(Closed) Update after infidelity and a question for those of you that have experienced it

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you forgiven someone who cheated?
    No : (26 votes)
    28 %
    Yes - And I wish I hadn't : (29 votes)
    31 %
    Yes - and I'm glad I did : (13 votes)
    14 %
    Still with this guy? What the heck are you thinking! : (25 votes)
    27 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    8937 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    brokenheartedbee :  It was crystal clear from the very first post, and every one after that, that you would be staying with this guy. Keep telling yourself whatever you need to to feel ok about it. You don’t need my permission or approval. It’s sad to see is all.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee

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    brokenheartedbee :  I’m glad you are in a better place now lovely. I think every situation is different, I certainly know people who have been able to move on from it (including my parents). It sounds like you’ve done everything and he’s been patient, only you know whether you can move on from it. If you can, don’t let anyone judge you or your decisions. 

     

    x

    Post # 36
    Member
    4111 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

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    brokenheartedbee :  I wasn’t going to comment until I saw your update, and I just had to say that 

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    Daisy_Mae :  does not sugar coat. She tells it like it is, whether you like it or not, her opinion (which is what you asked for) was warning you that it was probably not in your best interest to be staying with a boyfriend who not only cheated on you but who LIED. TO. YOUR. FACE. REPEATEDLY for a long time.

    Yes, it is your choice whether you want to give him a second chance, but other Bees (including myself) did notice that you were attempting to minimize what happened in your other thread, probably because you love him and it’s understandable that you be tempted to defend him…I really do get it….

    Plenty of Bees on this thread have given you advice from experience that this is most likely not a good idea but you are upset about the delivery… It’s the Internet and people are going to say how they feel and disagree, it’s the nature of the beast.

    We all wish you luck and are hoping you are part of the 10% who have chosen to stay with someone who is a changed person. I truly hope that’s the case for you. I know I could never get past it. EVERYTIME I look at him I would see her face…and it would never end. And I could never stay….

    Post # 38
    Member
    8937 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    brokenheartedbee :  But you really did though. You really did spend 10 pages defending him and explaining away why he cheated on you. Everyone said “RUN!” a year ago, and you stayed. Everyone’s saying “RUN” now, and you’re giving every indication that you’re staying. You throw in things like “I haven’t decided yet, you’re giving me something to think about” so you can pretend to yourself that you’re considering all options, but it’s clear you’ve made up your mind. Which you’re allowed to do, but it’s weird that you came back with the same question a year later and you’re saying all the same things again. We’re now up to 3 pages of you defending him and explaining why his cheating was your fault and ended up good for your relationship. What’s different? You asked how to get past those voices and doubts, and my advice is don’t.

    Post # 39
    Member
    1013 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I understand your situation, I was in a similar situation myself. I think most people have the very best intentions when they to try to make it work after infidelity. But I just could not let it go. Occasionally wondering in the back of my mind when the next time was going to be, despite his always good behaviour. These thoughts/feelings were not an everyday or even every month occurrence but they never ceased completely. So I decided to end the relationship. Deep down, I finally realised after a lot of soul searching and being honest with myself that I really hadn’t 100% forgiven him 4 years after the fact so it was probably never going to happen. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    325 posts
    Helper bee

    I also wasn’t going to comment but after reading your updates, I became really sad. This was something I used to say when I was trying to justify a shitty relationship. And I would blame myself or take the blame off of him, etc. I let a man make me feel shitty enough about myself that I forgave him for sleeping around on me. I told myself it wasn’t his fault, I didn’t tell him I loved him right away or I was too flirty with other men, etc. I took him back and guess what? He cheated on me and started dating the girl. That’s the one I found out about instantly. Months later I found out he slept with my friend. After that I realized I couldn’t forgive a cheater ever again. 

    A man shouldn’t make you feel that way. You had an emotional affair and it’s just as wrong. Honestly if you’re doing all that why are you staying with him? You’re both clearly not happy and yes I read your thread before, still think the same thing. He isn’t worth it. It doesn’t have to do with him being your boyfriend but as someone you’ve only been with for two years. Walk away. Do not forgive someone who cheated on you constantly. It’s one girl you know about but most likely he admitted to that one, chances are he slept with a few more. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1350 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

    I was in a long-term (almost 9 years!) relationship with someone who ended up cheating on me. When I found out, I was heartbroken, but I had been with him so long, I didn’t know what to do or who I was without him. I wrote him a letter, explaining how I felt and the 3 things he’d need to do within a month in order to try to rebuild our relationship, and then asked him to move in with his parents for that month. He did move into his parents’ house, but after a month, he confessed he hadn’t done any of the 3 things I had asked (one of which was STOPPING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OTHER WOMAN), but he still wanted a chance with me. I told him I might consider it if he stopped talking to her then and there, and he couldn’t. So I left him.

    I don’t regret my decision at all. It allowed both of us to learn about ourselves and what we want out of our lives, and I think we are happier now, in our current relationships, than we had been for those 9 years. I think if your boyfriend has changed for the better and you’re truly happy now, you can move past the hurt (even if it takes longer than expected).

    Post # 43
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m posting (again). I think if you genuinely can forgive and move on and think it’s worth it, then more power to you. But if youre not married and no kids then I think you should really consider whether it’s worth it? Also, don’t be surprised if it happens again. You can’t control him or his behaviour, only your reaction to it. Good luck love x

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