Unsure about going ahead with my engagement / wedding

posted 3 months ago in Wedding Related
Post # 16
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

“There are a lot of countries on the green list and amber list where we can find a middle ground to meet but he has not made the effort to find a solution.”

 

Is this something that you brought up as a suggestion and he turned down? Regardless of the reason Pakistan is on the red list, I don’t blame him for not wanting to or being unable (work?) to do the mandatory self-funded hotel quarantine when returning from a red list country as test to release isn’t an option.

Edit: I’m looking at where you could possibly go for a green list middle ground visit and it’s slim pickings tbh… Australia and NZ won’t let anyone in still, Singapore requires 3 weeks quarantine in their own facilities. You could do Iceland if your parents are fully vaccinated?

Post # 17
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

It doesnt even sound like you like him or his family? Are you that desperate for children you would marry someone you dont even like? Bee, please rethink this plan. You dont sound excited AT ALL about your future with him!

Post # 18
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Sounds awful 

I mean I do get why you can’t go to Pakistan. Even if you think it’s a political decision you are not allowed to go so hence you are not going. That is not unreasonable. Has he done a video call with them?! 

However clearly involving your family is extremely important and as such it may mean the wedding shoud be delayed until such as a time as they can be there. As for the other list of things he has ‘decided’ I’d help him undecide and sod off. It all sounds horrible. 

 

Post # 19
Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you actually sat down and discussed how you see your marriage and what parts of Pakistani and Western culture you will adopt in your marriage and potentially in parenthood?

Looking at the way your fiance is making all the decisions (and seems to be making them based on what is best for him and his parents, rather than what is best for you and him as a couple), I’m wondering if cultural differences are causing the problem.  You seem to be very comfortable with having more of a Western style relationship, whereas he seems to be expecting you to be a more traditional wife.

Please have some serious in depth discussions before you go ahead with marrying this man.  I can understand the pressure to settle down and have children, but you will be far happier staying single or getting married later and staying childless than you will having children with a man who wants to control and limit your life in this way.

Post # 21
Member
44 posts
Newbee

I feel like all of the problems boil down to this statement: “I’m upset that he can’t give a shit and isn’t trying to make an effort to find alternatives.” That’s what you two need to work to resolve, before you move forward with any engagement or future plans. Marriages with poor communication fail. Fix this now, or accept that you’re looking at a lifetime of this treatment. 

Post # 22
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  Never mind the current problem about meeting your family, how is him deciding exactly where you live the rest of your lives not already a deal beaker? A 2 bedroom flat, in the same building as his parents, for the rest of your marriage?! That’s absurd. Him even thinking this is a good idea is a red flag.

Regardless of how great things are when it’s just the two of you in lockdown, it doesn’t look like you’re compatible in the real world. Consider freezing your eggs to take the fertility pressure off when finding a more compatible partner. Check out hfea.gov.uk for more information, the Zita West Clinic and the Lister are just two of the many outstanding options available in London.

Post # 23
Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@buzzybee101:  I think it’s worth bearing in mind that, while you both may have a ‘mix’ of Pakistani & Western culture in your backgrounds, you are both going to ‘default’ to different cultural backgrounds.  We have a natural tendency to go down the route that offers least resistance to what we want – for you, that is likely to be Western culture, with the increased opportunities and freedom for women, for him, it is like to be Pakistani culture, because he gets to decide what happens and you just tag along.

So you need to have a very clear understanding from the start as to where your ‘meeting place’ will be between the two cultures.  Don’t make assumptions about ANY aspect of life together, because you will likely find that each of you will make totally opposite assumptions about it!  I would really recommend that you work through some kind of marriage preparation material before making any wedding plans – having scheduled discussions on things like finance, career, housing, childcare etc should help you spot areas where you have differing expectations, and hopefully enable you to come to a healthy compromise.

And if you can’t compromise, you are 100% better off going your separate ways.  If he wants a ‘traditional’ wife and you don’t want to be one, you are going to be far better either staying single or marrying other people.

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