Post # 1
Thank you ladies for all your advice yesterday! Last night SO and I had a talk about the whole thing (which started about a bit rocky at first but ended calmly) and I am feeling better. He was initially still very adamant about it being 3 more years until a proposal and finally gave what I thought was a better reason (and one I never expected from him). SO does freelance audio work and has been making some great headway in his career this past years but was very sincere last night when he stated how important it was to him to be more established and stable in his position before he proposes. He also tied this in to how he wants us to be living somewhere nicer and he want to give me a really great proposal. I am still peeved that still carries this childish view that only people in their 30’s get married but at least now I feel like his reason for waiting is more solid and he brought the wait down to 2 years! I have also asked him to keep me in the loop and after a year if I feel that I can’t wait any longer he’s going to hear about! On a lighter hearted note he cannot believe it could possibly take 2 years to plan a wedding, his words were “Wars have been planned in a shorter amount of time!” Hahah, men!
So I will of course keep you all up to date and I will undoubtedly be doing my fair share of venting with you all in the mean time!
Post # 3
Ya i still would be ticked lol. His reasons are still not that important. Do you need the massive proposal or do you just want the committment? For me i just want the committment so i dont need him to be secure in his job field.
But as long as your ok with the timeline then just make sure he stays with it!
Post # 4
@Rush1986: I agree. I feel that if it’s the committment that you’re after, it shouldn’t really matter what’s going on in his career. But, what do I know. 😛
Post # 5
@Rush1986: To a man, stability is a HUGE thing.
Post # 6
@Rush1986: I agree with you. Personally the commitment is the most important thing in my opinion, not a flashy ring or big elaborate proposal. And I know men like being stable before they get married. But aren’t you already living together? If yes, what made him jump into that so fast without being stable first? If he can live with you, then why can’t he just sign the paperwork that says legally you’re his life partner since he’s already shown with his actions that you are? I don’t think the “I’m not stable enough” excuse is good enough in this situation.
Post # 7
@Tarheelgurl: totally agree. if he can live with you, joining your lives together. why is getting married a waiting game for him? technically you are doing everything as a married couple now, signing a license shouldnt take elaborate planning and what he considers stability.
this all ties in with what i said in the other thread about living together before marriage though. none of his reasons to wait are valid, i doubt every couple who weds is in top notch financial condition, Fiance and I arent. jmo
Post # 8
Agree with what the ladies said above. And if you were to get engaged in the next year or so, you’re still planning on getting married in another 2 years anyways, so it’s not like it’s a huge rush.
Post # 9
Of course (perhaps because I am not a man with all of these crazy weird set in stone requirements) I also don’t really get the whole needing to be ‘stable in my career first’ thing, but like SunFlower-Girl said I know its quite important to men so I am trying to be understanding. Though I will admit that in my less than rational voice I did whine a bit of a “but whyyyy do you need to be established?” to him. For me personally I could care less about having some big fancy proposal and I certainly don’t care about having some expensive ring, but if he feels he needs more job security than that’s his opinion. But like I said, I am not totally conceding to his wishes, if after a certain amount of time I feel I can’t wait anylonger he’s definitely going to hear about it, and then we’ll have to go from there.
Post # 10
@Gingernx01: I hate men! No jobs are ever 100% secure. I understand getting yourself set up for life, but ANYTHING can happen, and I bet if something happened to us tomorrow they’d regret not proposing sooner. Blah. Maybe a bit of an extreme example, but you know what I mean?
Post # 11
I was going to post in your previous thread but I would’ve just been repeating other Bees.
I’m really glad that you managed to have a productive discussion with your SO about your marriage timelines. Its a really tough topic to bring up, but its also sort of the first test in how a couple can communicate their needs with one another, respect those needs & reach a compromise. Very useful skill to have in a marriage, IMO.
Also, its very typical of guys to not totally understand what goes in to wedding planning. There’s another Bee on this forum who’s SO was shocked to find that many venues were booked for their already-set date a year away. Even my Fiance is dragging his feet with planning. He only started to clue in when I told him that we can’t use one venue idea he had, a famous museum in our city, because it books FIVE years in advance.
Post # 12
@Mrs.SleepyKitty: Yes but that is why we (women) are the superior race =p hehehe
But seriously, I agree with you 100%! Men just can’t see a situation from all of its angles.
@UsagiTsukino: Yup, they haven’t got a clue what all goes into planning a wedding these days. I know when the day finally comes to begin planning SO is probably only going to have the attention span to make a few decor choices before he smiles and tells me he’ll like whatever I choose. Hahah.
Post # 13
@Mrs.SleepyKitty: LMAO at your “I hate men” comment. Too funny! Yeah, men suck!!!
To the OP, 5 months into my relationship, I asked my SO when would be a good time to get married. He said he has to be done with school first, which was 3.5 years down the road! I bit my tounge to avoid “pressuring” him but I panicked. I will be 35 when he graduates, and who knows if my ovaries are too dusty to give him any kids by then, assuming we start trying immediately after grauduation/marriage?!?! Best case scenario would be that I get pregnant right away, give birth at 36 and if he ever wants any more kids after that, it would be a gamble.
About 3 weeks later I told him about my worries. I told him at this point in my life, it doesn’t make sense to make everything so linear. I asked him if it’s possible he can go for his degree AND get married/try for a child at the same time. He’s only in school 3-6 hours per week. Why can’t he have a wife while he’s in school? He said he would re-consider. When I told him about my declining fertility after age 30, he said he would give it some thought.
I also had to go out on a limb and tell him in a vulnerable way that if a man needs 3+ years to decide if he wants to marry me or not, it will affect my self esteem because I won’t feel like he’s excited to marry me. He saw things from my perspective and he will probably propose in the next year now, and definitely before our 2 year anniversary, given my age.
How old are you?
Post # 14
@Mrs. Harmony: Given your situation it sounds like you have even more reason than me to be impatient, so I really hope everything works out for you!
To responed to your moral/advice of the story, trust me I have revealed even my most vulnerable reasons to him in our discussions and believe it or not he has actually come down a bit. What I had forgotten (or chosen not to hear) and he reminded me of last night was that he used to be even more of a loon and wanted to wait until his mid 30s (translation: 15 years into the relationship!) I think he quickly realized early on that there was no way I was going to stand for that so in his mind he was compromising with 30. I’ve persuaded him down to 29, but for me 28 would be ideal. (He’s currently 25 and I am 23, we’ve been together for 4 years).
I suspect his cousin (who’s his age and who he thinks also won’t want to marry his girlfriend also of almost 4 years, until his 30s) may propose soon, in which case he may come more to his senses. But really at this point I think it would be silly to argue about it further since its just a years difference.