(Closed) Unwanted feelings for another man, and I don’t know what to do

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I really think it might help to see a therapist – it’s definitely worth a try, maybe having someone you could talk to and open up to about it would help you figure out why you can’t shake what seems to be an unhealthy obsession – maybe obsession is a strong word for it, but I think you get what I mean. But I truly believe therapy could help you – might take a few trys to find a therapist you click with, but I think you’d be doing both yourself and your Darling Husband a favor by trying therapy.

It’s easy to sugarcoat a relationship you’re not in – you don’t see or remember R’s flaws because you have idealized him in your mind, you’re thinking only of the good parts and not of the reasons you broke up with him and chose your Darling Husband over him time and time again.

And I’m sure you know this and it’s kinda obvious, but zero conact with R. Like, forever. It’s disloyal to your Darling Husband and just asking for trouble.

Post # 4
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@anonbee2011: Hey there. It sounds like everything is very romantic and exciting concerning R and yes, I think you’re right that the fact you lost your virginity to him is a contributing factor. There is something very special in that, but you are right to pay attention to the other not-so-romantic aspects of his character. I agree that perhaps you are wondering “what if” you had dated more, etc.

While I agree that a therapist can’t force these thoughts from your mind, that is not necessarily his/her task. Instead, I think a therapist would help you to find that path on your own. I think you would benefit a lot from talking it out, even just one session could help you just to purge and express yourself unhindered.

Put all that romantic energy toward your husband. A therapist can help guide you to discover how you can do this, too.

I hope it all works out for you. It sounds like you know what is best for you, you just have to give yourself a chance to reach for it. Good luck!

 

Post # 5
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m happily married and have a beautiful daughter with my Darling Husband. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about my first love every day. And he has a first love that I’m sure crosses his mind as well. What you’re feeling is (IMO) natural. It’s when you act on it (like you did before but have come to terms with) that it becomes a problem.

First loves are usually pretty pathetic in their lifestyle. We usually have no clue why we fell so hard for them or what makes them so special that they are in our mind all the time. It comes down to the fact that here at home we have someone that is so amazing, loyal, and loving to us. While that first love may seem nice in theory… they’re an ex for a reason.

Post # 6
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It seems like you’re right on in your guesses.  Yes, I think part of this is because you settled down so young.  From what you’ve said, it sounds like your fantasies about this guy have more to do with “what could have been” instead of what is.  As we grow older, what we want changes, and I think when people get married too young, they haven’t figured out a lot of things about themselves, or had the freedom to experience certain things.  

The thing is, you’re married now.  You’ve chosen your husband.  If you love each other and are happy with him, those are huge things, things people search many years for.  Wondering what “could have been” is natural, but ultimately destructive.  You could figure out a way to remind yourself that “what could have been” is silly because what you have now is beautiful.    

And as for being attracted to other people, whether or not we like it, it happens sometimes, and it’s best that we not pursue that attraction and focus on what we love about our SOs.  I think you know that maintaining contact with this guy for so many years made this situation worse.  You’ve probably made your relationship w/R out to be more than it is, because it’s a fantasy of what your life could have been.  Your husband’s your best friend, not R.  You say yourself that R’s life is a mess; all these years after high school, I think you’re wise enough to know a relationship w/R would fall flat on its face pretty quick.  Just keep reminding yourself that your reality is better than the fictional alternate one you imagine.

 

Counseling’s a great idea.  A counselor would be better at steering you towards coping mechanisms, etc.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with what others have said, and I also think that the whole virginity and first love have a lot to do with why you can’t really let it go.

We invite people into our lives in so many intimate ways, it is hard to just have them dissapeae! You are totally normal. I think it would be best not to answer calls, and keep up on facebook etc just because of how emotionally connected you are and how its something you really don’t want to keep growing.

 

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Don’t think about the color blue.  Don’t think about the various shades of it, like cornflower or royal blue or navy.  Think about any color except blue.

So, what color are you thinking about?

Yup, sometimes when something is forbidden, that’s all you can think about because you are constantly telling yourself to not to think about it.  So I wouldn’t wallow in it, but let yourself remember the person.  With time, you’ll think about him less and less (because you’ll also not be talking to this person), and you’ll remember why you’re not with him.

The person I lost my virginity with, my first love, I went back to a few times when between significant others.  Yep, good old ex sex.  We’re talking 13 years after we dated for the last time we got together, so I’ve got your time beat.  But it wasn’t a long term relationship and we had taken such different paths from that time that we didn’t have much in common (or oodles of conversation, it was more superficial than really connecting).  The last time I saw him was 3 months before I started dating Fiance.  I didn’t reach out to him again, and haven’t flown back to that city where I have other friends as well, so as not to have any issues.  (I also told Fiance about him, so Fiance isn’t wild about me ever visiting that city again.  He thinks it odd I’ve kept in touch with several ex’s as friends, and with the exception of one that’s a fraternity brother, refuses to have any at our wedding, no matter how short the relationship or how long ago.)  Do I think about him every so often?  Sure, because he was a part of my life, but Fiance *is* my life now.

Post # 9
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

You can’t just decide not to think about someone (or something for that matter).  And the likelihood is that this is not the last guy you will have a crush on–even while loving your Darling Husband.  The important things to bear in mind are a) even if a crush object seems more exciting than your Darling Husband, that’s only because you know so much less about him, and fill in the gaps with your own imaginings and fantasies, b) if you got together with your crush object, it wouldn’t solve anything, since you would still have crushes on other people after that, and c) it is not worth endangering your marriage by acting on other crushes.

If your thoughts about this guy are really interfering with your life or your relationship with your Darling Husband, you could talk to a therapist.  The therapist won’t force the thoughts out of your mind.  What s/he will do is to give you an outlet for talking about the thoughts you are having (which will diminish over time once you aren’t trying so hard to bury them) and help you to avoid situations in which the temptation might be too much for you.

Post # 10
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I thought about my first love every day for years. Eventually it petered out, but it was like…5 years of just thinking about him. It’s really hard to replicate the kind of insane, desperate INTENSE love that comes from being a teenager with a first love. It’s something special and hard to forget. But just like you said…it doesn’t mean you want it back in your life.

I really suggest talking to a professional. I think the reason you’re constantly thinking it is because there is something about it that is still unsettled for you. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband and as you said, it doesn’t mean you WANT this man… it just means that something inside of you is resisting. Good luck. You sound like a good wife who wants to be completely there for your husband and I really respect that. 

Post # 11
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think everyone has “the one who got away,” and thinks about what life would be like if you had chosen him.  The truth is you two broke up for a reason, and perhaps if you threw away everything that you and your husband have now and go be with R, you would understand and remember that reason that separated you two in the first place.  Sure people change since high school, but you’re taking a huge risk being in this emotional relationship.

Post # 12
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Wow! That’s a dillema.

Well, I think ‘first love’ has always that special place in our hearts.. Not just girls.. guys too.. (because my Fiance I’m pretty sure still thinks about his ex). This kind of love just changes, when all is forgiven and both of you have moved on. 

Yes, I am friends with my ‘first love’. And yes I sometimes think what it would be like if he and I worked out. I talk to him occasionally to just catch up. I think if given the chance, I would fall for him again.. BUT that’s if I give it a chance. I reckon you should have nipped it in the bud when you started feeling something, you should have cut all ties with R, change your number if you have to. 

It feels good to be wanted, it feels good to be flirted with, its a huge ego booster. But is it really worth hurting your Darling Husband for? And another thing, if your Darling Husband has done something like this, would you have forgiven him? Think about it.

Post # 13
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Your first love always holds a special place in your heart. There was a guy in my past that I really did love. Not in the way I love my husband, but the only other guy I had ever thought seriously about marriage with. When I told him I was getting married he was upset. Years later when he announced his marriage, I was upset. You always have that nagging “What if” feeling even if you know that he wasn’t the one for you in the end. And it’s easy to romanticize because you only remember the good times. With then you aren’t faced with the daily rigmarole of marriage, in which there is great love, but also sometimes annoyance when someone doesn’t pick up their dirty clothes or do the dishes.

For you to continue talking to this person though, is very inappropriate and you know that. It’s incredibly unfair to your husband. Not because it’s bad to be friends with an ex, but given you’re history and your current marriage, it’s clearly not a good idea. One thing I can say about therapy is, when you go, you are going to get to the root of your issue. And likely your issue isn’t that you are in love with your ex. You walk into therapy with your external “obvious” problems, and you learn what’s actually been nagging at you. So I definitely think some therapy is in order. No more excuses, find yourself a therapist. 

Post # 14
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Hi,

-I think the reason why you think a lot about R is because of the thought that you settled down so young and you didn’t go through many experiences..So you wonder “what could have been” instead of what is..Believe me you didn’t miss too much..actually you are VERY LUCKY to find a true love in so young age..Besides people go through experiences to find  a true love !!

-Try to talk to a therapist..that may be helpful to you.

-Put this in your mind (True LOVE is a first and last love).

 

 
 

Post # 15
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

as other PP said – becuase you are trying to ‘ get it out of your head” your thinking more about it now. Who doesnt hav little thoughts of their ex’s eveery now and then? im sure we all do. but do we want to be with them? no. do we want to have kids with them. no? talkign from personal experience- Ive thought sometimes about a certain ex but I would NEVER ever give up my Fiance – I want to marry my Fiance, be the mother of his children, be his wife. Just like you.. You make it very clear in your post that you LOVE your husband and would never want it any other way. You jus  have to acknowledge that there is a DIFFERENCE between thinking something and doing something. Its a good thing you deleted him from FB- but seriously try to avoid contact with him-If you want you can even have a friend or even you can simply write a quick msg saying that you are a married woman and would like to stay married to your husband with no problems. That you are in love with your husband and would really like it if he were to respect your descisoon and leave you alone.

Thing is, We wouldnt lke it if our men did that to us. can you imagine if your husband is sitting there thiknign of some other girl other then you? Its definetly hurtful. So anytime mr hot tamali crosses your mind- do a dragon ball z kicking move and set that emotion aside and refocus oon all your love for your husband. As tony Robbins ALWAYS says ‘ condition your mind’. All  you have to do is Practice practice practice and before you no it, R no longer will dominate your thoughts from time to time.

im so sorryyy your feeling this way, its definetly difficult but Im very glad that you told ur husband and that you are trying to figure things out. (:

 

Post # 16
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Being happily married to your husband is not just a feeling it is also a choice.  If it is your choice to be with him, it needs to also be your choice to cut off contact with R (or anyone else who may cause problems within your marriage).  Each time you have contact with him it complicates things.  Drop him as a friend on FB.  Stop taking his calls.  Block them if you have to.  Do not meet with him under any circumstances.  You have displayed to R that you are willing to hide things from your husband.  At first he will question your actions.  If you want you can send him a FB message or text that you are cutting off contact out of respect for your husband and your marriage – NO ADDITIONAL EXPLANATION NECESSARY!.  But you don’t have to do that.  Your obligation is to your husband, not to R.  I figure R will seek you out if you figuratively drop off the face of the earth so you probably should tell him something – but make it short and to the point.  R will likely want to talk further and try to convince you otherwise, but ike I said, your obligaton is to your husband, not to R. Once you cut off contact, time withouth contact will be on your side and “out of sight, out of mind”.  

By The Way, what would you expect your Darling Husband to do if the situaton was reversed?  

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