- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2017
i don’t know if I’m just paranoid and depressed, or if the relationship is just over. I feel like i put unrealistic expectations on my guy. im not sure if I’m just crazy unrealistic, or if the relationship has just run its course… things were pretty good up until about four months ago, and then he confessed some things that REALLY bothered me because we had talked about things several months prior to that, and he assured me that he’d tell me. honesty is most important to me. He didn’t really realize he was keeping things from me until he really thought about it. They were just thoughts, not actions, but they still really bothered me. but anyway, it woke up all my “trust” problems, even though i dont think he deserved it.
i know most of you will yell at me for this because ive seen it on the boards a lot, but his thoughts were of pornographic nature. he was basically an every day user before we met. he had almost completely stopped using porn when we met just because he was so excited about me and would think about me. before we officially got together i voiced how i can’t stand it and how I honestly just seemed to know he was a porn guy and how i wasnt sure if itd work out. he said since hed met me (itd been about month in), that he’d almost completely lost interest in it, which i thought was amazing and very exciting. he said he didn’t want to be using it anyway and had tried to quit in the past and never could do it (religious reasons) and always went back… but he felt like he could do it with me. i said i didnt even like the idea of someone wanting to use it, and he said he really didn’t even want to.
well, he never went back to using it, but eventually he started to imagine stuff instead. occasionally, and often with me instead because he thought itd be ok to do, even though it was stuff i didnt like. like i guess he ended up wanting to use it again but didn’t… but he didnt admit to it for about 8 months, but didn’t really realize what had happened until itd already happened. but it’s not like he actually went back to it. but it hurts that for some reason he regained interest in it and wanted to
it’s been like four months and everything just keeps degrading. for probably 6 weeks or whatever after admitting to me the thoughts and everything, he had no problems really. he said he actually had even forgotten about having to fight off the thoughts. but then about 2 months ago things just got worse. i wasnt sure if i wanted to be married to someone who was so into pornographic stuff and WANTING to watch it so much and having to fight it off so much. it just really hurts. he’s still trying, but it seems to have fluctuated to the bad side again, where he’s fighting off urges to imagine it a lot more. plus im so paranoid that he just wants to see sex and naked chicks all the time… like he’s hoping to come across something, or that he’ll be really excited about seeing it. he says it’s really difficult trying to just fend off everything all the time, and it seems to make it “forbidden” and more alluring. like im even afraid to watch movies with him or whatever because there’s always some naked chick in them, and the thought of him seeing it and really enjoying it or getting turned on by it makes me sick. we dont remember it being a big deal before everything sort of hit the fan… like he could see something and not get turned on by it and it not be a big deal, but since everything is like so constantly front and center, and forbidden, it makes it more alluring somehow, which also really hurts.
he doesnt want to want it. he says that he feels its wrong and wants to be free of it, but its there and he’s afraid itll never go away and that part of him will always want it.
we dont have sex because we wanted to wait until we’re married, and im afraid of getting pregnant, so im sure that’s not helping… and hes always been into pretty quick gratification, but it doesnt work for me. he’s tried to slow things down and try to turn me on and kiss me more, but now it just feels formulaic and blah. it feels like there’s no chemistry, like he’s just doing it for my sake. like i asked if he liked kissing me and he said he does, and i asked him why he doesnt try and start with that. and he said he just thinks he’s impatient. but he tried, and it just lasted too long and i got sick of it. i really appreciate him trying so hard, but im just not feeling it. i feel like it’s forced, and it makes me feel horrible.
i feel like he uses me to get off. like he might want to do stuff with me, but if i dont feel like it, he’s pretty content just doing it himself. he’s tried to stop masturbating just for the gratification, and so it can be more about “us” instead of just the feeling, but now hes just frustrated because i dont really feel like doing things. lots of times I now just get him off just so i wont have to fear him having to fight off porn images, but i feel empty and crappy afterwards and I just want to cry.
i also used to get him off a lot, without any reciprocation. he’d fall asleep. he thoguht it was ok, but soon I told him it was kind of frustrating because i got him off and got turned on and then got nothing out of it… he says he wishes i’d do it more. but i said i wish he’d SOMETIMES do things to me without ME ALWAYS having to reciprocate… because id ALWAYS done it to him, until i got bitter about it. now i dont feel like doing anything for him unless it’s reciprocated… but now everything just feels like crap and i dont even want to do it because i feel like he only wants to get off. he says in a perfect world he’d be happy always just getting off, but wants me to be satisfied since i want to be satisfied, so he will do things to me… but if i didnt care, he’d be happy just always having me get him off.
he says people are in relationships basically because of sex, and without it there’d only BE friendship… and you can have friends, but that people get into relationships because of sex. I feel it’s more about passion and intimacy and closeness and friendship and companionship… am I wrong on this? he says he’s not with me just for sex, but because he loves me, because he COULD always just get off on his own, but it seems to be a close second. he thinks sex can make/break a relationship. i know it’s important, but i dont think it should be THE CORNERSTONE of a relationship… should it? Like should it be that important, that it breaks a relationship? I mean, people get old and sex gets old…
im afraid he’s just too shallow about sex. i’m not sure what to think. but at this point im so paranoid and angry at him for wanting to watch porn and see naked women, and i think my anger and paranoia and anxiety is messing things up. and he says it’s natural. i said it’s not natural for ALL guys, and not to this extent. but it might not be so bad if it weren’t such a big deal… ;-(
even though he feels bad about wanting to think about porn and stuff, and doesnt want to want to. ever since things got bad, i just became depressed and disinterested in general. we’ve talked about things so so so many times, and wondered if we’re compatible sexually. but at this point we inadvertently treat each other differently. we used to be happy to share things with each other, and now we don’t, and he’s gotten ranomly defensive a lot more, and im much more sensitive, and he’s gotten less compassionate… and physical things have just lost the spark. and i wonder if maybe it’s all from just this paranoia and depression and worry… but I don’t know. but i wonder if maybe if I really loved him, it wouldn’t be like this. Or mabe I do love him and im just paranoia and anxious and it’s ruining everything and clouding things up. or maybe we ARENT compatible sexually… I just dont know anymore. we both really want things to work, and want them to go back to being good, but all i can do is be paranoid and afraid and angry and i dont know how to get over it. but i’ve sense felt just unattracted to him, and if i do things with him, i feel empty and it feels horrible, and i dont want to feel like that.
but it’s cycling. i feel crappy and things are crappy, so he’s less attentive and kinda pulling away sometimes, and just not as warm as he used to be, which makes me worse… and neither of us can seem to stop, even though we’re both aware of what’s happening. he says he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he thinks it’s just out of frustration over things sucking so much lately and us being unhappy. it’s very understandable, but I cant feel close to him or happy with him if he’s being less caring/compassionate/relaxed. he’s been trying to work on it, but yeah it’s difficult. we end up miscommunicating and hurting each others feelings because we’re both just so sensitive lately. it sucks.
i feel I need to get over this to recognize how i really feel about him maybe?
or maybe if i really loved him, i wouldnt be feeling any of this?
Ive read things about engagement anxiety too. like flipping out because it’s “the rest of your life” and you suddenly start really analyzing EVERYTHING and it gets really bad… weve been engaged for about 10 months. but it’s true, we’re questioning whether we’re right for each other anymore. we used to seem so compatible… but now things seem to be falling apart. but I cant tell if it’s just me, or if it’s because we just shouldnt be together 🙁
does anyone have any advice?
sorry for this being so long and jumping around. my thoughts are so jumbled up right now 🙁