Post # 1
Member
38 posts
Newbee
I hesitate to call her a friend, since we aren’t very close. She is my fiance’s best friend’s wife. I see her regularly and get along with her okay. She is not a bad person. However, she has very strong feelings about marriage and the “way it should be,” which has caused her to make comments that piss me off. The most recent comment was that my fiance and I aren’t really eloping, we’re just saying we are so that we don’t have to invite anyone.
WTF do you say to that? I was so angry that I did not say anything. We left shortly after that.
And that was not the first time she had made unsupportive comments. When we first told my fiance’s friends that we might not have a wedding because we’d rather just elope, she got really mad and started ranting about how she didn’t do that for HER wedding, she still planned her wedding, blah blah. Keep in mind that we hadn’t set a date, sent out invitations, or chosen a best man/maid of honor. Nothing like that. We weren’t screwing anybody over. AND my own brother gave me his blessing when I spoke to him about a possible elopement. So I don’t know why she is acting so insulted when she isn’t very close to either one of us. And even if we were closer… well, shouldn’t she act more supportive? It’s not exactly unusual anymore for people to skip the big, elaborate wedding.
We no longer discuss wedding/elopement stuff when she’s in the room. It WILL come up at some point, though, since we’re planning to get married this year. I am seriously worried that I will explode if she gives me more attitude. And, honestly, I’m a little worried that I might make her cry. She is very sensitive, so much so that she used to cry when people called her out on stuff. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told. I’ve also been told that I’m scary when I’m angry. Sooo, not a good combination!!
Any advice?
Post # 2
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
Don’t tell her any more until after you elope. There’s no reason for her to know, especially if she’s going to be judgmental about it.
Post # 3
Member
5476 posts
Bee Keeper
Well she is right, if you are telling everyone years in advance then it isn’t an elopement.
I guess I don’t understand why you are jumping to making her cry? It sounds like you might just be taking things wrongly, why would you be scary and “call her out”?
Why did you interpret her reaction as her being “mad” when you said you were eloping if you aren’t even close?
Post # 4
Bee
328 posts
Helper bee
Even if you are getting married this year, I don’t see why you even have to bring it up in her presence. Is she constantly around? I agree with PP–no words about it until after you’re married, then just a simple “we got married.”
It sounds like some of her comments have been coming off as insensitive/judgey (though she’s technically right about it not being an elopement), have you not just simply said, “Hey, I actually don’t appreciate that comment” or even just “Eh, this is how we’ve decided to do things. Who wants more pie?”
Post # 5
Member
8409 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
We no longer discuss wedding/elopement stuff when she’s in the room.
Good. It’s rude to talk about events that people aren’t invited to in front of them.
It WILL come up at some point, though, since we’re planning to get married this year
Nope. You don’t have to talk about anything. Eloping is not supposed to be blasted all over social media and rubbing peoples faces in the fact you are excluding them. Just go, elope, and tell people “hey! Were married! Yay!”
Post # 6
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
Technically isnt an elopement when you get married without telling anyone? She would be right then.
This is so not worth getting upset about. Just dont bring it up again.
Post # 7
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME
Honestly, nothing she said that you described was that judgey. So she brought up her wedding after you started talking about yours. Do you know who else does that? Just about everyone else who’s been married.
If it really bothers you that much, just don’t discuss it with her. It sounds like you’re doing a very small, no-frills wedding anyways, so I don’t know why it would have to come up when you see them.
Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee
zzar45 : The term elopement doesn’t mean the same thing that it used to years and years ago. If terminology is really that important, then you can call it a “modern elopement” or “faux elopement.” Take a look at offbeatbride.com if you don’t believe me, or do a google search on modern elopements.
I interpreted her reaction as mad because I’ve been around her enough to know how she acts when she is mad. I don’t need to be close to someone to recognize when they are angry.
jellybellynelly I’m not sure where you comments about “social media” are coming from. Sounds like you’re sore about something that has nothing to do with my post.
chelbell23 : Thank you. My fiance keeps wanting to tell them stuff. I’ll encourage him to not say anything else.
Post # 9
Member
38 posts
Newbee
co_katherine : It wasn’t what she said so much as the way she said it. And I left out some of the comments she made… about how a wedding “is supposed to be a big event that brings everyone together” because “that’s the way it SHOULD be.” And how she doesn’t understand why people have to have private events and not invite people. So, yeah. That sounds pretty judgy to me.
It comes up when they ask about it. We’ve decided to just change the subject if it comes up again.
Post # 10
Member
5476 posts
Bee Keeper
But what is she angry about? I just don’t get why you are assuming she is angry because you aren’t having a wedding.
Faux elopement doesn’t even make sense, it’s a private ceremony not an elopement. The meaning of the word hasn’t changed.
browncoat :
Post # 11
Bee
328 posts
Helper bee
browncoat : I didn’t say anything about social media in my post?
Post # 12
Member
38 posts
Newbee
zzar45 : We will have to agree to disagree about the term “elopement.” The term “faux elopement” may not make sense to you, and that’s fine. I don’t use it personally. I’m just pointing out to you that the term exists.
What makes you think I’m assuming she’s angry? Why do you assume that I’m assuming?
Post # 14
Member
5476 posts
Bee Keeper
“What makes you think I’m assuming she’s angry? Why do you assume that I’m assuming?“
Probably when you said so? You said yourself you interpreted her actions as her being angry.
”I interpreted her reaction as mad because I’ve been around her enough to know how she acts when she is mad. I don’t need to be close to someone to recognize when they are angry.“
browncoat :
Post # 15
Member
7808 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Unless you are speaking to the small percentage of the population who understand elopement as it is understood on offbeatbride or the even smaller group of people who won’t raise their eyebrows at “faux elope” you should probably just call it a private wedding or say you will be marrying privately. And not talk about it in front of her, at all. As you said, she’s not really your friend and doesn’t need to be in the loop about anything.