Post # 1
So I have a question about the role of bridesmaids:
I always thought that bridesmaids were supposed to support the bride and help her with wedding planning details. However my bridemaids seem to think that their role is just to stand on the altar and they don’t seem to want to help me in any way at all.
One of my bridemaids is my fiance’s sister, and she won’t even talk to me directly, everything I hear from her goes through her mom, to my fiance to me.
To be fair, my bridesmaids are scattered all over the country, so most of them can’t do much anyways. But the one bridemaid that is in the same city as me (we’re both grad students) is avoiding helping me in everyway possible. I asked her to give me a ride to a seamstress in town to get my dress altered and she keeps saying she is too busy (I can’t drive because I have epilepsy) It seems lonely and sad to take a cab and go alone.
Am I being unreasonalbe to be upset? Are my expectations too high? What do you all think? Do I need to change my attitude?
Post # 3
Well, was she busy? Did you call her the day of and ask, or had it been planned a long time in advance?
I believe if you give your bridesmaids far enough heads up in advance they should honor their commitments. But you can’t expect people to drop what they are doing and help either. Give lots of notice, then get an honest assessment of what people are and are not willing to do. Then you won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t go as you planned.
Post # 4
That’s rough. They should be helping you out a little bit. Talk time? Take them out to lunch and ask about their lives? Then talk about wedding stuff?
Beeteedubs, I love your name.
‘In his arms, my lady lay asleep, wrapped in a veil. He woke her then and trembling and obedient she ate that burning heart out of his hand. Weeping I saw him then depart from me.’
Post # 5
Sorry your feeling isolated. Unfortunately, the only “job” that Bridesmaid or Best Man have is to stand up for you. Extras like helping plannings, showers, etc are all extra. In my experience, unless your friends are “wedding crazy” like us bees, they probably won’t be very involved (even though they care about you).
As for the friend in town, I’ll speak to my own feelings. I HATE givng my friends rides constantly. Its just my personal feelings, but with gas so crazy expensive. I often resent my carless friends asking to “hang out”, when its actually an “I need did a ride to run an errand”. I’m not saying you are doing anything wrong. I’m totally imposing my own feelings on your friend. Try doing non-wedding related activities with your friend in town. You can probably sneak in wedding talk, and either way, you’ll feel a less alone.
Post # 6
i truely feel that the bridesmaids aren’t obligated to help in wedding planning. I personally didn’t expect anything of my bridesmaids except to show up for the day of and to buy their own dresses. I think that is enough but you would hope that we choose BMs that are close enough friends that would love to help in wedding details.
My bridesmaids were excited enough for me but really didnt have much to do with wedding plans and that was fine with me, some of them offered and some of them didnt. What does make me feel sad is that you have to do these things alone, i at least had my sister (MOH) and mother to help with things here and there. I can understand the inconvenience of having to give rides but i am totally sympathetic in your situation because my sister has epilepsy as well so i know the hardships that come along with it.
I always come to the bee when i felt like talking wedding stuff, no one else cares as much as we do about wedding details.
i hope you find the support you need, the pp have alot of good advice 🙂
Post # 7
It is hard to judge your circumstance because you’ve only given one example. To be honest, I wouldn’t be jumping at the chance to tote my friend around in my car at her whim, though if I was close enough to her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man I would suck it up to help her out.
It is also possible that you haven’t communicated your ‘needs’ explicity to your bridesmaids. Did you ask her casually? Or did you let her know that it was something that really needed to be done and you desperately needed her help? She might not have tought it was a huge deal, and yes, she might have really been busy.
It depends on your friends. I know I am the first of my close friends to get married, so my girls are flying by the seat of their pants. None of us have read the book on BM/MOH etiquitte. They aren’t sending me emails or texts every minutes asking for me to put them to work, but when I’ve asked them for help they have been right there. Just make sure you are asking in the right way.
Post # 8
I think times have changed. When I was younger, I had all the time in the world to help my first friend get married. In the last 7-8 years, my life and job are too hectic for that sort of stuff.
I email my best friend (who is also a colleague) and my SIL when I have little wedding bits to tell them, but I am not expecting any labor out of them. We’re adults. We have lives. If I need help with something and my Fiance and I can’t handle it, we’ll hire it out or let it go.
Post # 9
Technically all a Bridesmaid or Best Man is supposed to do is stand up for you at the alter. All the extra stuff is just bonus stuff. I also agree I really hate being used rides to take people places. I once dated a guy who wouldn’t drive/refused to drive because he had gotten in a minor fender bender before we dated. I hated having to drive him everywhere.
Post # 10
Thanks for all your advice, its good to get so many opinions.
Just to clarify, I almost never ask people for rides places because I can tell it upsets them. And I only asked my friend if she would be able to find time to drive me to the seamstress in general – I didn’t tell her that she had to drive me immediately or at a certain time/day…
I think that I should try to speak more openly with my bridesmaids and also let go of whatever expectations I had from them beyond just being at the wedding.
Post # 11
So i just re-read my post, and my language kind of makes it seem like I am a crazy slave-drvier that has pushed all my bridesmaids away… which is sort of funny in retro-spect.
I honestly really haven’t asked my bridesmaids to do anything (apart from the one instance of the ride to the seamstress) – I haven’t been demanding parties, or that they write invites, or any of that… and I bought their dresses for them.
So I guess I am just expressing my feelings of disappointment that no one seems interested. But I should probably just get over myself and also let go of my previous ideas of what bridesmaids are “supposed” to do.
Anyways, thanks again for your opinions