Post # 1
I’m looking for guidance.
I’m 30, my boyfriend is 34. We’ve been together a year and a half and live together. During the first year of being together, things were great and marriage came up. We were both on the same page, and he said that December 2017 felt like the right time to propose. I didn’t ask for a timeline at all, that was his idea. He even asked for guidance on picking out a ring for me. December came and went, with no proposal.
When I asked him why, he said he’s a “cautious person”. He claimed the “fights” we had concerned him. The fights we had were about him not moving the relationship forward, and not following through on stuff he said. There were no fights for months leading up to December. Our relationship was a bit strained due to a guy who was living with us, who we have since gotten to leave. After the missed proposal, my boyfriend suggested counseling and we’ve been going for about 3 months. Since we have so few fights about anything, a lot of times our counseling sessions consist of us having to make up hypothetical scenarios just so we have something to talk about.
We are both very in love and happy with each other. I have no complaints about him other than I don’t know if we’re on the same page regarding marriage. Before, he was open about saying when he thought he’d be ready, but now after the missed December proposal, he refuses to talk about a timeline. He says he wants to get married, but when I ask him when (this year, next year, 5 years) he won’t confirm anything. I literally have no idea where my future is going. I want to have kids and at 30, the idea of having no timeline or expectations whatsoever really concerns me. Money or instability in life is not an issue for either of us. We live in his house, we’re long done with school, his job is stable, we love the area we live in, there’s literally nothing putting our life on hold except his indecisiveness.
If you were in my shoes, how would you handle this? How long would you wait if the other person refused to talk about a timeline but was adamant they wanted to get married “someday”. My boyfriend loves me, I’m certain he doesn’t want to date other people, we are on the same page in all other things besides this.
Post # 2
I would start looking for somewhere else to live. Look for ads for apartment rentals, seeking a roommate, just get out. He feels too comfortable knowing that you’re living together, go to counseling (too early imo!), He can stall and make up excuses for not getting engaged and marrying all he wants but you don’t have to be at his mercy.
Move out, let him know that you can still date eachother and see if things go anywhere but that you’re not going to close all of your options just because he ”isnt sure or ready”. That’s his problem, not yours.then slowly open yourself up to seeing other people, know your worth and know what you want and sdont settle for anything less.
Family, children and marriage are important to you? move out. He might get an epiphany that he was an idiot and he cant live without you, will propose and will be get over his fears of marriage, but he may not and slowly he will let you move on.this will hurt but better than losing years on someone whos just wasting your time. Good luck.
Post # 3
I’m a little confused. You say that he said he wanted to propose dec 2017, but months before that you were fighting about him not moving the relationship forward? When you were together like 1 year? What more “moving forward” can you get besides an engagement in a few months?
Him missing his deadline without talking to you is shitty, and his inability to give a new timeline would worry me as well. At 34 I’d expect much more than “someday”. I would try to get a firm answer out of him. Maybe he is liking “playing house” right now and reconsidering marriage. Just because he says he wants to get married doesnt mean its truthful. Especially if 0 effort has been made towards it. I might be looking at potential exit plans if you can’t get a straight answer out of him. Especially if kids are on the horizon, you don’t want to be waiting around for another 5 years to see if he will give you a date.
Post # 4
At 30 I had zero intentions of spending more than a few months with a guy before determining if we were on the same “ready for marriage” page.
I next’ed plenty of guys before meeting Fi. On date 3 I started mentioning how I was ready for marriage and wasn’t going to waste any time with someone who wasn’t in that place in their life yet. He said he was in that place, and we moved forward on the same page. We moved in together with the understanding we’d be engaged within a year, and then he proposed.
It sounds like your SO said and did all the right things to likewise make you think y’all were on the same page, then reneg’ed.
Had Fi done that to me, I would have moved back out, no question.
I would have felt lied to and tricked, and I would have moved on with my life.
I don’t care how “good” or “right” the relationship is – I knew marriage and kids were important to me, and I prioritized that.
But to do that, you have to feel worthy – you have to come from a place of confidence that if you put yourself back out there on the market, you will find a great guy who will value you accordingly and want marriage and kids.
If you can’t come from that place, then you will stick around forever out of fear.
Post # 5
when I say the fights were about moving the relationship forward, here are some examples:
it took him forever to say he loved me. Finally after 7 months of dating, I told him first. He responded that he wasn’t sure yet. At month 8 he said he loved me.
Then when my apartment lease was coming up, he didn’t seem bothered to talk about where I would live or what our plans were for 2018. In October I told him I don’t want to date and live separetly forever, that we had talked about getting married and that’s what I still wanted. During that conversation in October he said ok you can move in, and December feels like the right time to get engaged. I moved in because he told me we’d be getting married. I wanted to be careful not to get myself into a spot where he could play house with no commitment. I never imagined he’d go back on his word about a December proposal once I moved in, but here we are.
Post # 6
i guess I’m scared that maybe he IS planning to propose, and had I just kept quiet and waited 6 more months, etc, he would have done it. And if I just up and leave now, he won’t because he’s stubborn.
My job is also in limbo right now. I’m in a discrimination lawsuit against my employer and I’m on administrative leave. I may soon not have a job. So there’s the added stress of that. I feel very low right now. I was not a good enough skin color for my work place and I was not a good enough girlfriend to marry. He keeps saying how perfect I am, but I’m obviously not perfect enough. It’s humiliating going to counseling and having to come up with fake examples to “work through” because he’s so afraid of marrying me.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
He sounds like he’s been hesitant about everything from the get go, not sure he loved you, not sure about moving in and now not sure about the proposal/marriage. If this were me, I’d move out and date other people until I found someone who was just as sure as I was about everything.
This is your future, too, and you have every right to take full control of it, with or without him.
Post # 8
seattlegirl87 : I think that this is a GREAT example of something you could talk about in those therapy sessions. Are you planning to do so? You said: It’s humiliating going to counseling and having to come up with fake examples to “work through” because he’s so afraid of marrying me.
Umm, no. It’s silly to go to therapy and not talk about what’s really bothering you. Talk about the marriage thing with your therapist. Maybe you’ll get somewhere.
Also, sounds like it’s time to get a new job. Are you able to do that? It’s way too early for you to be dependent on him.
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
Just two quick questions. I’m trying to get a better feel for the situation.
- What changed between him saying that Dec 2017 was a good proposal date and then the time of Dec and after where nothing happened?
- Did he actually ask you to move in or did you pressure him? I don’t know if you meant to but the wording about of hims saying “okay you can move in” sounds like a guy who doesn’t know what to say
Sorry if these sound hasty, I just feel like those answers could possibly reveal a lot.
Post # 10
cbgg : I don’t know how to bring this up in counseling, he doesn’t like to talk about the future anymore. I don’t want to ruin things by talking about something he doesn’t like. It just makes him not want to marry me even more.
Post # 11
seattlegirl87 : Yeah, I get that it’s scary. But I think you’re not seeing the forest for the trees right now because you are too much in the thick of it.
So let’s say that you DO bring this up in therapy. There are a few possible outcomes:
1) You and he have a good conversation and you come to understand his position better. Whether his position is that he’s not ready or he is ready or whatever, you get more info to decide on your path forward.
2) You bring it up and he throws a hissy fit and says he won’t marry you because you brought it up. Now you know something very important. This is not the man for you. A man will not refuse to mary you because you mentioned it. That is not a thing. For some reason all women think this is how it works, but it’s not. If he blames you, it’s really just him making excuses and he’s not the man for you.
In either case, you’ve expressed that you don’t really have time to waste. Get brave and bring this up. He’s probably scared to talk about it too. It can be really scary to talk about. Do you know why? Because it can mean the end of a good relationship. But it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do.
Post # 12
If you are afraid of backlash from the person you love when you talk about your future together, you’re with the wrong person.
The way you talk about him, you act as if he is the only one with a say in your relationship. You get to decide your future too.
I agree with the PP who says you should look for your own place. Find a nice rental. Tell him you’re too old to play games and if he wants to get serious, maybe you’ll consider it. But you have your own life to live and I’m sure there are other men out there who want what you want. Don’t waste your time with someone who won’t ever be sure.
Post # 13
answer 1: nothing changed. All through December he was telling me this is the best relationship of his life, he’s never been happier, etc. Things changed when he didn’t follow through on his promise and I started to realize I had been lied to. Once the game was up and I told him how hurtful that broken promise was, he said he was never again going to commit to a timeline. Things haven’t really been the same since. He’s super happy to play house but there’s zero talk of the future now, which is different than bevore.
answer 2: I pressured him to move in. Well, more like I pressured him to tell me where our relationship was going. I wanted the freedom to either move to a cheaper apartment closer to work (but further from him) and date other people who wanted a future like the one I wanted OR know where our relationship was going and that’s when he said it didn’t make sense for me to move to another apartment when he thought we’d be getting married in early 2018. He came from a more conservative background so living together before marriage wasn’t an instinctual thought for him.
Post # 14
You all are very wise. I will try to bring this up in counseling tonight. I’m frustrated enough where I’m at the point that I just want to know the truth.
Post # 15
But do you WANT to marry a guy who would cancel his proposal plans if you took a stand for your own rights within the relationship?
I told my Fi that I wouldn’t be in any relationship in which I wasn’t an equal. In every way. So he knew from the START not to fuck around with my emotions on as huge a topic as engagement and marriage. We were partners with equal stake in our shared future, and the topic was always collaborative.
I wouldn’t have stayed with a man who made me feel as though the topic of my own future was taboo and not firmly within my own control.
Any man who behaved that way about the engagement would like behave the same within a marriage, and I would NEVER sign up for a lifetime of being treated as a second class citizen.
Don’t you want to marry a man who stands behind his word instead of cowardly backing out and leaving confusion in his wake?
Don’t you want to marry a man who will treat you as an equal and make space for you to have control over your own future?
Don’t you want to marry a man who makes you feel SAFE coming to him with concerns about important topics rather than one you intimidates you into feeling powerless and valueless?
Does your work situation mean that you can’t find another job elsewhere? Surely you can pick up a part time serving job?