Unsure of the future

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

seattlegirl87 :  Tough love time Bee: this is not the guy for you. 

It sounds like you have been the one all along leading this relationship forward. You said you loved him first and it turned into a fight. You pressured him to move in together. Also resulting in a fight. He’s just kind of been along for the ride. Now at only 1 1/2 years of dating you’re in couples therapy? It’s not supposed to be this hard this soon. This is a BAD SIGN. 

Yes please be honest in therapy (if you’re not honest therapy is basically pointless) but also be honest with yourself. This guy isn’t willing to give you what you need. You’re less than two years in. No need to keep wasting your time with this guy. 

Post # 32
Member
6751 posts
Busy Beekeeper

seattlegirl87 : If he doesn’t want to give me a timeline, he won’t. End of story.

If, with both of you in your 30s and after 1.5 years together, he can’t give you any sense of when or if he’d want to get married to you then you have to decide if it’s time to move on. I would. Only you can decide what’s right for you, Bee. 

Post # 34
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

seattlegirl87 :  “If after bringing it up in counseling, how much longer would you wait if the answer was “I don’t know” or “we’ll see how it goes.””

Answering that is a very personal question – no one can tell you the right answer for you.  For some people, they’d rather just enjoy the relationship as long as it’s good and let go of their worries about the future.  For others, they know that their priority is marriage and children so it will only make sense for them to break it off and find someone on the same page.  For others, maybe the knowledge that they were with someone who didn’t seem to fully reciprocate their love would be a problem and they’d have to break it off.

It’s a question for you to answer.  What are your goals?  What matters to you most?  What is within your control and what is not?  This could also be a good topic for individual therapy.

I think that most people looking at this situation objectively would say to leave him.  But we are just people on the internet who only know a few paragraphs about your life.  It’s your decision to make. 

Post # 35
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He’d be too stubborn to propose just because you brought up a timeline? I’m sorry, but that’s not someone I’d want to be with. 

You want a timeline—he just wants to see how it goes. If you’re not able to discuss this with him, then I don’t see a future for this relationship. 

I’d say that you need a timeline or you’re out. It is perfectly reasonable that you want to know his goals for this this relationship when you have been dating a 1 1/2 years. 

Post # 36
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

seattlegirl87 :  These are the answers you need to be getting from your therapist.  There is absolutely NO POINT of being in therapy if you’re not getting help with the actual areas of difficulty in your relationship.  

So, for example… you to therapist:  I have something I’d like to bring up this evening.  SO told me earlier this year, when we moved in together, that he was planning on proposing in December.  That date has come and gone, and since then, there has been a complete breakdown in communication about the future of our relationship.  As an equal partner, I find this to be unacceptable, and I feel as though I’ve been lied to and strung along.  This is something I want us to work on with you in these sessions.

Just say what you feel!  It doesn’t really matter if your SO doesn’t like it; you’re unhappy right now, and you need answers.

Post # 37
Member
6751 posts
Busy Beekeeper

seattlegirl87 :  You want to get married and have children. He’s not sure he wants to marry you–that’s what he IS telling you when he says your “relationship isn’t ready”. You have a lot of thinking to do. 

 

Post # 38
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

seattlegirl87 :  You can’t think that way. Nothing you say about marriage or your joint future could make a man not want to marry you if he already wants to marry you. You’re putting far too much pressure on every little thing you do, and it’s just not realistic. A man who wants to marry a woman, will do so.

Think about it like this. You want to marry him. Let’s say you had a secret proposal planned for 6 months from now. Would him asking you about marriage, before your planned proposal, make you no longer want to marry him? No, of course not! You might play coy to avoid revealing your surprise, but you wouldn’t have a complete and total change of heart about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with based on a simple question! That’s crazy.

Stop making up hypothetical situations in counseling. You’re paying for counseling, because you need outside, objective, input in your relationship. Right now, you’re not getting what you’re paying for, because you’re not being honest or trying to address your actual issues. At your next session, you need to clearly state, in front of your counselor and boyfriend, “Our main issue is that I don’t feel that bf is committed. We had plans for the future, where he brought up a time line of proposing in December 2017, but he did not follow through. I feel disappointed that something I was looking forward to and excited about didn’t happen. I’m also feeling unsure about the future, as bf now won’t discuss our joint future or marriage at all. I need to know why the discussed proposal didn’t happen, and I need honesty about how bf feels about the future of our relationship.”

Electing to go to counseling together was the hard part. Your bf agreed to go! He’s attending with you! That’s a great start. Now you need to take this opporunity to actually improve your relationship and determine your next steps. You don’t want to be that Bee, posting on this site years from now, complaining that you’re still not married and can’t get any straight answers, worried that the way you breathe might scare your bf out of proposing. At that point, maybe you’ve had some kids together, or you’ve bought a house together, and you’re going to feel stuck because you have ties to a man who won’t commit to you.

Post # 39
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

 

I havent read all the responses so I hope I am not repeating what anyone else has said but  this is the way I feel about it.

When you moved in with him then you’re basically married, the only thing really missing is the ring. I mean think about it. If you get married right now what would be the difference in your realtionship? That you are able to call him your husband and not your boyfriend? I think pressuring him for you to move in was probably where he thought “well why do I have to marry her now if shes here with me already , this is great”. I believe when he thought about marriage before it was bc in his head it came with the “moving in, sharing a home”. Now that you took that away , whats the desire to really marry you now? For a simple title? MOVE OUT 

Post # 40
Member
10852 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

seattlegirl87 :  

No no, no, no, no!  If you feel like you can ‘ruin’ things by wanting to discuss your shared future you are in entirely the wrong relationship.

Bee, you have been carrying this thing on your back from the beginning.

Tough shit if he doesn’t feel like talking about the future.  You have an unassailable right to know what he’s thinking in that regard.  Therapy is the ideal place to raise these issues.  I’m surprised your therapist allows him to weasel out of uncomfortable discussions.

It’s well past time for you to reclaim your independence.  The PP who suggested you move out is right.  Not to manipulate him into missing you, but to take care of yourself.  This relationship is chipping away at your self esteem at a time when you most need emotional support.

It’s painfully clear that this guy cannot give you what you need.  How much longer you want to torture yourself is up to you.

Post # 42
Member
6751 posts
Busy Beekeeper

seattlegirl87 :  Or it’s him. He may have his own issues that make it difficult for him to commit to anyone. Or it may just be that the two of you aren’t the right fit at the right time. It takes more than love to make marriage work. 

Post # 44
Member
4902 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

seattlegirl87 :  that’s really sad and I’m so sorry to hear what he wrote. He can use the handy ‘its mending’ excuse whenever he wants now to get you to back off and slink away. 

I’m no doormat; if my D H told me that while we were dating I would tell him that he’s unmendable to me, he lied to me, and that I’m moving out. Marriage is full of ups and downs, you’re sometimes ‘mending’ something that happened weekly but at least you have the security of marriage. You’re playing house, following his rules and he gets to dictate if you’re marriageable? Guess what girl? There’s a man out there that wont screw with your head like this guy is, someone that will keep his promises and won’t need to bring you to a counselor just to keep making up new obstacles so you keep quiet. Its up to you to make your life how you want it. Never let a man decide for you. Gl

Post # 45
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

seattlegirl87 :  then he’s not the right  man for you bee!! You can’t being up things  he doesn’t like to talk about bc it makes him mad and pushes engagement  further out whaaat? Why would you want to marry a man that manipulates you so and doesn’t care what you want or need. Omg this makes me so mad. Sounds like he’s not gonna marry you but will let you waste the last decade of child bearing years playing house if you let him. Get a new job and get out! 

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