(Closed) Unsupportive Dad, Perspective Needed

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

HUGS!!

None of us can tell you what to do about this, because it’s an extremely personal decision, but I just want to say that you should do what makes you happiest on your day. Don’t let your dad steal the show, because this wedding is about your love for your Fiance and the rest of your lives. Good luck and I wish you all the best!

Post # 4
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

I got a lot of attitude from people in my family when I was in school– the attitude being "school is so easy, just you wait.  Having a job is so much harder and therefore more valuable."  I think a lot of people who are not particularly educated feel intimidated by those who seek education before work experience.  Part of this is because the need for higher education is beaten into our brains from an early age.  I know some people in my family were insecure about their lack of education, and made themselves feel better by telling themselves (and me) how much more important work experience was.  

 

Your dad may have seen you seeking financial help as an opportunity to make himself feel better.  I’m not saying that this is an acceptable thing to do at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you’re at.  Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will at least make you feel better. 

Post # 5
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First I am really sorry that you are going through this so close to your wedding day ((hugs)).

Second – without knowing much more about your relationship with your dad I would say its completley up to you but don’t do anything that is going to make you uncomfortable or upset on YOUR big day. If that means telling him that he will no longer be walking you down the aisle than so be it. However if you think there is a small part of you that might regret it than this is something that definitely should be given a lot of thought.

Personally (just because I can be very stubborn) I wouldn’t have him walk me. I would feel that he has made it clear that he has no interest in my wedding and knowing that he doesn’t even really want to attend would hurt me. Deep down it would bother me if he chose not to attend but I would give him the option to not show up at all. But again – I can be very stubborn when I feel that I have been hurt.

Post # 6
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you have every right to be hurt, especially since it was hard to ask for help in the first place. However, congrats on your upcoming wedding and acheivement in school!

I would walk down the aisle alone, but my opinion is colored by the fact that I don’t like the tradition. You are entering equally into marriage and the tradition is too symbolic of the times when women were transfered like property from father to husband and "given" in marriage. However if you would like to walk down the aisle with a parent to honor their role in your life, I think its completely fitting to honor your mom since she raised you.

Post # 7
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

<span class=”postbody”>I hate debt-HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.  But there’s some people that I will never ask for anything from because it is like making a deal with the devil.  I would rather be in debt for the rest of my life than to ask my mom or FI’s mom for anything.  So, if I was you I would take out the loan.  The trouble you are getting from your dad is just not worth it to me.

I don’t blame you for not wanting him to walk you down the aisle.  And from now on if he makes negative comments about the wedding, I’d tell him "This is the last time I am talking about this.  If you choose to bring it up again, I will be hanging up."  

Post # 8
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Money does strange things to people and the relationships.  I say you should have a heart to heart with your dad.  Tell him that you have figured out the money situation and will no longer need his help.  YOu should also let him know how offended you were by your previous conversation when you thought you might need his help.  After speaking with him in depth (if possible) you should make up your mind whether or not he will walk you down the aisle.

((Hugs))

This is extremely difficult, especially so close to your wedding day, but he is still your dad and you should give him a chance to apologize and still be part of your big day.

Post # 9
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Chardonnay,

 Oh ((hugs)) I really feel for you, this sounds so difficult.  First of all, I want to say AWESOME of you to finish grad school and plan a wedding.  I was lucky if I even ate a balanced meal in grad school I was so maxed out and busy all the time!  So I commend you for that. 

Second, moving on to your need for perspective and here’s the thing I’m thinking… 

You don’t want the memories of your special day to be clouded by anger or any other residual emotions over what has happened with your father.  If I were you, I would try to talk to him about it and just put it out on the table.  As a person who’s attended a lot of weddings during times in my life when I though "eh, wedding, blug" it can feel overwhelming to drop your life for a weekend and spend a good wad of cash for a wedding.  It is a selfish perspective to have when a loved one is so happy and marrying, but it happens!  So this may be what is up with your dad. 

But he is your dad and you love him, right?  "Dad, I want to talk to you about some of the tension that has been going on between us in regards to the wedding.  I just have a few things I really need to get off my chest and then I’d really love to hear your point of view and figure out a way that we can make this day as good as possible." and then let him know how you feel about the money thing, the plans, the school comments.  Just tell him.  Try to keep the comments focused on YOU and YOUR feelings, which can perhaps help so he doesn’t become too defensive.  For example "When you talked to me about getting a job, I felt frustrated because I’ve worked really hard to get my master’s degree and I’m so proud of myself that I finished it.  When you made that comment about not working, I felt like you didn’ recognize all the hard work I put into school." 

Third, it is great if he had a $500 dollar wedding but that isn’t what you want to do.  Make sure you state to him what you envision for the wedding and why these details are so important to you- whether or not he pays for it.  You want these things so your guests can have a wonderful time and wonderful memories and bless your union with your loved one and that includes a blessing from your dad.  Putting the effort into trying to find some kind of compromise and common ground with this will help you feel lighter on your feet on your day, and you SHOULD feel that way on your special day.

Good luck, keep us posted on what happens. 

Post # 10
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

sounds too late to try to extract yourself from the contracts; I say try to make other adjustments if necessary to bring your cost down but that looks like it may be too late; I dont quite agree with taking out a loan to pay for a wedding; you may have to find a job at the same to pay it off and be self-sufficient; do you really want to start in debt?

 

other ways to earn money: garage sale, sell your gold orphaned earrings, sell stuff you dont need at home anymore

 

I started selling my jewellry where I lost the other pair or necklaces that got messed up and came up with hundreds of dollars

I also sold items I dont need came up with another hundred

I’ll be holding  a garage sale to come up with a few more extra funds as my job prohibits me from moonlighting

I’m also answering ads/research questionnaires they give me at work and give a $5-300 honorarium as a thank you fee

Find ways to get extra funds, cutback where myou can if its not too late, see if you can re-negotiate with vendors; tell them your financial situation, its not too late, recession hit a lot of people; I negotiated with every single vendor and they were always, always, always able to bring it down for me

 

With your dad, hmm, tough, you may not like him but he is your father, you would not be here standing and breathing if it weren’t for him, think of it that way; you cannot take back your wedding day once it’s done it’s done, just my opinion; do you really want to walk alone when your father is still alive? This day’s quarrel may give rise to a lifetime of regret think carefully before you retract the idea of him walking you down.

 

Good luck!!!

Post # 12
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

keep us posted we are curious how this is resolved, good luck, HAPPY WEDDING DAY in advance

Post # 13
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m so sorry girl that you have to go through all of this just before your wedding day. Congratulations for both your obtaining your master’s degree and getting married. Do not allow your dad to believe less of yourself. You are strong hard working woman. you’ve worked very hard to make this wedding happen and therefore don’t allow anyone to take that away from you. I would say don’t ask your dad to walk you down the aisle coz its obvious he doesn’t think your wedding is important to him, so why bother at all. After the wedding you can speak to him about how you feel towards his attitude regarding education. Believe me, there’s nothing that raise hell and fury like weddings and funerals in the family. All issues that were buried, will definately surface during wedding preparations. sometimes it’s not about you who is getting married, but just a reflection of how dysfunctional a family might be at that point, or just plain issues that needed to be sorted out.

 

All the best, and enjoy your wedding day, you deserve it!

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