(Closed) Unwilling to adopt

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 63
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2007

I feel that for someone to adopt, it needs to be something they really genuinely want to do. It should never be a ‘last resort’ for someone that is infertile- it shouldn’t be the backup plan; if you adopt, you need to want to adopt regardless of being able to have your own biological children or not.

That’s just for me personally, though. I don’t want to adopt (DH doesn’t either), so if we can’t have biological children (which is a very likely possibility for us), we will just be a happily married childless couple.

Post # 64
Member
5272 posts
Bee Keeper

@allyfally:   I have always wanted to adopt. I have said it since I was young when I used to say I never ever wanted to be come pregnant lol. Things have changed and I would like to have one biological child of my own just for the experience and then adopt another child. Me and my husband have already dicussed that if we are not able to conceive naturally that we would not try IVF or fertility treatments so adoption is most definetly something we would seriously consider. I have a close friend that has been married for 5 years and has done IVF 4 times with no luck and she still hasnt even considered adoption so I guess for some people that option is just not for them

 

Post # 65
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

@allyfally:  I couldn’t agree with you more.  I don’t judge anyone for trying fertility treatments within reason, but I also think there is a line people can cross where it starts to get ridiculous.  They become so desperate and fixated that they lose touch with reason.  It’s sad to see. 

I want to add that I have adopted siblings and thank God that they are part of my family.  Most of the people on here spewing off about the negative aspects of adoption are ill informed and poorly educated on the subject.  Moreover, they have not experienced the beauty of adoption in a deep, personal, profound way.  They can justify how they feel and have every right to feel what they do about adoption, but that doesn’t make what they are saying accurate or well researched.  Many comments in this thread are flat out incorrect, but I won’t go to the trouble of highlighting them lest it be misconstrued as a personal attack. Some people are far too selfish to even be capable of loving a child that isn’t their own.  I am glad when these selfish people recognize that rather than adopt a child and treat the child poorly. 

Post # 66
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ruby-Redshoes:  “ETA: My last paragraph was very rude but I stand by my opinion, so you know what? I’m not going to delete it.”

Classy people make their points without being rude, and wise ones recognize that what they have to say is often far more impactful when delivered in a respectful, educated, dignified manner. 

 

Post # 67
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@FLBlonde93:  I’m pretty sure classy people don’t take it upon themselves to deliver sanctimonious lectures about class to strangers over the internet, so you’ll forgive me if I don’t take your advice. 

But you’re right – what I said was very rude and it is often best to be polite when expressing an opinion. However, I found the opinon behind this thread to be very rude and discompassionate, and I guess it sent me into a fit of rage. I try to be polite on here but I guess this time my temper got the best of me. 

Thanks for attempting to shame me and everyone who decides that adopting a child isn’t for them. Have a nice day. 

Post # 68
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@FLBlonde93:  I’m glad that adoption has worked out so well for your family. It isn’t the right choice for everyone though and that should be respected. For some people, having a biological connection is very important and I don’t think it’s entirely fair to judge them for that or judge people for not wanting to adopt based on prior experiences or what they have taken the time to learn about the adoption process. It might be different from your family’s experience, but it does not make those views or experiences any less valid. And it does not make anyone selfish for choosing not to adopt either.

However, there are people who try to adopt who become just as irrational as the people you mentioned who try fertility treatments countless times. When someone becomes so focused on just getting a child that they stop thinking about the kid’s best interest, that bothers me. A lot.

Honestly, I am quite capable of loving a child that is not my own (I’m guessing you mean biologically related). Based off what we have seen and learned (about the foster system and adoption in general) though, it just doesn’t feel like the right fit for me and my guy at the moment – then again, we don’t plan on trying until a year after we’ve been married, so that could always change.

Sorry this was wordy. I’m having a bit of trouble figuring out how to say what I feel. I guess the main idea for me is that I find adoption to be beautiful and wonderful when it’s done ethically and legally. If it isn’t then that’s when I oppose adoption. And yes, I’m well aware that most adoptions are done legally and ethically; the examples I cited earlier just make me extremely hesitant and uneasy about the process in general, but I have a great amount of respect for those people who do choose to adopt. It is not an easy process whatsoever and can be an emotional rollercoaster for everyone involved (not just the people looking to adopt). FWIW I have a bunch of cousins who were adopted, including a cousin who went through Hell in the foster system before he was adopted by my dad’s cousin.

Post # 69
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@FLBlonde93:  Your family had a great experience with adoption, and I’m genuinely happy for you and for them.  But as someone going through infertility treatments, who researched adoption before we started those treatments, I find the posts above that mention the drawbacks of adoption to be right on the money.  To say that we haven’t done our research (and are selfish??!!) is a slap in the face.  Not all adoptions have problems– some adoptive parents adopt from the first birthmother they were matched with with no last minute mind changes or other problems, and some foster care adoptions are the stuff of Hallmark happy endings.  But problems are common.  Very, very common.  Since this thread asks why someone might not want to adopt, its fair to discuss the negatives.  Honestly, as someone who has researched all of this (and my Godmother was a foster mother who adopted my Godsister, and had a whole bunch of foster kids), and then reads other threads talking about “just adopting” and making it sound so easy, I find this thread to be a bit of fresh air as I see that some people on the Bee actually do understand how hard adoption is.  We know a couple that adopted the cutest little girl ever to walk this earth.  But it took over 8 years, with several previous birthmother mind changes, and around $100,000 in fees (because you don’t get the cost of living money or legal fees back when she changes her mind) before they brought her home.  When I mention the little girl, her dad’s face lights up like I’ve never seen before.  I’m sure he thinks it was all worth it.  But from the outside, it makes me very hopeful that our IVF works and that I won’t have to go through the long anguish he and his wife did.  And regarding selfishness, as would-be first time parents without a background in that sort of thing, I don’t think Darling Husband and I could offer an older child with attachment issues the type of home s/he needs to thrive.  That doesn’t make me selfish.

Post # 70
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@allyfally:  Well I think it may not be so much that she is against adoption, but that she desires to experience pregnancy and having a baby she conceived? Personally that would be my reason for hesitating to adopt. I wanted to experience conceiving, growing, birthing and raising my own baby.

Post # 71
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

i haven’t read the entire thread so i apologize if i’m repeating.

i once said i was anti-adoption for myself in another thread and got RIPPED on. it still bothers me.

i am adopted. my brother is adopted. my adoptive mom is even adopted. also, my little sister gave her baby up for adoption 3 years ago. i have a lot of adoption experience, in that sense. i DO NOT want to adopt. AT ALL. i won’t even consider it (at this point in time – never say never, anything can change). If I am not able to have a biological child I will literally be DEVASTATED. it will take a long time for me to come to terms with it and recover from it. as silly and ridiculous as that might sound to an outsider… adoption just isn’t for me. i want my own biological child so desperately i can’t explain it. i want a child that i can look at and identify where they got what… growing up in a family that i didn’t look/act like made that very important to me, as irrational as it may be. that’s all i got…

Post # 72
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

When you set out to get pregnant,, unless you have had investigations previously, you think that the journey is going to end pretty soon, with a baby in your arms. When this doesn’t happen as easily as it does for some, you want answers, and may then pursue paths to get a baby. If intervention is the route chosen, then again you hope it is going to work. If it doesn’t work finding the right time to ‘admit defeat’ is difficult, and you need to effectively mourn the loss of the biological child you are never going to have. This is a difficult time, and the ‘just adopt’ line is not the answer. Maybe one day it will be, but just bear in mind that it is heartbreaking for some women not being able to have a child.

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