(Closed) Unsure and Need Help

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s very common to feel anxiety or panic related to a big change, especially a highly anticipated one. The feeling you describe is one that I think happens more often than people are willing to admit, because it doesn’t sound super romantic. Even if it’s just for a fraction of a second. You’re not alone.

If you currently feel good about getting married, if you feel happy with him and in love, if you feel confident about the idea of spending the rest of your life with him, I think you should try to forget about that moment. 

When your body is aroused (not sexually I mean, just physically in general) all kinds of weird stuff happens. Your mind actually takes emotional cues from your body, so if you were tense and shaking, heart pounding, etc. you might have just had a crossed wire where for a minute, it got written as fear instead of excitement. It doesn’t mean doom for your relationship or that you don’t love him. It was just a really heated moment where you got confused. 

It may have been a powerful feeling, but sometimes we have powerful, sudden feelings that are sort of an accidental quirk and accepting them as an indication of some true reality would be a mistake, even though they seem so all-encompassing at the time.

Getting and being engaged can be incredibly stressful, and that stress often leads people down roads they would NEVER normally tread — they often foul up relationships with friends and family because of pressure and such.

If you still find yourself unsure, then you can give some credence to it, but if you haven’t felt that since, and have only been calmer and happy about the idea of marrying him, I think you can safely say it didn’t mean much. 

Post # 4
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@A_Fuller:  Perhaps, because you were waiting so long, you set up emotional walls to protect yourself. The anxiety of having to remove those walls could be causing the sense of panic. After all they were the one thing keeping you sane and happy. Now without them you feel vulnerable.

I would give it a little time. Try being happy in this new reality. If in 3 months you still feel panicked think about calling off the engagement (not relationship) for 3 months and seek professional help to sort things out. Maybe you aren’t ready for marriage. Maybe you need time to get used to the idea (you had 3 years to get used to not having it after all).

In anycase I wish you luck working through this and getting at what you want.

Post # 5
8139 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010


Very wise and well thought answer. You put it so well, I will just agree.

Post # 7
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@A_Fuller:  Sweetie, you can’t try to force yourself to be happy about something that clearly makes you panic. I feel for you becuase your situation sounds so tough!!! Maybe you feel like you “should” get married because you’ve been together so long and it’s the obligatory ‘next step’? You met at Univsersity, have you changed or realized you want different things now?

Listen to your heart. You should be pretty excited to be marrying someone and it sounds like you’re not.

Post # 9
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@A_Fuller:  Don’t beat yourself up.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  When you are presented with “Will you marry me?” it’s FREAKING SCARY!  It’s not asking for a pretty wedding day in a pretty dress.  He was asking you to commit the rest of your life to him.  That’s a big deal!

I can’t say I had the same reaction when my husband proposed, but it was terrifying.  And for weeks after the fact, I thought A LOT about it.  Once you realize it’s FOREVER, you’re bound to wonder.

I think if you’re feeling better about it now, you’re probably fine.  Do your premarital classes or couples counseling to really dive into the relationship to confirm this is right for you both.

And really – don’t sweat it.  You had a reaction, you were honest about it, and you’re reflecting on it now.  Give yourself a pat on the back!

Good luck!

Post # 10
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Sometimes we feel anxiety about big life changes, but that anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean that we are unhappy about the change. Being engaged is stressful. It causes you (and everyone else!) to suddenly think differently about your relationship. You may find yourself asking questions and debating all the different possible ways your life could go, or could have gone, and thinking about all the other prospects you had. 

It seems like there are a lot of what if? kind of questions floating around in your head, and you’re questioning if he is really the right one or whether you really want to get married. I think you have to listen to each of those questions and answer them to the best of your ability. It may help to keep a list. Once you have an outlet for the panic and you think everything through rationally, you may find yourself being happy with your decision again (or you might find reasons why you’re not ready to get married.)

Lastly, you have to forgive yourself for your reaction. It’s a huge life change that he himself admitted he wasn’t ready for for a long time. Now that he asked, the burden was on you to accept his proposal. That is a stressful moment, and people react to it in all sorts of ways. Have you seen the meme of the woman passing out? Forgive yourself for that reaction and don’t let it cloud your judgement. 

I’m happy that you are seeing a counselor about this. I think it will help you a lot.


Post # 11
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Seeing a counselor is the best thing right now, so it’s great that you’re doing that. Some people deal with life changes differently than others. It could be that you’re just having natural anxiety over a big life change, or it could be that you don’t actually want to marry this man. Either way, talking through your feelings will only bring you clarity.

Post # 12
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@A_Fuller:   I feel your intuition is trying to tell you something and you need to listen to it.

Post # 14
8139 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Your panic may be about fear of committment and little to do with your Fiance.  While you were waiting, you were safe because he wouldn’t commit.  Now that he has, you’re facing committment head on.  That may be what’s scary.  Up till now, it’s been you doing the chasing, which felt safer.

I’m glad you’re seeing a counselor, that should help.

I suspect engagement is the trigger for you because it’s so real,whereas marriage is still something of an abstract concept.



Post # 15
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@A_Fuller:  First off, don’t worry. I had EXACTLY the same feelings as you. I panicked so badly, and it was entirely because of the unprepared ‘status change’. It upset my FH that I was so wigged out, but at the same time he was pretty pragmatic and understanding about it. He’d had months to prepare for it and psych himself up, whereas it was just sprung on me! I swore at him, threatened to be sick, and just wanted to curl up in a little ball.

My proposal post is here:

Surprise Proposal – and the aftermath (pictures!)

Which also talks about my anxiety. The whole thing terrified me, but I had never wanted to leave my FH. I had never wanted to not marry him. I just had the wiggins.


And sometimes that’s all it is – a case of the wiggins. Women are always expected to be ecstatic and set for engagement, so the media says, and the men not so much, but that’s not true. It’s a big scary thing, and sometimes the wiggins is just the wiggins.

I found the internet pretty much all but useless for helping with my anxiety. I had to withdraw, assess myself, and then tackle it in the way I felt would work for me. In general it refuses to acknowledge that anxieties like this can exist, which can be all the more upsetting for people who are suffering from it! There’s nothing wrong with you, this is a totally normal thing to feel!


But I can’t bear the thought of leaving him either.

Then stop thinking about it as an option! You love him, you want to be together! You’re probably still feeling as bad as you are because you’re feeling guilty too. Take a moment – were you anxious because it was HIM proposing, or because it was him PROPOSING? If it’s the latter, then you need to just sit him down and emphasise that the panic was nothing to do with him and all to do with this sudden change that manages to change everything and nothing all at once.

I wonder if that’s part of the problem too. Engagement is by necessity a transient state, unstable and due to end sooner or later. Relationships and Marriages have no defined ending, and that’s comforting and stable. Being engaged means you’re being thrust into a definition that’s for a comparitively short period of time. Psychologically that can probably trigger a few wigginses (I have just made up a plural for wiggins).


Feel better soon, and maybe just take a couple of days out to not think about weddings, and think about yourself! I had to ban myself from pinterest for the first week or so, because I started feeling myself panicking every time!

Post # 16
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@A_Fuller:  Well I think you owe it to him to figure out if you want to be engaged or not.

If you do, I mean, you obviously don’t have to get married right away!  Try to enjoy your engagement & wedding planning!

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