(Closed) Unwanted gift from unwanted guest?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh wow, that’s so tough! Are you sure that the roommate isn’t assuming he’ll be invited, and inviting her along as well? If you’re not going to be living with them, maybe you could move out and, you know…sneak away, and not send an invitation? 🙂

Sorry, that’s not very helpful. 

Post # 4
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

We have had a number of rather pushy people say startling things.  First there were the folks who have the season ticket seats next to ours at the hockey game, who told us they would have to give us their address so that we would know where to mail the invitation.  We don’t even know their last name!  Then there was the friend of a friend (in other words, not our friend) who told us she was sooo mad at us and we should reschedule as she was going to be in New York the entire month of our wedding.  And the future step-daughter, who asked how many of her friends she gets to invite… 

Luckily the same sort of response works for almost everyone.  While we would absolutely love to be neither space nor budget limited, that’s just not the case.  So we are really inviting only family and close friends.  Our close friends.  Not other people’s close friends.  Sometimes it is hard to be polite.  We did point out to my FSD that we had included those of her friends who are the children of people we consider our close friends, but had to explain that we had made a decision not to invite teenagers if we were not already going to invite their parents. 

Expect more of the same, I would say.  I haven’t really felt torn about any of these except for FSD – and not that torn, as the guest list includes about half a dozen kids who have been her friends since she was pretty young (pseudo-cousins, really).  You are going to have to justify your guest list decisions to more than a few people who assume they are invited, or that their friends are invited, or that people they may or may not be dating are invited.  It is endless.  I would sit down with your Fiance and come up with a general set of guidelines for invitees, and then try very hard to stick to them.

I would explain to your roomies’ girlfriend that as your budget and/or venue is limited, while you would really love to have them there, you just can’t.  And then tell her (graciously) that while you appreciate the thought, they don’t really need to get you anything.

Post # 5
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2008

You’re absolutely right, you should not feel guilty about prioritizing your guest list. I think you should be kind but firm — go back to her and tell her that as much as you’d love having them attend, unfortunately you’re really limited by space and budget, and have decided to have a very small intimate "family only" wedding. Thank her for her kind gesture and for her friendship, and tell her that given the circumstances you could not in good conscience accept a gift from her.

 Or, you could just decide that paying an extra couple hundred bucks is worth it to keep their friendship and not hurt any feelings. There’s no wrong choice, it just depends on what you want to do.  

Post # 6
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Wow that’s tough!  Considering that you it’s your roommate I could see why he thinks he may be invited and you should definitely clear the air ASAP.  Miss Dragonfly said it very well.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

Is she the type that says things and never follows through?  ‘Cause if she is, then I’d just let it go…she’ll probably forget and there’s no weirdness.  But if she’s the type to actually act, maybe you should say something to the roommate first.  You’ve known him longer, and he can tell her that they’re not invited.

Post # 9
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

People can be crazy forward and rude!  My co-workers wife said something like ‘You’ll have to let us know as soon as you set a date so we can have it on our calendar’.  I was just thinking to myself – "why, you’re not invited".  As soon as the plans started coming together I was pretty vocal about it being a ‘small family wedding’ so people got the hint.  Some friends were definitely disappointed, but they understood.  The max we could have was 56!  We only invited 4 guests that were not related!

Post # 10
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

oooopps – my advice is to just be honest up front with people.  Better to disappoint them earlier rather than later.  In your case it may be best to have the talk with your roommate – he can pass the news along to his girlfriend.  Something like "I was surprised by girlsfriends comment the other day, this is kinda awkward – but I wanted to let you know now that due to budget, space, etc we just don’t have enough room on the guest list to invite everyone we know."  It’s hard to not come across rude in these situations.  But just best to get it out there and over with!

Post # 11
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

To be honest, even if I was not close with my roommate I would expect to be invited to the wedding.  It is more than a little rude not to invite someone you live with.  If you are moving out say 6 months or so before the wedding that is another story.  Your contact with your former roomate would be fairly minimal at that point.  If you are still sharing space  a month or 2 before the wedding then you should be inviting him.  If you live with a  person (unless there is a nasty breakup) within about 2 months of sending the invites you should invite them.

Post # 13
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

I disagree with tberry.  If you were invititing say 300 people to your wedding – then yes it may be rude not to invite a roommate.   But everyone’s wedding guest list has different priorities – for smaller weddings when you are already cutting some family and close friends to keep it small – you ARE NOT OBLIGATED to invite a roommate!  Again, this is your day – only invite those you want there 🙂

I had a roommate living with me for even a couple weeks after we got married – she was not invited to the wedding – I do not feel guilty.

Especially if you don’t feel like you’ll talk to this person after they move out – why would you even care if they are disappointed not to be invited?  A wedding invitation should never be expected!  Those who receive them should be grateful and happy to be included in your day!  🙂

Post # 14
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

So it seems like there might be two issues here: whether someone giving a gift is obligated to get an invitation & whether you’re obligated to invite a roommate.

On the first front, I would say to remember that a gift is never a ticket to an event (one of my favorite Emily Post maxims!). If somebody wants to offer a gift, that’s very nice of them. And technically, a seperate issue from whether or not they’re invited or attending the wedding (though the norm is generally those who are invited and/or attending also give a gift). But really, you can’t control whether someone chooses to give you a gift or not…

 

Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2007

I agree with Jilian, honesty is the best policy.  I just got got married, and a similar thing happened to us.  My co-worker got me a nice gift, but I did not plan to invite her to the wedding.  I thanked her for thinking of us, and explained that we had to keep the guest list short.  She appreciated my honesty and did not appear dissapointed at all (probably b/c now she didn’t have to pay to go to my wedding ;))

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