Unsure of the future

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
10671 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

seattlegirl87 :  

I do not believe for one second that the therapist called you a ‘piece of work’.  If she did, she’s as unethical as she is incompetent.

Stop couples’ counseling.  Your bf is controlling the sessions and the therapist is not being impartial.  Find your own therapist.  They’re not all created equal, some are truly awful and shouldn’t be allowed to write greeting cards, let alone offer counseling.

Post # 78
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“When I go home and talk to my boyfriend about how upsetting this is to me, he tape records the conversations so he “has proof of how mean I am”. Or he’ll write down what I say in a notepad in his phone.”

WTF, Bee! This is awful. He is trying to “get you.” This is not a partnership and this is not OK.

Post # 79
Member
10671 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

seattlegirl87 :  

Do not go back to that therapist!

And get the hell away from this tyrant who tape records you to facilitate his gaslighting of you.

Post # 80
Member
10671 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

seattlegirl87 :  

Being a licensed psychologist is no guarantee of competence.

When I was still married to my abusive ex, he was willing to go to couples’ counseling with me.  The ex deserved an Oscar for the Loving and Devoted Husband role he played to perfection.  The misogynist of a therapist bought it and nearly got me badly injured with his half assed, bull shit advice.  

Just like your bf, the ex painted me as the “emotionally unstable” one.  It was the two of them against me.

The therapist also made an inappropriate comment behind the exe’s back, telling me I was cuter than the ex.

I was much too pulverized at the time to raise hell about the therapist.  I was there in totally trusting innocence, wanting to fix my marriage.

After I left the bad therapist, I found a wonderful therapist on my own.  She got me through recognizing how badly I was being abused, all the way to leaving, divorcing, and meeting my now Dh.

It was many years later that I finally received my validation.  I found out that the bad therapist’s peers consider him a complete incompetent and all around POS.  It’s a hollow victory.  I can’t protect the rest of his victims.  But, it was vindication nonetheless.

Post # 82
Member
10671 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

seattlegirl87 :  

He is NOT a good guy.

He absolutely does realize how much he’s hurting you and he doesn’t care.

Doe some reading about narcissism.

Post # 83
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

.think you need to leave your boyfriend for 2 reasons

1. For yourself. Look at yourself and figure out why you are in such a rush to get married again. Have you ever been single or spent time on yourself. Looking at your timeline it looks like you got married at 19 for 10 years and within a few months of your marriage ending you were already in a relationship with a new boyfriend, putting pressure on him to committ, to move in etc.

2. Your boyfriend doesnt sound like a person who has ever made you happy so im not sure why you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Is it him you want to spend your life with or do you just want to be married again.

Post # 84
Member
4814 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

You got some really good advice here in these 6 pages. Please reread all of it often and perhaps someday when you’ve had enough and get enough strength, you’ll leave. 

Post # 85
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

Dump your boyfriend and never see that therapist again. 

He’s going to find excuses to continue acting like an abusive ass and blame you for it. Even if he did propose tomorrow, why would you want to marry him??? He treats you like crap! Nothing you do will ever be “good enough” for his ridiculous standards. 

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than spending your life with someone who treats you like this. Like his ex girlfriends did when they saw the writing on the wall, you need to get out of there before it gets any worse. 

Post # 87
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

seattlegirl87 :  “When you’ve wasted a decade of your life sitting on the couch in a small apartment being someone’s slave, you’re excited for real life to start, including a real loving relationship.”

I’m sorry Bee but this isn’t a “real loving relationship.” It’s easy to think this relationship is good when compared to your marriage BUT IT ISN’T. Just because it’s not as horrible and awful doesn’t mean it’s good. You’ve spent enough of your life putting yourself on the back burner. Time to put yourself first for once and dump this asshole. There are good guys out there. Unfortunately you found 2 shitty ones in a row. 

Post # 88
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

I believe you are in a relationship with a narcissist.  Narcissists are very manipulative and good at putting on a front of being a wonderful partner. They know how to twist situations around and shift blame. They are incredibly charming (he seems to have charmed your therapist). I know this because I dated one after my first marriage ended and he made me feel the way you seem to be feeling right now. Read these articles about narcissists and PLEASE do what is best for yourself and leave this relationship. I wish I had left my ex so much sooner. 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-warning-signs-youre-dating-a-narcissist/ 

https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-blames-you/

https://www.bustle.com/articles/71308-15-signs-youre-dating-a-narcissist-because-its-not-as-obvious-as-you-might-think

https://www.allure.com/story/signs-you-might-be-dating-a-narcissist 

Post # 90
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

seattlegirl87 :  That sounds like my ex. He wasn’t a textbook narcissist in every way but he made a good show of convincing me that he loved me, buying me gifts, pretending to care about my feelings.

He didn’t care. He did it when he felt me slipping away, to lure me back in. 

And he was so selfish. It was all about him and his needs. This sentence is my ex to a T:

“If our wants match, great, but if not, he does not compromise and gets very stubborn.”

 

Trust me, you will be a lot happier without the burden of this relationship weighing you down. 

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