- 5 years ago
I have been engaged since just before Christmas. We have been together for just under two years, and have lived together for one year. I am happy with him, love him, and thought I could see myself marrying him without a doubt…until after we actually got engaged. Since about February/March I have been constantly questioning things. I am a naturally anxious person, and an over-thinker, so I just attributed it to that. I enrolled in personal counseling, completed the “Conscious Transitions” e-course, and talked with my fiance about my feelings. But I just keep feeling worse. We have set a tentative wedding date, but have done no further planning since it is in 2016 after he graduates. Before we got engaged, we had of course discussed a future together, and our “vision”. We currently live in his home state, where I moved for a job and then met him…..it is about 4.5 hours away from my home state. It has always been very important to me to move back and live closer to my parents, as I am very close with my immediate and extended family. Before we got engaged, he was always very agreeable to this. In the last few months, he has said things like “I don’t really want to leave XXX state, what about my family, etc”. He is from a small town, and I am from a large city. We agreed to look at settling in one of the many smallish/medim sized towns around my parents as a compromise…now he says that he would be very unhappy and wishes to settle in a small town, or in the country. I have tried to be very understanding and compromising, but it is really not what I want. We also do not see eye-to-eye on religious views. I am Catholic, and he is atheist (I know, even typing that seems to send off alarm bells) He always identified as “agnostic/lapsed Catholic”, until… you guessed it…we got engaged and started talking about where to get married. Now he is afraid that I won’t accept his atheism. I don’t know where he got that, as I am very accepting of it and love him because of who he is and not his religion, but I have made it clear that being Catholic, I will raise my children Catholic and will be married in a Catholic church, which is necessary for my religion. He seems to be okay with this, which I appreciate, but he also thinks that children should be able to make up their own minds. I can somewhat agree with this, as I think children will do this anyway, no matter how you raise them. I do not pressure him to come to church with me, though he does occasionally because he likes the priest and the sermons, and the general atmosphere of the church. I worry that I will eventually feel “spiritually alone”, since he has said many times that he isn’t changing his views (and I would never ask him to). We have talked extensively about our differences and how to make it work….but I just feel very unsure about how it will actually play out.
Recently, I have been looking at graduate schools (I wrote a previous post about this). I have decided to go back next fall, so will need to be applying at the end of this year. He supported me in this and was very encouraging. I would like to attend school in my home state since it is a five year part time program and we were planning on moving back eventually, and to qualify for in-state tuition I need to move back to the state. We discussed this and agreed that I will start looking for jobs and if necessary, be long-distance for a year or so until he graduates and moves with me. Well, I applied for jobs, and got an interview for two weeks from now at a prestigious hospital, with a late September start date. All of a sudden, we are arguing about it again…he’s angry that I’m only considering schools in my home state, he feels like I am “trapping him” into moving. It just makes me very sad. I thought we were on the same page, and we really aren’t. I also feel bad for writing this and making him out to be the bad guy, because he definitely isn’t…we have a good relationship, have fun together, and love/respect eachother very much. But I’m beginning to think (okay, fine, not beginning…have thought) that we might not be as compatible for a future together as we both thought when we were just dating. It just breaks my heart. I never in a million years would have thought I’d be having these feelings of wanting to end the engagement, but I have a nagging feeling that it shouldn’t be this hard and that there is probably somebody out there who wants the same things I want. I’m also so mad at myself for being such an anxious mess for 5-6 months. I don’t really know what I was hoping for by writing this, maybe some insight or encouragement or just…..thoughts? Thanks.