Unsupportive Friend

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’ll echo the PPs.  Talking about an event other people aren’t invited to is rude.  You’re inviting a conversation topic that you don’t actually want their opinion on.

When you were describing your wedding plans, did you throw any shade toward traditional weddings?  I’m only asking because I can’t see how a plus-one would take your wedding plans personally unless your comments were along the lines of “we don’t want to waste money”, “weddings are all boring”, “we want to make it a special event not a show”, “why spend $$$ when we can buy a house” etc.  Some folks who forego modern-traditional weddings say those kinds of things when they describe their plans without realizing it might be insulting to the person they’re talking to. 

I don’t think the elopment comment was out of line.  The term elope  for most people still means “to run away secretly with the intention of getting married usually without parental consent”.  Private ceremony is probably more accurate, but call you can call anything whatever you want. 


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Post # 32
2855 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I think it’s absolutely bizarre that she’s taking your wedding plans to heart so much. It doesn’t even sound like you two are very close friends.. I could understand her feelings being hurt if she was your sister or best friend since childhood, but even then it wouldn’t really be personal if you weren’t inviting anyone. 

That said, since she’s not really your good friend it’s not really her job to be supportive. Just don’t mention the wedding around them. 

Post # 33
779 posts
Busy bee

I would be happy for the people who were getting married, and I don’t need an invite to their wedding specifically for that…but then, I don’t particularly LOVE going to weddings, so maybe it’s just me here. 

Post # 34
3515 posts
Sugar bee

Elope: to run away secretly in order to get married, especially without parental consent. (This is from the dictionary)

Private wedding is an accurate description of what you’re planning and it’s perfectly fine. Your friend is being ridiculous and dramatic. Don’t say anything to anyone until you’re married. Since you’re not inviting anyone talking about your plans could be construed as a bit rude. 

Post # 35
94 posts
Worker bee

strawberrysakura, beeinabearsuit: Not just you! I too am somewhat appalled by the idea that one’s nearest and dearest (I use this term loosely) can’t be happy for an engaged couple unless they receive an invitation to gawk at them/an open bar and free food. But that’s a different topic, I guess.

As is the “correct” use of the word elope, which, if we’re going by Merriam Webster standards, most of the posters on this site are using incorrectly. Actual elopements (as in with threats of death by family members and brides locked in towers and all that shit) happen very seldom in this day and age (at least I hope). My great aunt actually eloped at age sixteen, like, through her bedroom window, with another sixteen-year-old, but that was in rural Texas in the 1930s and there were religious and class differences, so…..

browncoat: This “friend” seems most concerned with the fact that you are choosing not to do something that she personally did choose to do. I do believe that this is what intolerance looks like. Or maybe intolerance-lite? I don’t know. Anyway, it’s not good, and I can understand why you’re irritated by her response. She sounds like she has some major insecurities about her own choices, which is SO not your problem, although she seems to be deperately trying to make it your problem. It would be one thing if you were sharing the details of your huge, lavish black tie affair and followed it up with “Oh, and by the by, everyone in the family is invited BUT YOU.” You shouldn’t get that kind of flak for sharing the details of your private ceremony (I agree that this term is probably more accurate), to which NO ONE is actually invited. If I were you I’d get myself as far away from her nay-saying energy as possible. Marriage is first and foremost an individual and private thing between two people, getting anyone else involved is entirely your call. Enjoy YOUR wedding the way YOU want to. Fuck whatever anyone thinks it SHOULD be (weird sentence).

And please tell me that your username is a Firefly reference…..:)

Post # 37
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I know, it’s weird isn’t it, the idea of an ‘elopement package for up to 20 people lol! 

It is all just marketing tho, and the word elopement has been hijacked and made to sound sexy in some way. It doesn’t actually change the meaning of the word, it just means some people start using it wrongly . I think you are wise to drop it – and other frankly mad terms like ‘faux elopement’. Stick to the dignified and accurate term private wedding. 

And nothing at all in front of her. If she brings it up, yes indeed say something like ‘this is how fi and are doing  it fsil’ , then change the subject in an obvious fashion.  

browncoat :  

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