve been with guys like this….and as much as we’d love to think we can be the one to turn him around, that just doesn’t happen. He is an a$$, and he isn’t going to change because you love him hard enough.

There is a man out there who will love you and respect you, and who would never dream of treating you this way. Being with this jerk is standing in the way of finding him.

Please, do yourself a favour and get out before he beats you down any more. You deserve true love and happiness, and you aren’t going to get it with him.

Post # 10
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You don’t love him, you love the idea of him. You love the man you wish/think he could be, not the man he is. As long as you are with the fantasy of a man, a real man will not have room to enter your life. Ask yourself why you think you deserve this kind of behavior and what you are getting from being in such a one sided relationship. Sometimes we stay because we think it’s the best we can expect in life, sometimes it’s because being alone is scary, sometimes its because we want to prove to others that we were right and that we could change the bad boy.

Don’t over think this–he treats you like sh**, this isn’t what you want in life. Take a deep breath and jump. It will be scary and it will hurt, but not as much as staying will in the long run. The only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship is staying in a bad relationship for one more day.

Once you love yourself and your single life, you will have enough space in your life for the right man to come in.

Good Luck!

Post # 11
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@xfeijhu:  I know it is difficult to conceptualize his refusal to change, but honestly, you need to think about how much you have already changed and how much you are willing to change because you love him.Does he love you the same? You are right to think that if he loved you he would change – he would at least try to change (seek counselling, anger management, etc). In all reality, he is happy being an a$$. And like I said, you staying gives him no incentive to change. If he knows there are no consequences to his behaviours, then why bother changing (it’s like a criminal that doesn’t get caught – there is no reason to stop).

You are right that he shouldn’t be treating you this way, or anyone this way, for that matter. It’s not that you are too sensitive, it’s that you have a reaonable boundary. It’s that you see that you are being hurt and you don’t like it. We have an old saying in my community that pain is a gift no one wants. Pain is nature’s way of telling you something is wrong.

In terms of practicing mindfulness, your posts tell me that you are more advanced than you think. Your mind knows that what’s happening is wrong, and it has triggered emotional pain responses. You don’t need to be more mindful – you need to listen to your heart and soul and body. What he is doing is hurting you. It is painful. That means that it’s not right. It sounds to me like you understand this with your heart, it’s actually your head that can’t catch up.

In north america, we are spoonfed fairytales about taming the player, settling the bad boy down, etc. Like I said, it’s not you, it’s him. If he wants to change, he will. And since he doesn’t, well it’s pretty easy to see that he won’t. you already feel what isn’t right. Like I said, it’s your head, your rational self that won’t catch up. It’s like you are holding your hand on a hot burner because the pain signal hasn’t reached your brain. It’s your head that makes the argument to stay. You body and soul already know that pain is wrong. You are right that there are parts of yourself that struggle against each other. It is always your head that struggles against everything else. It’s our ability to rationalize behaviours, etc. Your head is the detrimental factor here.

I understand very much coming from a culture where women sacrifice themselves for others. I come from one of those too, and also have many role models like this. BUT, you have to understand that staying is NOT a sign of strength. It is a sign of having no where else to turn. It is a sign of inequality and inabilty to provide for a family. Many cultures that see staying in an abusive relationship as a sign of strength also see women as property, and many of those women lack the opportunities to be economically viable outside of the home, including lacking in education. They literally have no where else to go. They have to stay becasue the society is not set up to help a woman in need. This is not the way of my communitiy originally, but I see the influx of western culture impacting our women’s ability to leave.

I don’t beleive that American women are necessarily more empowered than other women. You are by all rights American and seem to be having difficulty. Intimate partner violence happens everwhere. Estimates show that about 25% of women in the US have or are experiencing violence. And that’s just the reported cases. It’s estimated that at around 75% of all incidences are never reported to police, and that a vast majority of women do not report abuse when surveyed. And those are just the stats for physical or sexual violence – it doesn’t even begin to include emotional, psychological or financial abuse. That’s a whole lot of women in the same boat as you.

Honestly, culture is not an excuse for anything. i am an extremely cultural person, but what is wrong is wrong. The social attitudes in your family/community certainly may have an attitude of acceptance towards violence or abuse, but I am honestly telling you it is NEVER acceptible or OK. Never.I don’t care what culture you or him are from. Violence and abuse are learned behaviours that can be unlearned. Think of how beautiful your culture is. Do you feel that it’s right that other people use it to hide something so ugly? By saying it’s “cultural?” Across the world, most non-western cultures were actually originally matriarchal until the influx of western culture. This is not cultural – it’s a reponse to opression. In fact, just because it’s not as acceptable in western society today, that doesn’t mean that the influx of western society is how many communities ended up with high rates of violence against women.

I want you to think of your future daughter or son right now. First, your son. Let’s talk about your son, who will very likely (yep, a 90% chance) of growing up learning it’s ok to be a=busive to women. No matter what you say to him, if the actions in your home speak differently, he will absorb what he sees every day, and is very very likely to be abusive himself when he grows up.

Now think of your future daughter. Do you want your daughter to grown up to marry a man like your bf? Because she will – and if he is the example she has set for her, she is more likely to be in an abusive relationship, more likely to be raped, more likely to be a drug addict, more likely to have negative encounters with the law, and the list goes on and on and on. Do you want this for your kids? You have a choice, but make sure you also understand that you are not just choosing for you, you are making these choices for the next generation. if you can’t love yourself enough to leave, love your (future) children and their children enough to leave, and then learn to love yourself along the way.

It will be one day at a time for a long time. But it gets better. You just need to see that you are worth so much more than this. You deserve to be loved in a good and healthy way. You deserve a good man who doens’t abuse you. You deserve a good life and hapiness. You just need to learn these things. Your bf has really taught you already to undervalue yourself.

I hope that i have been able to help you in some small way. PM me if you ever need to. I know we are strangers, but I really feel like you need some friends/help right now. I know we are stangers, but I really want to see the best for you, because I know your story, it is not unlike my own, but I know that unless you can let go of the bad, there won’t be room for good. And let me tell you, it gets cray good, if you can let it.

Sorry that this is crazy long. Helping people in these situations is also kind of what I do for a living.

Hugs!

Post # 12
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

my first love was unhealthy and similar to that, not sure how old you are but i like to blame it on me being young because looking back now it makes me a little sick thinking about how much crap I dealt with. – So, I know it’s not always easy moving on. In fact it’s really hard but not nearly as hard as your making it on yourself going around in circles and keep on giving 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chances. Think about how much time your wasting? Imagine if you just said NO, I won’t put up with that any longer and had moved on years ago? Your not giving yourself a chance at a happy life by settling for an immature disrespectful boy. you can’t control all the crappy things that can happen to you in life but this is on thing you can.  STOP believing him when he says he is going to change, like you said even he is embarressed for you for being so niave. The best revenge is to go off and have a happy life without him. Don’t let him take any more years from you,Value yourself and go find yourself a Man that knows your worth because I promise you that you will! 

Post # 13
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Walk away. It doesn’t even sound like you love him the same anymore. Resentment can do that. Imagine a happy, settled you. That will be you 6 months from now if you are strong enough to say ‘no’ to this crap right now. When you look back at what you wrote here and how you accepted him belittling you for taking him back, you’ll be surprised that you ever valued yourself so little.

Good luck.

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