Unsure of the future

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

What did the therapist say in response to your text?

Post # 94
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

seattlegirl87 :  Honestly if I were you I wouldn’t want to save this relationship. And no, there’s no magic words you can use to fix this. Stop thinking this is somehow your fault. Your bf has gaslighted you so much you think this is all your fault. It’s not. Your bf is a jerk and doesn’t deserve you. 

Post # 96
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I’m so sorry. I’m not at all surprised that your boyfriend was lying in an attempt to make you feel like the bad guy. Your boyfriend treats you horribly. If I were you, I would pack my bags and be gone (and count my blessings that I didn’t have to waste any more time on him!)

Post # 97
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

seattlegirl87 :  I’m glad your therpaist confirmed what we’ve all been saying. He is very manipulative. I hope your thearpist offered some advice similar to what we are telling you.

This relationship isn’t worth saving. He’s manipulative and doesn’t care about your feelings. You deserve better. 

 

Edited to add: TRUST ME. My ex was super manipulative and had convinced me I was doing all the wrong things and “making” him act the way he was acting. It took too long but I finally left and was surpised by how relieved I felt. I no longer had the weight of trying to make a relationship with someone like him try to work. I no longer felt like everything I did was wrong.

Being single was hard at first and he got super manipulative and kept trying to “win” me back, but I didn’t go back and I’m so glad I didn’t. I got together with my now-fiance a few months after that. I never question our relationship or his feelings for me. He doesn’t lie or make me feel bad about myself. You deserve a relationship like that! Don’t settle. 

Post # 98
Member
648 posts
Busy bee

hemiandhighheels :  Ditto this. All of it. My ex is a sociopath (part of that is being a narcissist). I also got that feeling from what you were saying. The biggest thing is the manipulation. And they’re so good at it that they often will fool therapists as well. And the previous poster is very correct in that when a relationship is real and true, there’s no feelings like this. My relationship with my ex was horrific although I didn’t even realize it until the end. He had me totally brainwashed. And I’m an intelligent, grounded person. It can happen to anyone and once you start to see the truth you won’t even believe that the person you were in that relationship was even you. Now that I’m in a relationship with a “real” person there’s none of the doubt, suspicion, questioning, making excuses, or any of that. It’s hard to see until you’re out of it AND work through what actually happened. But when you do, the difference is night and day. Real love doesn’t make you feel bad or confused. 

Post # 99
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

seattlegirl87 :  

Yes, it sucks.  He knows full well he’s hurting you.  It’s what he does.  You can’t fix it.

Sweetie, you went from one abuser to another.  Your radar is so bent that you believe because your current abuser is less overt, eg he doesn’t beat you, he must be a good guy.

He’s not.  He’s terrible.

You would be far better off taking a time out from relationships to get your radar repaired.  A good therapist can help you tremendously with that.

Otherwise, you’ll keep repeating the same cycle over and over.

Post # 100
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

seattlegirl87 :  You know, I was reading your post and  thought : ” from what she writes looks like she put some pressure on moving in”. 

To be honest, when I was 8 months into dating my bf I thought: ” why he is not talking about moving in together, I am 35 he is 40, we are crazy in love, I am spending 1 weekday and whole weekend up to MOnday with him, we were friends prior to dating for 3,5 years, he was persistently  trying to ask me out even when we were friends??”  And it got to the point when one time I mentioned it to him. He told me we are not even dating for a year, why am I putting pressure on him. I got upset and we had a huge fight that night. I even went to my own place in spite of him trying to stop me from leaving – that’s how upset I was. 

My lease was supposed to be up in mid July, right after our anniversary. After that fight  I was just looking for an apartment and not asking him anything. First he was just watching me without making comments that I was looking for a place. Then 2 weeks before our anniversary he took me to a restaurant and told me that he thought about it and he wants to move things to the next level and asked me to move in. 

My point is – maybe you did put some pressure on him too early. And I shall say it is never OK to make a promise and then disregard it (on his part). 

Post # 101
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

beethree :  ha, being on page 5 of these comments I thought the same, if he is sleeping with the therapist. From what I read so far – this guy is a piece of work. He plays recorded comments to prove he is right???? 

I am actually wondering if he had a good relationship with his parrents when he was growing up. 

Post # 102
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

After I finished reading all updates from you, I think you should just leave him. You may try to fix it for some time, but this does not look repairable. He has an ongoing issue from his childhood, that he brings to an adult life. 

Post # 103
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

seattlegirl87 :  I just want to take you and hug you and show you how very much you deserve better. YOu have been through so much and I can tell over and over again by things you say (the descrimination case, getting out of an abusive marriage etc.) how strong you are. And also how fragile. I spent a lot of years of my life tryign to prove to the world I was good enough. It took me a very good therapist to figure out that I wasnt just trying to prove it to the world, I was trying to prove it to myself. I felt so fragile and lonely and unloved that I let in partnerships that damaged me further. It took work (but surprisingly it was work I was happy to do with the right therapist where I felt safe, unjudge and infinitely valued and cared for) to restore my own sense of inherent value. Also I learned that I am an amazing and wonderful person and my perserverence and tenacity in the face of really hard cards I’ve been dealt is my super power. Even when I am exhausted from life I know I can still fight for my dreams and my goals. I think you may be the same. Learn to treasure that in yourself. Learn to say yes to yourself. Trust yourself. Be on the inside, who everyone sees on the outside. Beautiful, strong, amazing, valuable.

And kick that man to the curb. He is profiting from your amazinginess and not contributing. Cut him loose. 

Post # 104
Member
1950 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Not that she’s doing it the right way, but it almost sounds like your therapist is leading you towards the healthy breakup you need. Because she’s right, that if your boyfriend isn’t ready, he should not be pressured to commit. However, this also means that your wants and needs do not align with your boyfriend’s. As he’s willing to lie and manipulate you to get out of commiting, you need to leave. This is not an issue either of you should compromise on. He doesn’t want to marry you any time soon, if at all. You don’t want to waste your life and childbearing years waiting for him. So you both move on, and you’ll be happier. He should likely seek individual counseling to see why he is unable to commit and would rather gaslight, manipulate, and chronically lie to avoid it. 

Post # 105
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Are you meeting this therapist in an office? Have you seen her qualifications? I wouldn’t put it past this guy to set up a fake therapist to further manipulate you.

Ps. This guy is a piece of shit. You are worth so much more.

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