(Closed) Unsupportive selfish sister and mother in law to be

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I’m afraid I don’t quite understand about your sister… she went to the justice of the peace to get engaged?  I’m also not quite sure what that has to do with your wedding…  With the dress thing, tell her matter-of-factly that the dress needs to be ordered by such and such a date, and if she is unable to do it, have her let you know and just simply order it for her. 

 As for your Future Mother-In-Law, have you given her specific duties?  I know that my own mother wasn’t helpful until I said, "Mom, will you do Task A, B and C?".  I think that she was slightly ridiculous in saying that she wouldn’t attend the wedding… what does your Fiance have to say about that?  Sometimes, it’s easier to pass the buck the the family members… 🙂

I think that often times we think that people know what they are to do and realize how important it is to us, but they actually don’t.  Maybe clairify that with your family?


Post # 4
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, if your sister has not ordered her dress- you should consider a stand in.  She obviously is very busy living her own life, and isn’t concerned about the dress.  I would call her one last time and tell her politely, if she doesn’t take care of her dress within a two week period  explain you would like to fill the spot with someone else.  Give her two weeks, if there’s no dress at the end of two weeks, she can attend as a guest.

  I wouldn’t worry about her engagement- it has nothing to do with your wedding and if it has been announced- what are you going to do about it now?

 If you don’t have the money to put on a wedding in June, it may be a great idea to push back the date.  You cant have a wedding without the funds.  Sit down with your inlaws/parents and see if they will contribute financially, if they won’t- I suggest waiting and saving. After you figure this out, sit down with your mother in law and mother and tell them what you would like help with and if they are able to still help.  If they say no, well you can’t force them.  If your mother in law is only worried about the church part of the wedding, I would explain to her that you are/are not getting in married in a church so she can put her mind at ease/ try to rise above your decision and attend.



Post # 5
2640 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like you aren’t feeling the support you want.  And your sister does appear to be preoccupied in her own life.

Why were you set on Dec. ’08, but if you pushed the date to June ’09, there was a stipulation that Future Mother-In-Law would help??  I would think with the later date, you might require less help.  Were you talking money?    Was it something she agreed to?  I was just a bit confused there.  Also, if you have a lot of people from Out of Town, I think it was wise to not have your weddign in Dec.

I can’t blame you for being disappointed in your sister.  While she should be able to enjoy her own happiness and engagement, being your Maid/Matron of Honor, I think she should be showing more support for yours.  At the very least, ordering her dress.  (With regards to the ring… 6 carats???? Is it me or is that nuts?  I do agree it is a bit weird that she is buying her own, particularyl that mom is helping her pay for it.  Are you feeling jealous that mom offered to do that? -But I guess that stuff is beside the point.)

I don’t know that it is really that terrible that she announced her engagement in February.  I’m a but surprised the family came down that hard on her.  It’s not like she got engaged at your RH or wedding reception.  She got engaged 4 months before your wedding.  What I think was wrong was the way she announced it.  However, that might have been a result of the reaction of your family.

I think you should just sit down with your sister and explain what you need from her and when.  If she is unable or willing to do it, you’ll need to move on.  Offer her your support and congrats for her engagement too.  I’m sorry she’s le you down.  Maybe she just needs a reminder about giving you more support.  Good luck.

Post # 6
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I can understand why your sister may not have told you guys that she is engaged yet- especially if she plans on it being a long engagement- there is not much of a point then until you actually get into the wedding planning. When it comes to the dress she just may be a procrastinator like most people- scare her into getting it sooner rather than later by telling her they are getting rid of the style (but if she is really self centered then she may like the opportunity to not buy it and be the only one wearing a different dress)

Your mother in law seems like a pain though- but I get the whole wedding around the holidays thing even though I’m doing it. As for her "not being there"- you are doing to much to appease her. It’s your wedding. At some point you need to just be like "so be it" and have your Fiance deal with her- chances are she just wants it done her way but she wont miss her son getting married if it really came down to it

Post # 7
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m confused about your last line: "What should I do? I don’t have the money to put this wedding on in June." Were you expecting money from your relatives that you did not get? If you’ve been engaged since 2007 why have wedding finances not been an issue until now? I would try to scale down your plans rather than postpone again. I mean, I think you should be getting married to get married, not because you want an excuse for a big wedding.

As for you Future Mother-In-Law, she sounds like she’s full of hot air. She’ll make demands and then not follow through, instead coming up with new demands in their places. I would not try to plan around her anymore. Unless you ask her to do very specific things, don’t count on her help.

As for your sister getting engaged before your wedding, well, people’s lives don’t stop just because you are getting married. And if everyone knows about your engagement, then you are engaged, even if the would-be groom hasn’t gotten down on one knee yet. Delaying the announcement is just smoke and mirrors, IMO. Maybe she didn’t call because she thought you all would disapprove (since you had already said as much that it was inappropriate for her to get engaged then)? Also, she may not have had control over when her fiance asked her.

As for her and the dress, I agree with maureen that you should give her a timeline with some consequences—like she attend as a guest, or she participate as a reader, etc. Or, buy the dress (any dress) yourself.  It stinks but it may be the best course of action. Good luck.

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