Post # 1
Hi, I’m new here, and I need some encouragement. I’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. We only see each other once every few months, and it really bugs me that we don’t have a plan for how we’re going to be together some day. I’ve expressed a desire to get married, but he says he may not be ready for another 6 years (and he has a huge variety of reasons for why…not very encouraging)! The hard part is, I don’t feel good about moving my whole life across the country to be with him if he isn’t sure he wants to marry me. Is that unreasonable?
He treats me very well every day, but when I think about the future and how long it might be before I get to enjoy a “normal” relationship, I feel so hopeless. I found that by taking control of my own future instead of waiting on him to resolve the question of our future I feel much better about my entire life.
So, a couple of days ago I sent him a letter letting him know my plan for the future. I said that I didn’t want to continue in a long distance relationship after I finish my master’s a year from now. I said that if we were engaged, I’d move to be with him, otherwise, I plan to pursue a career wherever the wind takes me. He can come with me if he wants to. I also said that although I love him and want to be with him, if we don’t end up in the same place next year, then that will be the end of our relationship. I wrote this in a much more tactful way, but that was the gist of it. Instead of hoping and begging him to invite me into his future, I’m ready to just plan my own and let him come along if he wants to.
This didn’t come from out of nowhere. About a month ago we had a major fight about our unresolved future, and he knows how miserable I have been. Since then, he has really stepped up in terms of showing me he values our relationship. But we haven’t resolved our commitment issues or figured out a plan for the future.
I feel slightly nervous about having sent this letter. Was I too harsh? Did I jump the gun by laying it on the line a year before I graduate? At the time I thought it was a good idea to give him time to process and make a well-reasoned decision. But did I actually put even more pressure on him? He hasn’t responded to my letter yet, and I don’t know what to expect!
How can we get through this touchy issue gracefully? I want to be with him forever, but I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control over what happens in our relationship or when and where we will end up together. Any advice or encouragement is much appreciated.
Post # 3
I don’t think you jumped the gun at all. Waiting 6 more years is ridiculous IMO. Again IMO, he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. He shouldn’t need 6 years to figure that out.
I too would have told him the same things. Life is too short to settle, or wait and wait and wait for something that may never come.
Good luck, hon.
Post # 4
I think you made the right decision. You’re standing up for yourself while giving him time to figure out what he really wants as well. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
Post # 5
@Sanfranny1: Hey sweetie, first off **hugs** second of all, no you did the right thing…you can’t help how you feel, how can you plan your life when you don’t know where things are going with you two….6 years is a very long time, how old are you guys? If you are in your early twenties just finishing up school and getting ready to start your lives, well, 6 years isn’t too long, but if you guys are in your thirties, well, yes 6 years does seem a bit long…
I think three years together is a good amount of time before getting engaged…everyone has their own timeline and life plan – I would wait, and see what he says, good luck!
Post # 6
I definitely think you did the right thing. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years – but we always had an end date in mind (we were both in school). You have an end date – when you graduate with a masters degree. I definitely think it was a good solution.
Post # 7
Thanks everybody 🙂 I’m 25 and he’s 27. So, we’re young enough to wait for a reasonable period of time, but not forever! I know that what I said was not wrong, but I am having second thoughts because I know he doesn’t react well to pressure about marriage. I wasn’t trying to pressure him when I sent him the letter, but I think he may end up feeling pressured. No matter how he reacts, I think it’s time for me to move forward with my own future instead of waiting on him.
Post # 8
I definitely think you made the right decision in this matter. Your BF should know if he wants to marry you or not and not have to wait six years to make that decision. Waiting six years more years is ridiculous IMO. I think by know he should know if he wants to marry you. Good luck with this!
Post # 9
Hey San Fran – My boyfriend wasn’t ready and I ended up leaving him since I knew exactly what I wanted and if he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me after two years then I needed to move on. I did move on and about 7 months later he started pursuing me again and about 6 months after that he proposed. The old saying holds very true, if you love something let it go……I loved him and it broke my heart that he didn’t want to marry me – but I respected myself enough not to be one of those girls that just “waits” and “waits” and just puts her life on hold….so I stood up for what I wanted and didn’t look back, until he started knocking on my door!! Your gut will tell you what to do – I’m just telling you what I did, not everyone needs to leave someone to “shake” them….. good luck!
Post # 10
I think the point you got across is perfect. There’s nothing wrong with wanting progess in ANY relationship, especially a 2 year LDR. You’re 25, finishing up your Master’s…you’re a catch! Everyone has their own “goals” in a relationship and in their own personal lives. You’re letting yours be known and that’s great. No man should expect you to move across the country when it doesn’t seem like he has any goals for the relationship and it’s unreasonable for a young, successful woman to be in a LDR for an indefinite amount of time. You’re taking care of yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. The ball is in his court.. the ship is sailing, it’s up to him whether he wants to join or stay on shore.
Post # 11
6 years is a long time. But that time wouldn’t be so hard if you could see him regularly. The point of long distance is to plan for when you could be together – you’re totally right. 6 years in a long distance relationship would be too hard to ask of most anyone. I wish I had more to offer. But I trust you’ll make the best decision for you in the end. Good luck!