Unsure of how to feel about new guy?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

rrowlan6 :  do you know his schedule or routine at all? 

Post # 4
Member
2862 posts
Sugar bee

From what I’ve heard, having a personal life in first year med school is damned near impossible. The hours are insane and the work is mentally and physically exhausting on top of it. Plus in the early dating stages you still have to be ON when you hang out, so it wouldn’t really count as down time for him. 

The question is – is that ok with you? Just because it’s not his fault, doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to give you what you need from a relationship. The hangouts may increase when he can share his down time with you, but he’s likely to be very preoccupied until he’s done med school (and possiby after depending on his specialty) 

(Hopefully some former med school students will be able to chime in with more direct experience as well, I’m just basing this off of what I’ve been told)

Post # 5
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

You had a conversation with him about your concerns and he thanked you for understanding because he has a busy schedule. It sounds like you could try having this conversation again – your concerns were clearly not allayed. Is there anything feasible and concrete that he could do that would make you feel more secure? If he is very busy, but also managing to take the time to text you daily and shows specific interest in your life, I would take that as a good sign.

However, a first year med student is nowhere near the end of this crazy hectic time. Are you prepared for starting a relationship with someone in that situation?

From what you have shared, my guess is that he is sincere but may not be the best bet for you at this point in time (I guess I also don’t know your age or what you’re looking for – that information would definitely influence my answer).

Post # 6
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It doesn’t matter if he’s an astronaut, the CEO of a Fortune 500 or a President.  HIS schedule isn’t the issue. Focus on whether you’re getting what you’re looking for.  He isn’t your husband.  It’s waaaay too early to start compromising on basics. 

8 dates is great! He sounds like fun! Enjoy!  However, don’t agree to be boyfriend/ girlfriend unless you’re getting what you want out of the situation.  

“Thanks for understanding” does not mean “I will do what it takes to earn you”.  If you think for a second that this guy wouldn’t figure out how to make plans in advance if that’s would it took for him to earn his dream girl, you are mistaken.  

He is a normal guy.  He has a normal schedule.  Being in medical school isn’t traveling to the moon.  The question is whether he’s willing to make seeing you a priority.

Post # 7
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

My best friend is an OBGYN in her 2nd year of residency. Let me tell you, med school and then residency are HELL for having a social life.

While she was in school, her life revolved around class, clinicals and studying. You have your boards you need to pass as well. It is extremely taxing and stressful. When she started her residency after med school – YIKES! I would text her and not hear back for weeks because of her crazy hectic schedule and how tired and exhausted she was.

You need to as yourself if this kind of schedule is something you can handle. It will only get worse as each year progresses.

Post # 9
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

rrowlan6 :  This may have nothing at all to do with how into you he is.

He may “want to want to,” if you know what I mean. But he’s just not able to at the moment, or he suspects that he’s not going to be able to sustain much of a relationship, so he’s keeping things low key.

He might be hoping you’ll be ok with that, but the thing is, are you?? It doesn’t matter how great a guy he is, if he’s not a great boyfriend, ie. if he doesn’t have the time to spend with you, you are probably not going to be happy here.

It’s perfectly reasonable to want time together in a relationship. You need that when you’ve just met. If you had been together 5 years or were married and he could only see you once a week or every week and a half because he was in first year med school, I’d encourage you to be a bit understanding. But you’ve just started dating. If the guy is not initiating and planning dates, you’ve got no momentum and it’s going to end up being unsatisfying. 

You’ve just met this guy – you don’t owe him your patience, your understanding or your exclusivity if he’s not putting the effort into your relationship.

Sorry, but that’s just how I see it.

Post # 10
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

rrowlan6 :  Medical school is legitimately difficult. Depending on his track, he may have a fellowship after his residency as well. So it’ll be a few years before his schedule calms down. If he’s worth the adjustment for you, go for it.

I would accept what he’s saying as genuine and just understand where he’s coming from. He has put a lot of time, effort, and money into his education and career and will continue to do so. He may be cautious because it’s the logical thing to do – wouldn’t you feel bad if he chose you over his responsibilities, and then didn’t make it through school?

It seems to me like he’s giving as much as he can. I don’t  think it’s a want issue, but an ability issue.

Post # 11
Hostess
3738 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

rrowlan6 :  One of my close friends is a medical student and she was barely a human at all her first year, so I think 8 dates in a month and a half is actually really impressive!  I would of course talk to him if you’d like him to plan things more often, but also be prepared that he just may not be capable of doing that right now as a med student. 

I agree with  throughthelookingglass87 : that you should make sure you’re prepared for what the next (many) years will look like.  Though my friend felt like her first year was the hardest, there’s a lot of moving for internships and then moving again for residency.  Are you prepared to be long distance in a couple of years?  Or continue to move with him?  Those are big decisions. I know it’s really early on still, but it’s easier to decide whether that’s the life you want when things are still new vs. when you’re 3 years in and he gets matched to a small town in the sticks/big city/somewhere you don’t like or would have trouble relocating your job to. 

Post # 13
Hostess
3738 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

rrowlan6 :  That definitely is more challenging in a new relationship.  I knew my med student friend for a while before she started school and it still was a bummer to text her and not hear back for days/weeks because she was too busy to do anything else.  I think since it’s new, this is probably as good as he’s going to get at showing interest.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting more communication, but he may not be able/willing to do so. 

Post # 14
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

rrowlan6 :  If you think his schedule is busy now, wait until he’s in private practice, and has a call schedule. Doctors don’t slow down until they retire. 

Post # 15
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I met my ex when he was a fourth year/medical intern. He was working 100hrs + per week. He can see me MAYBE once a week, for an hour or two. When we were together, he would be a sleep-deprived zombie – fell asleep on the sofa when I went to the bathroom, accidentally stood me up because he fell asleep, “disappear” for hours in the middle of messaging because he fell asleep on his laptop… I am a very patient person and still, I could not date him.

When I tried to break up with him over text (I know! But he could not see me for another week), he promised to make changes. He would text me twice a day – once in the morning, wishing me good morning and tell me briefly how his night went if he was on call, then once in the evening, good night before my bedtime. These two texts are guaranteed. I would occasionally text him throughout the day. Sometimes he would text me back, sometimes not. This worked for us. Well, for a while, that is. Then he moved for residency and our relationship simply could not handle his hours + long distance. 

I am sharing this with you because you should know dating a medical professional comes with challenges not commonly associated with other professions. He may be a wonderful man. However, he is just starting his career and his career requires cruel hours, intense work, and frequent moves (move for residency, move for fellowship, and possibly move for the first real job). Being part of that journey is not easy! There is a reason doctors have a high divorce rate.

Once he gets there, it is a lot better! My husband also happens to be a physician and he is a third year attending. His hours are basically 8 to 6, with occasional on-call/tumor board. Not difficult at all.

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