Post # 16
“There are a lot of countries on the green list and amber list where we can find a middle ground to meet but he has not made the effort to find a solution.”
Is this something that you brought up as a suggestion and he turned down? Regardless of the reason Pakistan is on the red list, I don’t blame him for not wanting to or being unable (work?) to do the mandatory self-funded hotel quarantine when returning from a red list country as test to release isn’t an option.
Edit: I’m looking at where you could possibly go for a green list middle ground visit and it’s slim pickings tbh… Australia and NZ won’t let anyone in still, Singapore requires 3 weeks quarantine in their own facilities. You could do Iceland if your parents are fully vaccinated?
Post # 17
It doesnt even sound like you like him or his family? Are you that desperate for children you would marry someone you dont even like? Bee, please rethink this plan. You dont sound excited AT ALL about your future with him!
Post # 18
I mean I do get why you can’t go to Pakistan. Even if you think it’s a political decision you are not allowed to go so hence you are not going. That is not unreasonable. Has he done a video call with them?!
However clearly involving your family is extremely important and as such it may mean the wedding shoud be delayed until such as a time as they can be there. As for the other list of things he has ‘decided’ I’d help him undecide and sod off. It all sounds horrible.
Post # 19
Have you actually sat down and discussed how you see your marriage and what parts of Pakistani and Western culture you will adopt in your marriage and potentially in parenthood?
Looking at the way your fiance is making all the decisions (and seems to be making them based on what is best for him and his parents, rather than what is best for you and him as a couple), I’m wondering if cultural differences are causing the problem. You seem to be very comfortable with having more of a Western style relationship, whereas he seems to be expecting you to be a more traditional wife.
Please have some serious in depth discussions before you go ahead with marrying this man. I can understand the pressure to settle down and have children, but you will be far happier staying single or getting married later and staying childless than you will having children with a man who wants to control and limit your life in this way.
Post # 20
we lived together undercover for about 6 months last year in full lockdown. I have always kept a separate apartment and snuck around using the back entrance to his place because we didn’t want either set of parents knowing about it. It’s a cultural no-no to live together before you’re married.
we have done one or two video calls with my family yes.
Update: we have had a brief conversation and he’s acknowledged that it is extremely important to have my parents involved in the process, and I have acknowledged that if he feels Pakistan is too risky we should try and meet somewhere else. However, he has not committed to making it happen because he needs to “be sensitive to his parents concerns”.
Things were genuinely great all of last year when it was just the two of us, but involving families has complicated the situation a lot. He feels like he has to listen to them because he’s the son. I feel like a boundaries / expectations conversation in person is way overdue. Thank you all for suggesting this – I definitely have more of a western idea of what a marriage should be like and I’d assumed he did too. It needs to be brought out in the open and discussed.
If he comes back with a no on trying to meet somewhere neutral because his parents arent comfortable with him going, then I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. If we can’t enforce boundaries with his parents and make decisions independently for ourselves then it’s just not going to work for me.
thank you all for your posts, opinions and support! <3
Post # 21
I feel like all of the problems boil down to this statement: “I’m upset that he can’t give a shit and isn’t trying to make an effort to find alternatives.” That’s what you two need to work to resolve, before you move forward with any engagement or future plans. Marriages with poor communication fail. Fix this now, or accept that you’re looking at a lifetime of this treatment.
Post # 22
Never mind the current problem about meeting your family, how is him deciding exactly where you live the rest of your lives not already a deal beaker? A 2 bedroom flat, in the same building as his parents, for the rest of your marriage?! That’s absurd. Him even thinking this is a good idea is a red flag.
Regardless of how great things are when it’s just the two of you in lockdown, it doesn’t look like you’re compatible in the real world. Consider freezing your eggs to take the fertility pressure off when finding a more compatible partner. Check out hfea.gov.uk for more information, the Zita West Clinic and the Lister are just two of the many outstanding options available in London.
Post # 23
I think it’s worth bearing in mind that, while you both may have a ‘mix’ of Pakistani & Western culture in your backgrounds, you are both going to ‘default’ to different cultural backgrounds. We have a natural tendency to go down the route that offers least resistance to what we want – for you, that is likely to be Western culture, with the increased opportunities and freedom for women, for him, it is like to be Pakistani culture, because he gets to decide what happens and you just tag along.
So you need to have a very clear understanding from the start as to where your ‘meeting place’ will be between the two cultures. Don’t make assumptions about ANY aspect of life together, because you will likely find that each of you will make totally opposite assumptions about it! I would really recommend that you work through some kind of marriage preparation material before making any wedding plans – having scheduled discussions on things like finance, career, housing, childcare etc should help you spot areas where you have differing expectations, and hopefully enable you to come to a healthy compromise.
And if you can’t compromise, you are 100% better off going your separate ways. If he wants a ‘traditional’ wife and you don’t want to be one, you are going to be far better either staying single or marrying other people.