Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2020 - City, State
i didn’t think I would get so many responses so quickly but I want to say thank you all so much for the advice and words. My SO has encouraged me to go to therapy and reconnect with my friends for the past 2 years. He approached me today and said he’s really worried about my physical and emotional well-being.
I have accepted responsibility in my part for cutting off friends and not being active. I’m aware it’s not all his fault.
I spoke to him a few minutes before writing this and told him I am tired of my having to compromise and abiding by his timeline and that I will not stand for this anymore and will not wait until May 18th to talk. (I’m not sure why he picked that date in particular to be honest) We agreed to talk this Sunday 4/21 because of Passover/Easter/my birthday prior commitments. I will update on Sunday how this goes.
As for therapy, since I have coverage through work I will certainly look into this first thing Monday morning. He is scared for me since his father had depression and took his own life and I don’t want to add to that. And you’re all right; any man would be lucky to call me his wife. Your comments have given me the confidence to take my life back and I will start with seeking professional help and laying all of my cards out on the table for my SO on Sunday.
Post # 2
vballercm : so glad you have a plan op! Keep us updated. We’re here for you!
Post # 3
Good for you bee! Keep us posted. You’re going to get through this.
Post # 4
Id like to hear updates after this weekend! Best of luck! remember, maybe he wasnt ready to put money down for a ring at those before times…most men think about marriage in general, but dont thnk about the steps and ring, and saving and etc in specific. hopefully he’s ready now!
Post # 5
Glad to hear your update bee!
It sounds like you need a fresh start and hopefully therapy can be the catalyst for that. It may be best for you to move on from this guy, and having a therapist for support may give you the strength to do that.
If it works out with this guy, you will still have the vital tools you need to take better care of yourself and to put your health and happiness first, no matter what. Keep us posted!
Post # 6
vballercm : Good luck, OP!
Post # 7
vballercm : so what happened op after you spoke yesterday????
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2020 - City, State
We spoke and I didn’t mince words at all.
I told him that I was frustrated and tired of the never ending audition for the role of mother and wife. I also explained why marriage is important to me. I asked for his ideas on marriage and said it’s important to him and it’s something he’s always wanted. I asked him point blank if it’s happening and why he’s not ready. He said he’s not sure why he’s not ready but it will happen this year. When I told him that I set a walk date because I refuse to be his girlfriend forever, he broke down and apologized for making me feel unwanted and unloved and he thought he was doing good by giving me space to think. I did not tell him the date and he didn’t ask what it was out of respect for each other.
He said he will be better and make sure to tell me and show me everyday that I’m loved, that he wants more than anything to make me his wife and that it will happen this year. I told him that we will no longer avoid the situation or conversation and he needs to understand why I may ask to talk about it often just to ease my mind. He said he is not worried about the cost of ring, it’s not because of his job or salary or the vows and planning process. I think it’s the idea of the actual wedding and all the attention on us. He’s not the type that likes all eyes on him. But we are on much better standing and he’s working on planning a cross country road trip for us this summer. He says he’s going to make sure I feel more loved and supported especially since today is my birthday. He has also urged me to go to counselling, which I will do.
Post # 9
Good for you for voicing your needs, Bee!!
And frankly, despite his earlier waffling, it sounds as though your SO really does have your wellbeing in mind. Try to take him at his word about it happening this year, just for the sake of your peace of mind. Maybe continue to check in with him every once in a while (you could even schedule check-in dates with him ahead of time—unromantic, but reassuring), just so you’re not tying yourself in knots about what’s going on inside his head 🙂
Post # 10
vballercm : So proud of you for sticking to your guns and really saying what was on your mind. Honestly that is fantastic. I am sure that took a lot of courage and I am so glad you stood up for yourself. Please keep us all updated!
Post # 11
vballercm : I’m glad you were brave and spoke your mind op. Proud of you! He does sound caring.
I do have concerns that he is STILL unable/ unwilling to articulate exactly *why* he is “not ready” at your ages and this many years into the relationship. Yet he is promising it will happen this year? Clearly he is only *hoping* he’ll want to, and is just trying to buy even more time. Hope is not a plan….What exactly does he need to know/do/see to be “ready”? He advised you to get counseling (great advice) but what is he doing to get *himself* “ready” while asking you to wait even longer?
Post # 12
OP, I’m so happy for you! Finding your voice again must feel great. I think PP has a really good point. Your boyfriend literally kicked the can down the road for another 8 months. He still hasn’t been able to articulate his thinking, or explain how he’s going to get himself ready to do so.
Post # 13
Believe it when you see it, not befoe.
Post # 14
vballercm : Just reading your post and ealised that today is May 18. Any update on the talk planned for this day bee?
Post # 15
They already talked. Now he’s busy showing her how much he loves and values her in ways that don’t include an engagement ring or commitment.