Unsure about going ahead with my engagement / wedding

posted 3 months ago in Wedding Related
Post # 2
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

It’s a huge red flag imo if he/his family wants to completely exclude your family. Stand up for yourself and your family! What is the rush to get married? Are you even engaged yet? Only a few months ago you said you were expecting a ring in the summer?

Post # 3
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a bit confused.  At the beginning, you mention your culture (are you Pakistani?) customarily meeting each other when you get engaged, and the groom’s father proposing to the bride’s father.  Are these things important to you?  Would not having them take place upset your family (or his) to the point that there would be irreparable damage to the family relationships?  You live in a Western country, and since major decisions in Western countries are made by the couple, there is a conflict of views.  If you could provide more detail on your culture, that would be great.

However, regardless of what your culture is, I would suggest you postpone your wedding until it is safe to have everybody you want in attendance.  You say you don’t want to wait any longer, but is there a compelling reason to get married very soon?  A lot of things in life have been delayed by COVID, including weddings.

Post # 4
Member
4870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  so let me get this right….you want him to get on a plane and visit a country that is in midst of a serious covid outbreak to meet your family and now that he won’t logically and intelligently put his health at risk to do so, you are upset at him? Jeepers OP, you’d think you would care enough about someone you love enough to not want them to put their health at risk and hop on a flying petri dish for something that can be worked around in a safe manner or delayed. I get covid has put a spanner in the works and that our new world and  the way we have to live poses challenges but to be upset at your fiance for making a intelligent choice regarding not flying into a red zone seems a bit extreme!? If I was him, I’d  be upset at you (and questioning if you are my right person) for not being reasonable and expecting me to fly into a red zone and putting my health at risk.

It sounds like you dont really care sbout him and all you really want is to be married to someone and to have a party irrespective of how not possible it is at the moment. Even for your family in Pakistan, you are putting them at risk too by having him visit after being on an international flight where it’s very hard to mitigate risk factors like social distancing, air quality etc. Is  traditions and customs really worth risking  someones health in your mind? I’d normally say and agree that decisions about the wedding should be made by the couple only without the interference of parents etc but in this case I really think you are being hugely unreasonable to expect him to put his health at risk and I’m glad he has some logical thought processes because you need at least one person in a relationship to be that way. 🙄

  • This reply was modified 3 months ago by cmsgirl.
Post # 5
Member
13549 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  “I don’t want to delay our wedding any further but at the same time I am massively frustrated that my basic needs are being dismissed in the name of COVID.”

You say Covid is violating your basic needs? Seriously? I’d say your basic needs should be not to want your SO or family members at home to, you know, die.

The issue is whether or not your SO is actually dictating that there be no further postponement over your objections and I’m not clear that this is even the case. If having your family there is this important, and I can understand that it is, is there a reason you can’t wait a little longer to be married? 

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

Don’t ask anyone to risk their health for your wedding. We canceled our small wedding in March of last year so my family and my now-husband’s family would not risk their health to travel to us for our wedding, and we eloped instead. It was the responsible and considerate thing for us to do, no matter how hard it was. COVID has changed a lot of things, but weddings are kind of a first world problem. What’s the rush?

You’re downplaying the seriousness of getting on a plane right now just so you can have a pretty princess party, and I think you need to reflect on that. 

Post # 7
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Travel to Pakistan is definitely unwise at this time. Have you considered alternatives? Meeting them via video? Livestreaming your wedding? Postponing your wedding? You can’t have it both ways- an ASAP wedding with your families having met beforehand.

Are you upset that your FH won’t travel to Pakistan, or are you upset that he doesn’t give a shit and can’t be bothered with the alternatives? Are you upset that his mother is too domineering? Have you suggested video meets? Did he dismiss them? Have you accepted that travel to Pakistan at this time is unsafe?

Covid is a reality. Your FH is correct in that you have to adapt. But there are many ways to adapt. 

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  I’m Pakistani so I understand the cultural context here completely. It’s a huge red flag that he or his family want to proceed without your families meeting. I get that it’s covid but I would not move forward without your parents meeting his. Your famiy needs to meet him (at the very least) just so they can have reassurance that your boyfriend and his family are good people and they feel comfortable about you marrying into this family. Of course you can introduce them via video but it won’t be the same. 

it sounds like you want your boyfriend to take the lead and come up with a plan. It’s important your families meet, unless you’d be fine marrying him without them meeting. But if that’s important to you, then you need to discuss other locations where the two families could reasonably get together. I don’t think you should just wait for him to come up with the plan, especially since you’re already on a timeline due to age and potential fertility issues. If the mother then comes up with an excuse and doesn’t want to meet in a third location, you definitely have a problem.

Post # 12
Member
13549 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Including some of those details in your OP would have been more helpful. The simple answer is to think carefully about your future. Don’t marry someone who wants to dictate and control your life. 

“We cannot live together until we are married or start a family, and I have gynaecological complications which is why we only have 3-5 more years to have children.”

I thought you already live together due to Covid?

Post # 13
Member
10388 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  

Your latest update leaves me completely bemused as to why you would even consider marrying a man ( and his family)  who clearly regard you and your family’s wishes as so utterly unimportant . You sound angry and resentful and you have every reason to feel that way. Your language and expression sound untraditional and straightforwardly and reasonably self focussed, you are already living together, so why are you enmeshing yourself in these traditional patriarchal practices at all? 
A few months ago you were posting about all the love and support he gives you – not any more it seems. 

  • This reply was modified 3 months ago by elderberry.
Post # 14
Member
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If someone isn’t willing to accommodate your needs at all and expects you to compromise 100%, what kind of relationship is that? If him and his family are going to dictate all our of our life’s major decisions to me – what kind of relationship is that? 

It’s not a relationship I would want. When people show you who they are–believe them. If you marry him this will be your life. You have some decisions to make. 

Post # 15
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  if you had led with this, you would have gotten very different answers. What absolute hell. Don’t marry him. Don’t have a family with him. Run. Ditch this self centered mama’s boy and his domineering family. Do you really want to have a baby in this dynamic? A baby would give them another means to control and entangle you 

Don’t stick around just because you’re worried about your fertility. 

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