- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2015
I could really use some advice, perhaps some of you have felt the same way and you could tell me what you did to resolve the situation.
First let me start my giving you some history. My Fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years. He is 32 and I am 26. We met at University, and have been together ever since. We have lived together for 4 years, and have been engaged for a month.
I have wanted to get engaged for about 3 years now, but my Fiance had always said that he wasn’t ready. We both take marriage very seriously, and he wanted to wait until the right time. It used to make me feel really bad when he said he wasn’t ready, and I started to get really down about it. I started going out more with friends, and trying to enjoy our life as it was. I liked the attention I got from other men, it was a boost to my confidence. Let me just say that I never would cheat, and never have the intention to either. Whenever I went out, I was more than happy to come home to my fiance. It was just nice to have attention from someone other than him after such a long time.
Anyway, for my birthday, my Fiance booked us a trip to Rome. My friends were all saying that he would propose, and a part of me hoped that he would. I tried not to think about it because I didn’t think he would actually do it, and I didn’t want to be disappointed.
The day before we were due to fly home, we went for a walk around the little side streets, just trying to relax before we came home. As we went into a small street where no one else was, I started to feel very anxious. My heart was pounding and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And then he was down on one knee and it was like everything was in slow motion. I couldn’t focus. All I kept thinking was that I didn’t want it. And part of me wonders whether I thought that I didn’t love him.
Anyway, once the panic subsided, I was able to think more clearly, and I said Yes. I said yes because I knew that it was what I had wanted before we went away.
When we got home, I spoke to my Fiance about how I was feeling, and he got very upset (understandably). It was extremely upsetting for both of us, especially as it had come out of the blue. I didn’t understand it myself, and I felt terrible as I knew I was hurting him. I went to stay with my parents to get some space and give myself some time to think.
I was there for 2 days. I cried a lot, I talked things over with my family. I also spoke to my fiance on the phone. I missed him dreadfully, and once I was away and could clear my head I knew that I did love him and wanted to come home. He said that was ok, and so that’s what I did. And I am glad I did come home.
But I still don’t feel 100%. I don’t think it is about whether I love him or not, because I do. He is a wonderful man, and he would make a wonderful father. I couldn’t imagine anyone better to spend the rest of my life with. So why am I so hesitant?
I feel like I can’t get past what happened because for me it was so completely unexplainable. It came from nowhere. If I could do anything, I would reverse time so that the last month hadn’t happened and I could go back to my life the way it was. I was happy before, and now I have constant inner turmoil and guilt because I haven’t established how I feel.
When I think about the wedding day, I feel fine about it. We have since spoken about the church we want to marry in, and that does not make me nervous. And when I think about being married to him, that feels fine too. It seems to be being ‘engaged’ that is causing the anxiety!
I know how I acted was wrong and I am not looking for criticism or anything like that. I just need to know how to get past this because I really want to be happy about this. I have also started seeing a counsellor so that I can try to talk this out.
Any advice would be appreciated.