Post # 61
seattlegirl87 : um, no. I’ve known some crappy ass therapists in my time, but no. I have a hard time believing your couples therapist trash talked you to your boyfriend behind your back. So, either way, your therapist is a piece of sh!t for saying that, or your boyfriend is a piece of sh!t for making that up. I’m leaning towards the latter.
Get yourself out of this relationship and focus on yourself. You deserve better.
Post # 62
pinkglasses : he picked this one, he is paying, not going to happen.
He says I’m not giving up anything since he too wants marriage and kids and that’s our goal. So at counseling I look foolish because he keeps saying he wants that too. When I try to explain that he did this to the two other girlfriends, the counselor says that’s in the past. When I told her about the broken promise to get engaged in December, she says our relationship wasn’t ready anyways and that it’s in the past. She says that even if my boyfriend married me I’d find some other reason to pick on him. But other than this, I have no complaints with him. He’s messy, that’s his only other annoying behavior, so I hired a cleaning service and I just do a little extra myself around the house to keep things tidy. But she says eventually it’ll be a big issue to me just like the engagement thing was. To me, the broken engagement promise was really serious, that’s why I was hurt. Being messy, or late from work, stuff like that doesn’t matter to me.
When I go home and talk to my boyfriend about how upsetting this is to me, he tape records the conversations so he “has proof of how mean I am”. Or he’ll write down what I say in a notepad in his phone.
Post # 63
This is ridiculous, Bee. Your therapist sucks, but what sucks the most is that you are in a relationship where you feel defeated. NOOO. Nope, nope, nope. You need to get a new individual therapist, and you need to ditch this boyfriend. If he’s not ready now, he’ll never be ready.
Post # 64
psyche1978 : I think he was telling the truth when he told me what she said. He said she’s also called me toxic a different time. I asked him why he’s with me if I’m so bad, he said cause he loves me.
its worth noting he pays about $300 a session and it’s not covered by insurance. I’ve begun to wonder if that has something to do with her always being on his side. We’ve been in counseling 3 months and she says it’s “not that long and we have a long way to go.” He says if I don’t go, the relationship isn’t fixable. So I go.
Post # 65
Bee you are breaking my heart more with every post. You deserve to be happy! You deserve to come home and be supported and loved, not recorded and berated!
Post # 66
seattlegirl87 : I am so insulted on your behalf, OP. What sexist crap is this, that a woman is unreasonable for wanting a timeline for a major event in her life? That a poor 34-year-old boy shouldn’t be pressured with such high expectations, like having to clean up after himself and make adult decisions and have honest conversations with his partner about his plans for their combined future?
At this point I feel so stupid and wish I had shut my mouth and never asked about a timeline.
OP, I did the whole “shut up and wait” thing and it has been a waste of my time. I mentioned engagement to my boyfriend in 2014 and he wasn’t into it, so I shut up for two years. I finally spoke up again when I was ready for us to get serious about engagement, but I didn’t ask for a timeline for almost two years, and he has kept me waiting for almost two years. That’s almost four years since I first brought up the topic of engagement. I feel stupid for keeping my mouth shut!
You are at a low point now and it’s understandable that it seems easier to just stay in the relationship, even if you never get what you want from it. I felt that way for awhile, but I did move past it, and I hope you will too.
Please in the meantime get a different therapist for yourself because this couples counseler is biased against you if she’s putting blame on you for your boyfriend’s issues. And I wouldn’t trust anything your boyfriend claims happened when you weren’t present.
Post # 67
seattlegirl87 : “When I go home and talk to my boyfriend about how upsetting this is to me, he tape records the conversations so he “has proof of how mean I am”. Or he’ll write down what I say in a notepad in his phone.“
This is abusive behavior, plain and simple. He’s gaslighting you and manipulating you and making you out to be the crazy one. You do NOT have to stay in this relationship. You DO have the power to leave. And just because this guy is a loser doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of marriage, kids, and the things you want.
Post # 68
Your boyfriend is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He is using therapy to further manipulate you. I am also 99.9% sure your therapist did not say you were a real piece of work. That would be horribly unprofessional, unnecessary and a ridiculous thing to say as a therapist.
Post # 70
liara : would it be ok for me to ask the therapist about her comments at our next session? My boyfriend felt really validated by her saying that.
also, it’s funny you say he’s emotionally abusive, he keeps saying I’m abusive. He said the other girl he didn’t want to marry was abusive too and the one before that had “anger issues”. I asked what he thought all 3 relationships had in common and he said “people who can’t handle conflict”. He doesn’t really see himself as having any part in it.
Post # 71
Omg stop seeing that therapist ffs! While it does sound like you have pressured him at each step in your relationship, it also very much sounds like he is immature, uninterested in growing up, and placing the blame on you. He claims all his other gf’s were the problem, but my guess is he acts cold and uninterested and eventually makes everyone crazy. Sounds like maybe he and the therapist should get together. Staying with him means giving up on happiness, leaving him gives you possibilities. You could find an awesome guy and job tomorrow…you don’t know, but don’t stick with him cause it’s harder to leave.
Post # 72
He’s abusive and manipulative, and his previous girlfriends left before they invested too much time with him. Hopefully they found someone who treated them well after! May you be next.
Post # 73
seattlegirl87 : This guy SUUUUCCCCKKKKSSSSS!! Bee you have to see it, don’t you? Get out of this relationship like yesterday!
Forget therapy. Forget him. Just leave. He’s a complete asshole and you’re worth more than this! Don’t give up on your dreams for this asshat.
Post # 74
seattlegirl87 : *Please* bring up those supposed comments from the therapist at the next session, and if the therapist really did say that behind your back to your boyfriend, please report her to the licensing board. Because, if true, that is one of the most unprofessional, unethical things I’ve heard a couples therapist do in a while.
And for the record, some therapists really do just suck. My ex and I went to a therapist a few years before we divorced who thought it was perfectly ok for my ex be upset bc I didn’t dress up enough for him. The therapist felt like I should be trying harder to look attractive for my ex – you know, somewhere between running my own business and taking care of a 4yo and 2yo. The therapist also thought it was appropriate for me to maintain a certain body style/composition for my ex’s desires. My ex felt very validated and I felt like crap. Anyways, that therapist was full of crap, and ending my marriage and dressing for my own tastes were far better options.
Post # 75
seattlegirl87 : Is he sleeping with this therapist? This is very unprofessional behavior on her part. Is she a licensed psychologist?
Bee–based upon what you have told us you are not the problem. At almost 31 years old and wanting children it is perfectly reasonable to want to know where the relationship is going and when. He says it could be 10 years before he’s ready? Get out of this situation. It is what is toxic.