(Closed) Update: 3 months after seperating

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

you are so strong!  I’m glad you are adjusting well and I wish you the best 🙂

Post # 3
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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dannielle89:  I’m so glad you updated, I don’t have any advice for you, but my heart went out to you after reading your posts a few months ago. I’m sorry there has been ups and downs but overall it sounds like you’re moving in a positive direction for you. I hope you don’t mind me bringing this up, but I also hope your depression is better too? (As a fellow Bee with depression, I related to you!) Hopefully if you post again in a few months work and dating will become even more clear or normal. I know it must be scary finding a new way but you sound very resilient to me!

Post # 4
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes, you need to learn to spend time with yourself. Jumping straight into dating after a big break up (especially a marriage) is generally a bad idea. You need time SINGLE as in completely single, not dating, not thinking about dating, not flirting, NADA. Thats how you get to know yourself and keep from making the same mistake twice.

If you need company get a pet. I was single for three years solid after a less than happy relationship and having a kitty to snuggle was so stupidly comforting. Get to know yourself. Its okay to be single, its okay to be lonely. Just remember, in the future, its likely that a close relationship with your ex could get confusing for both the two of you and any future partners you might have. Stop depending on him. Its not healthy and it wont help you find yourself. 

Post # 5
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Hello. It’s good to hear that you’re trying to move forward with things. I hope things work out with the beauty therapy and your job. Looking for a different role and more responsibility is a great idea and it will help keep you occupied as you adjust. 

However I think you’re really doing yourself a disservice by dating again so soon. You just said you don’t know who you are without your ex and it’s only been three months since you two split up. That’s no time at all. Please, please, PLEASE give yourself time to be alone and get to know who you are as an individual before you get into another relationship. You should be devoting all your energy to taking care of yourself and feeling good about yourself. Date yourself. Learn to love YOU. It’s okay to be alone. Yes, you’ll be lonely and it will be a big adjustment but you deserve to take some time for yourself. Why don’t you try out a new hobby? Maybe do something you wouldn’t normally do like join a pottery class or a book club or volunteer. You could learn so many new things about yourself and unlock parts of you that you didn’t know existed. Maybe try to do things that you’ve always wanted to that your ex husband had no interest in. That will keep you busy and it will allow you to meet new people who you can cultivate a relationship with. Don’t worry about men or dating. You’re 25. They aren’t going anywhere. Please focus on getting to a good, healthy place and cultivate your relationship with yourself. That way, when you do eventually get into another relationship, the odds will be better because you’ll be a healthy, happy individual who is dating because you WANT to, not just because you’re afraid to be alone.

Remember, whatever happens in life, the only person you”re guaranteed to spend your whole life with is you so you NEED to love yourself and be able to be alone, regardless of what happens romantically. Also while it’s good that you and your ex are on good terms, I imagine that talking every day would make it even harder for you to move on from your relationship.

Post # 6
Member
47440 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m glad that overall things are going fairly well for you. I too agree that dating should be saved for later. I think you have to be comfortable wiht yourself before you can establish a realationship with someone else. If you’re just looking for company and things to do, try meetup groups where you live. You can meet people who are looking for activity partners not just hookups.

Post # 7
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee

((hugs))   I am so glad you provided an update!  Girl it’s only been 3 months so don’t be so hard on yourself.  You are doing fantastic and have accomplished a lot in a short amount of time!

Break-ups suck butt so much.  The best thing to do when you feel that pain, loneliness, and emptiness is to  1.)  engage in an activity that gets you moving (this one is hard for me too since I prefer to curl up in a ball and not get out of bed for days).  When my DH and I broke-up (while dating) I was so depressed and the empty lost feeling was unbelievably overwhelming, I felt exhausted forcing myself to hangout with people and to smile and be social. What little energy I had to get myself out of bed was not enough to see me through social situations.  But the activities that I found were okay were ones where we were all busy doing something together that didn’t require much talking.  I went on a lot of walks, hikes, and tours in my town where I was with people but I didn’t have the pressure to talk, yet we were active enough that I was able to release some endorphins from being physical.

2.)   Help someone/people who are suffering and in more pain than you.  It’s great to be around friends/family who are happy and into their own lives, but I found myself feeling so left out and alone in my pain and emptiness when I was around them.  I actually joined a chairty group that helps collect clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. for women and children who are victims of rape and domestic violence.  I can’t tell you how much it puts your life in perspective when you help people who are worse off then you, and are experiencing pain that is more severe then yours.  This was probably the best thing I could have done to help alleviate my depression and loneliness.

3.)  Join a fun group or activity that helps you express yourself and you can LAUGH (the best heartbreak medicine).  On a whim, I joined an Improvisation acting class because I was tired of going to group activities where people are fake polite & it’s awkward unless you force yourself to be social which didn’t help since I didn’t feel social or upbeat.  Being in that improv class really helped me just be who I was, and there was no pressure from anyone else since we all could be whoever we wanted to be and part of the class was unconditionally supporting each other’s expressions.  I actually met one of my bestest girl friend in that class and it helped me heal tremendously being able to express myself in a creative way.

4.)  Finally engage in doing inner personal growth work on yourself and your spirituality.  As Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem by thinking on the same level that it was created in.”  If marriage and having an extraordinary relationship is important to you, then you need to change yourself and become a better stronger woman than you were in your previous marriage.  If you stay stuck and don’t grow/evolve & continue to engage in the same behaviors that ended your relationship, then you will continue to attract the same type of men like your ex-DH and your relationships will mimic all the problems of your prev marriage.

I hope some of these suggestions help you.  I heard ALL of the typical normal advice that people give when you are going through a break-up, but most of them never helped me.  If anything, it made me feel my pain and emptiness even more.

Lots of hugs.  You WILL get through this.  This pain is not forever.  You are meant to have great love in your life and there is a man who is waiting for you who wants to give you everything you desire.   xoxoxo

Post # 8
Member
3384 posts
Sugar bee

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dannielle89:  I remember reading your old posts before I actually had joined WB, and I’m happy to hear you are doing better.  It sounds like you are very insightful on what is good/working for you, and I encourage you to follow it!  Yes, dating does fill the void of being lonely, but it also sometimes prevents us from taking time to heal ourselves.  Be kind to yourself, you have made so much progress!

Post # 9
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

 

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dannielle89:  I have a few ideas that might help because believe me,life after marriage/engagement ending etc gets much better than what you are experiencing now.

1) First of all, definitely go to a therapist once or twice every week. What you are going through is grief. You deserve professional support. This is crucial to figuring out who you are. You will be surprised at the new friends, love and life that will come your way after awhile in counseling. Plus you need another close bond.

2) figure out careers that pay enough to live alone, buy a house, travel up a storm. Pursue them!

3) I disagree with the Bees that say don’t date yet. What about if your ex starts dating? You will feel much better and keep a better friendship with him if you don’t close the dating door. Go out and do fun things on your dates. Don’t go far sexually if you aren’t feeling it yet. It’s obvious you still love your ex.

 

4) don’t neglect any bills or student loans. Think ahead 

 

keep us posted and feel free to pm me

 

Post # 10
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

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dannielle89:  You sound like you are approachingthisin a very smart way, with your head and notyour heart. Good for you. You sound like you are a very together lady. The only thing I find concerning about your post is the term “semi platonic” concerning your exhusband. What does that mean exactly?

I’d slow down on the dating. I also wouldn’t make any big moves at work just yet. I like your idea about taking a class. What about a bookclub or exercise class? Maybe find one thatmeetson Friday nights? 

Post # 11
Member
5081 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

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dannielle89:  That’s great that you are doing well. I actually don’t think that dating is necessarily a bad thing, but getting into a relationship probably is. I don’t see the harm in going on a few fun dates, it’s a major confidence boost to see that other people are interested in you and that your ex wasn’t the end all be all. I also wouldn’t use up all of time dating so that you aren’t ever alone with yourself. You need to learn to be ok by yourself without being cripplingly lonely, this comes more naturally to some than others. The think that concerned me most was this “semi-platonic” relationship with your best friend ex. Talking to your ex everyday and being “semi-platonic” doesn’t seem like a healthy way to figure out who you are without him. I had a relationship of 6 years end and tried to do this as well and it backfired big time and only caused more pain. What happens when he is dating someone new and stops calling you everyday or at all? It will be like breaking up all over again. I don’t think that you should be relying on him emotionally right now, you need to be you without him. If eventually when you are healed from this loss and completely over it, you want to have a completely platonic friendship with him, fine, but right now you can’t have that. 

Post # 12
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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dannielle89:  I’ve never been in your shoes but it sounds like you are making all the right moves! Very strong woman! I can say that I was single for most of my 20s and it was the best time of my life. While it’s hard when you have friends that are in healthy relationships you actually have the opportunity to do so much they might not be able to. Go out and meet some single friends (guys or girls) and be adventurous 😉 … Great ways to meet people ade through the meetup.con groups or local socoal groups. Some cities have kickball teams or some other sport. And you dont have to be good!! I am a bit of a workaholic and when I was single had a second “fun job” as a cocktail server … Not many hours and I loved going and meeting new people. Travel travel travel!!!  Maybe Volunteer?! There’s so much out there to do and you don’t need a man or a partner to do it … And who knows, maybe a new “best friend” will pop out of no where! 

lots of bees with lots of great advice!! 

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