Unsure of the future

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
6535 posts
Bee Keeper

A friend of mine used to say, “it takes a hell of a man to beat no man at all.”

He doesn’t make the grade, Bee. He’s even manipulating your experience with your joint therapist. What kind of father do you think he would be? Better to be happy on your own than miserable with him. 

Post # 107
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Please get off the internet, go get some boxes and start packing!  You are 30 years young. Don’t waste another single day on a man who doesn’t believe in the absolute best for you. You are worth more. And by the way, perhaps it may be wise to find your own counselor to figure out why you have choosen back to back losers. Time to do something for yourself!

Post # 108
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

OK – WHY have you stayed with this guy after this thread??? He’s toxic and abusive. Just because you’re only just NOW starting to see the signs doesn’t mean it’s not true.

This is TEXTBOOK narcissist’s mask slippage that you’re experiencing.

Initially, they Love Bomb you. Get you TOTALLY and COMPLETELY reliant upon them for love and affection. They make promises, convince you you’re perfect for each other, rush into moving in, talk marriage, etc.

Then, once they feel they “have” you (which this guy clearly does – you live with him, and have accepted his broken engagement promise and stayed), they start testing just how much you will accept and still stay. It’s hard for them to maintain the facade, so they want to find a comfortable compromise – behavior that is more like their true selves, but not so terrible as to drive you away. 

It’s like putting a lobster in lukewarm water and slowly bringing it to a boil so that he doesn’t feel the heat increasing and panic.

This guy is SLOWLY getting you used to worse and worse behavior, small steps at a time so you won’t balk and move out. 

They ALWAYS wind up reneging on promises and then twisting reality to make it YOUR fault. (THEIR behavior is ALWAYS the OTHER person’s fault.)

I mean, seriously. Come on. This is textbook.

He has been grooming you to accept his abuse since he broke his promise in December. So far, you have shown him that you will be a good little Narcissistic Supply and put up with whatever gaslighting and disrespectful bullshit he cares to toss your way.

I GET that you are pining for those early days when everything seemed so perfect, and he seemed so in love with you. You felt WORTHY back then. You were so loved and appreciated. if you could just DO or SAY the right thing to convince him you are STILL worthy of his love, everything would go back to those early months.

Well, I’ve got news for you.

Things are NEVER going to go back to those early months. 

Like a drug addict, you will forever go on, chasing the dragon, the first high that you can never experience again. 

Because this guy is NOT CAPABLE of true love. He, and others like him, use “love” as a tool to manipulate others into staying with them for as long as possible so that they can suck them dry of narcissistic supply.

Right now, you are experiencing the “DEVALUING” Stage.

It’s where they start to withhold the Love Bombing they led with. They start to make you panic that you are no longer worthy of their love. They blame you for things that aren’t your fault to get you into a defensive mindset. Instead of watching THEM, and judging THEIR terrible behavior, and deciding for yourself, that YOU are too good for THEM, you’re too busy questioning yourself and trying to prove your worthiness. 

Please read this article:

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/idolise-devalue-discard-the-3-phases-of-narcissistic-abuse-part-1/

He went on a sleepover weekend trip without you, WITH another single woman, never texted to tell you, didn’t leave, etc.

And is now saying YOU are in the wrong because you find this behavior unacceptable, just as every single other woman alive would. 

Come on!

This is TEXTBOOK.

He did something egregiously WRONG and DISRESPECTFUL.

Yet you find yourself in the defensive position YET AGAIN, defending your emotions when all you did was try to hold him to completely normal relationship standards. 

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