(Closed) Update::: Calling off engagement and relationship of 9 years.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Im sorry you are dealing with this. Love yourself a little more right now and realize this guy isn’t for you. anyone who leaves you in a state of anxious despair waiting for him to make his decision on whether or not he wants to be with you is a disgusting pig!  do yourself a favor and leave this guy go and find yourself again. HUGS to you!

Post # 4
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That’s so sad, I’m sorry. I think that if he loved you and wanted to be with you he would know, not need all this time to think about it. 

Post # 5
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You need to tell people the wedding is off so they know to stop sending gifts.  Those beautifully wrapped gifts are going to make you feel bad every time you see them come in.

Take some time to figure out who you are.  Dont sit around waiting for his answer, make some decisions for yourself.

Post # 6
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t let him have all the power and just sit there passively waiting for his answer. All it does is reinforce in your mind that you’re nothing without him and can’t be happy without him, which isn’t true. I’ve been there, done that and would never do it again. Figure out what YOU want and who YOU are! Never give the guy all the power. It angers me when guys pull a powerplay like this and make the girl wait around for their “answer”. And IMO, the answer is never what you want it to be. If it takes a long time for him to give you his answer, he’s already given it.

Post # 7
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@butterfly1988:  I think what he’s doing, giving you hope about getting back together, is very cruel.  It’s obvious that this is NOT the right relationship for you… because you deserve a man that will LOVE you 100% and know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  And you are young, you’ve never even dated anyone else.

I know how hard this hurts… I went through a terrible break up that I thought I couldn’t survive…. and two months later, I met my Fiance.  You WILL meet the right man, I promise.  Do NOT take this guy back, he does not deserve your love.  It’s clear that he doesn’t want to marry you, for whatever reason.  This is not going to get better with time.  You don’t want to get married and then in 2 years be facing a divorce.  It’s so much easier for you to split up now.  It’s clear he wants to move on… let him go.  Take the decision out of his hands.  I promise you will not regret it. 

Post # 8
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You need to break up with him. Even if he ‘chooses you’, you still wont have an identity. You will always feel dependent on him to define yourself. It will be the toughest thing you will ever do, but when you look back you will realize just how great a decision it was.

 

Post # 9
Member
2685 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry!  The best advice I can give is no matter what he decides, you must find a way to move forward.  Start doing things for yourself and yourself alone.  If you don’t know what those things are, just try new things in general.  If you learn who you are, it will be easier to love who you are.  I also encourage you to stick with therapy on your own.  Just talking with someone can be so helpful in this situation.

I was in a relationship for 2 years similar to yours.  I couldn’t figure out how to function when the time came for us to break up, we were just so intertwined.  I spent about a year focusing on my career, my friends, and my personal life in general.  I got back into dating and discovered what I wanted out of a relationship and what worked for me.  And then I met my Fiance who is without question the right person to spend my life with.  Whatever happens with your current relationship, spend some time on yourself and you’ll be happier for it.

Post # 10
Member
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@butterfly1988:  my advise, take back control of your life.  it is completely unfair for your fi to make you wait.  when guys say that, they are usually testing the waters to see if there is something better out there for them.

start living for yourself.  keep yourself busy.  join some groups or clubs.  make some new friends.  move forward. 

if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen naturally.

Post # 11
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@KoiKove:  I agree. You need to separate in order to find out who you are. Successful relationships need two “complete” people who compliment each other. It sounds like this relationship defines who you are and neither of you will find happiness under this scenario. I know that right now its hard to imagine being happy without him but I’ve been where you are. I took a year to myself to rediscover myself and it was the best year and best investment in me that I’ve ever made. 

 

Post # 12
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Pand0ra:  I think we’ve all been there. I didn’t have really long relationships when I was younger ( usually 6 months), but at the end I would realize I didn’t know who I was. I was just so happy that somone liked me, I morphed into what they wanted.

Best book that would remind me that I needed to be a whole person is a children’s book called “The Missing Piece Meet the Big O”

Post # 13
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@butterfly1988:  Hughs to you!!  Believe me, I’ve been there (not in such a long relationship, but in a pretty intense one).  It sucks to realize you are not the one, and it sucks to realize you’ve stopped being who you are while trying super hard “to be the one”.  You need to work on yourself and when you do so, along the way, someone will come and see how perfect you are for him.  

I wish you the best and stop waiting for him.  Make your decision.  

Post # 14
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry you’re going through this..I wish you so much strength right now!  Anyway, do not get back together with him.  He said he is not happy with you…I would never entertain a relationship with someone who said that to me, period.  

You should also tell your parents and the guests that the wedding is off.  And if you can afford it, you should take a trip with a few girlfriends, just to get away from everything.  Once you return, engage in finding yourself…acquire a few hobbies, go back to school, or do some more traveling…just anything to find YOU and keep your mind off of your ex-FI.

Post # 15
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sorry you’re dealing with this! I hope you get over him quickly and move on with your life easily!

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