- 9 years ago
- Wedding: June 2009
Hi hive! I’m a long-time lurker hoping for some perspective. I will try to make this as short as possible.
To begin with, I am getting married in four days!
In the last couple months before the wedding, a series of things caused financial problems, making it difficult to pay for the last few vendor payments. We budgeted carefully to pay for everything ourselves, not expecting our parents to help. Our parents are divorced and the various sides have contributed to a few things, but we have worked hard to save and pay for the bulk of the wedding ourselves. We are adults and have been together for nine years. However, the unforeseen changes in our income and derailed the wedding budget. There are some things left to pay for, like the rest of the catering, flowers, minister, and DJ. I wouldn’t mind doing without some things, but some things you need, and then there are contracts. We could get a loan with incredibly high interest, but I decided to ask my dad for a small loan first. This was difficult for me because I am a VERY proud person and I’ve never asked my dad for anything. It’s not in my nature to ask anyone for anything. But, I guess I thought since it was my wedding, it was important enough to ask
Rather than offer to contribute, my dad proceeded to try to undo the wedding I have been planning for almost two years. He told me that my fiancé and I should just go to the courthouse. He bragged about his $500 wedding to my step-mom nearly 20 years ago, which was horrible. (There was no food and starving people just hogged out on cake until there was nothing left.) He told me to return the beer and wine because he doesn’t drink. He told me to cancel the small rehearsal dinner that the in-laws are paying for. He told me to cancel the DJ and let him sue me. And on and on and on he went trying to undo our wedding. A wedding that my fiancé and I have worked really hard to save for and been planning for a nearly two years. This is ridiculous on many levels, but especially the fact that most things have already been paid for and the amount we still need is tiny by comparison. Really, he could have just said no, but that would have been too kind.
Next my dad told me how the wedding is costing him additional money because he has to take time off to come to the rehearsal. And he’d rather just stay home and not socialize with the in-laws. Then he told me that I need to get a job, and got all condescending, saying, “I have a job, J has a job, L works, C has a career….” He asked when the last time I had a job was. (For those wondering, it was last summer. I’m in grad school and don’t tend to work much during school, because I am already so busy, but I get a job during breaks.) Three days ago I graduated with my master’s degree in history and this summer I am doing an internship at a museum to get some experience. And, yes I am definitely in the market for a job. I got furious at my dad for insinuating that I am some lazy loser because I am trying to get an education and do what I love with my life. He has no clue how hard I have worked to get here or the goals I have for myself. I snapped and told him that I am sick of being disrespected for getting an education, that I am good at what I do, have a 3.9 G.P.A., and the respect of my peers and professors, etc. I was so upset, I told him I had to go.
It’s not about the money. Although I think my father should want to help out, it’s his choice not to. And, we have already figured out how we are paying for the final things. The thing is, I feel like my dad doesn’t know me anymore, or respect how hard I have worked for my education and therefore has no business walking me down the aisle. Like it would be a farce because he doesn’t support me, or the wedding we are having. From the beginning, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to walk me down the aisle, but I gave in because it seemed to matter more to him. (My mother mostly raised me, I have lived on my own for ten years, and I am a feminist.) That was before he basically said I was a pain in the ass because he has to miss work and come to my rehearsal and wedding. And before he disrespected my effort to get an education. I don’t feel he deserves to be seen as the supportive father at my wedding and am considering walking alone.
I’m very upset and this is interferring with my ability to enjoy the fact that I’m about to marry a wonderful man in four days. I am hopefull you ladies can give me some much needed perspective.