(Closed) Unsure…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just from the above post, I would say that I cannot make that call. The fact that you are so worried and unsure means that you might want to seek some sort of counseling for a sounding board to help iron out your feelings.

Are you excited about your married life with him? If not, I would definitely seek further guidance on this.

Post # 4
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I definitely think you should get some counseling before marrying this man… You don’t want to live the rest of your life feeling like this do you?

Post # 5
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Counseling is ALWAYS good… b/c it sounds to me you’re just now starting to really accept thinking and talking about things that really hold a marriage together OR tears one apart.

I would be very concerned about his inability to talk financial issues out maturely… I mean getting married means that at some point you two TOGETHER (since your finances will be merged) have to figure out a plan to take care of that… which is okay, so long you two/he can actually do that.

A good rule of thumb is if you’re not okay with something in a marriage… then you shouldn’t accept it in a dating relationship… generally someone doesn’t “change” to become better after the I Do’s

Definitely get an outside 2nd opinion aside from yours or his… counseling it is…

Post # 6
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would suggest couples counseling as well – something where a third party helps you both discuss issues.  Some of your concerns are valid, and you should be able to talk about them without having it result in a fight.

Post # 7
Member
14444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

On your specific issues..

1.  I dont love my job, most days I hate it.  I just hate the fact that I have to get up and work.  But no, I’m not doing anything about it.  The industry to me is all the same, this company or that, I’ll be doing the same thing, if I *have* to do something, I might as well stay where I am and be secure.  I also dont have the option to “start over” at a lower paying job to find something I love.  Is his situation similar? 

2.  That is a huge red flag to me.  The fact that he has that much debt (and I assume that you dont) meaning that you two have a very different approach to money.  Even worse is that trying to discuss money leads to huge fights.  This is bad news and should be settled before the money.  Not necessarily how to fix the debt, but how to TALK about it. 

3.  Another big disconnect here.  But, even if he is not be interested, is he willing to entertain the idea and travel with you? Are you ok being excited with travel and him just following along and not caring?  Or not even going?  This is not going to change in marriage, but there can be a compromise.

4.  Maybe this is related to the other issues?

 

Post # 8
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

None of us know you or your FH, so it’s impossibly for us to tell you what to do. However, this is a pretty extensive list of doubts here. I highly suggest you consider couples counseling to deal with these issues before tying the knot. 

Your wedding date is quickly approaching, as well. If you are having these doubts, I highly suggest prolonging the engagement. My cousin has been having similar doubts and they have postponed the wedding; it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. She simply told people work is busy and they want to make sure they have the time to plan out their dream wedding. But please don’t get married without resolving these issues first or you’re in for trouble down the road…

Post # 10
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I heard somewhere that money problems account for the reason for most divorces. With that said, it seems like the biggest red flag on your list.

You should be able to discuss finances, debts, etc. without it becoming an argument, since you will basically be in it together for the rest of your life and you assume eachothers debts as a team. 

This is a topic you can not skimp on because it will affect everything in your coming life together, from a new house to babies (should you choose to have them), to your future children’s college education.

As far as sex goes, since there is so little time left before your wedding, it seems like more than anything, you are stressed. The easiest way to deal with not being “aroused”, and I don’t know if you’re not aroused by him or aroused in general, is to have a glass (or a few) of wine and just do the damn thing. Having sex makes you want more sex. If you are still disgusted and can’t bring yourself to do anything, that might be more than stress. But it also depends on a few other factors, such as if you are on a new medication, what your workload has been like, etc., etc.

Adventure can be had in many ways and that doesn’t have to require moving across the country to new and foreign places. Maybe he is close to family and doesn’t want to leave? I don’t think I could ever move since I have such a strong core here.

Not everyone loves their job, but he should be able to cope with different hobbies, etc. to keep happy. If he wallows in misery most of the day, that might be a problem and in that case, he should continue at his job while looking for something that might be more fulfilling.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Are you willing to postpone the wedding? Your issues are not small, and they are likely to get bigger once you are married. If I were you, I would buy some time to work with your Fiance on the issues that are causing stress between you.

If he is not willing and able to have a constructive conversation about how you will work together to eliminate debt and establish shared financial goals, and maybe even attend counseling (financial counseling, couples counseling, whatever it takes) to start your marriage on the right foot, then I would say HE is the one not ready to be married.

Bottom line: Don’t walk down the aisle until you are 110% sure you want to live the rest of your life with this man, including accepting whatever compromise may be necessary on your end (e.g., always being the one to plan travel, not moving anywhere).

Post # 13
Member
14444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

complacency in a situation like a job that has such a grip on you, as long as you’re not down right miserable, to me, is acceptable. Maybe I only say that b/c I am in those shoes. But on the flip side of it, say you do try to find a job you love, and start over with less pay.. less pay leads to a tighter budget or more debt… I would rather put up with a so-so job than the stress of not making enough.

About the debt, if he feels horrible about it, I’m sorry, but he needs to get over it and work with you on how to get out of it, especially if you are willing to help!! Obviously saying it like that wont help, but that is basically what I’d want to say to him. Theres no point in getting angry about it and not talkign about it just because he feels bad…. that doesnt help his sitation. Can you get a spreadsheet or a plan to work on together to do some calculations? If you google debt reduction plan in excel theres a bunch of good ones where you can just enter your income/debt, method you want to reduce it, etc. Maybe with a reasonable method to work it out and an end in sight, he will start to feel better about it.

Post # 15
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Beelady1845: To answer your last question, YES, this is a glimpse into married life! Dealing with finances is a MAJOR factor in a marriage, and the leading cause of problems and even divorce. Again, if he isn’t willing to be forthcoming with you, face the reality of the situation and create a plan that you can work on together, he is not ready to be married. Please consider postponing long enough to get some counseling before proceeding with your wedding!

Post # 16
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

obviously don’t want to influence you too much one way or another, and like the others would suggest counselling, but IMO you should postpone a wedding if you have major doubts- you can always marry later if they become resolved and feel you can be happily committed to each other. my cousin pulled out of her wedding a couple of months  before and everybody supported her, although we were sad because we loved her Fiance because she felt it was necessary at the time. if you feel like you want to postpone or even cancel the wedding please dont feel pressurised to go through with it because you’ve put time/money into it, or worrying what friends and family will feel.

 

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