(Closed) UPDATE: dad diagnosed with lung cancer that has spread to his brain

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Don’t feel guilty!  So many issues will come up over the course of your lives, you are there to support each other.  How are you holding up?

Post # 4
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ashley050406:  SO MANY HUGS!!!!!  I am so so sorry you are going through this.  My dad passed away from brain cancer a few years ago.   I was not living at home during this time, so while it’s not the same, I have some inkling of what you might be feeling.

Coping is different for everyone…. But my suggestion is to try to stay positive and spend as much time as you can with your dad.  Remember though, when you’re feeling down that it’s ok to cry or ask for help.  From the sounds of it, you have a great Fiance on your hands… some people might hesitate to invite their Father-In-Law into their homes under normal circumstance, let alone a situation so challenging and emotionally charged.  Your Fiance (and friends/family) are all there to support you.

Feel free to PM if you ever need an ear/shoulder!

Post # 5
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

Im really sorry for everything that is going on with your dad. Cancer sucks and im sorry your having to go through this 

 

I do this “you should be with someone else who is less hassle than me” and “you may get tired of our relatioship with all this going on” thing to my Fiance sometimes and it drives him crazy!! It makes him sad that I dont want to just come to him when I need him as its what hes there for. He also asked me to put the shoe on the other foot and think about how id feel if he was the one talking about me going off and finding someone else in his time of need, I think it would make me very worried and insecure.

 

Youre marrying him for better or for worse and he knows this ….trust him

Post # 6
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Oh huh, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.  Honestly I think you are just emotional from what you are going through with your dad, and understandably so!  I know I’m a functioning basket case when my dad has been real sick (he has MS).

You said “I feel guilt because my fiancé has been so supportive and offered my dad to come live with us”.  Life happens and all sorts of bad things can happen to a couple and part of getting married is helping to share hardship and burdens.  If this hadn’t happened now something, sooner or later, would and one of you would likely be feeling guilt for how supportive the other is… but that’s what he’s there for!

It sounds like he had a choice so it’s not even like you sprung it on him “Oh, hi honey, I moved dad in while you were at work, hope you don’t mind!” :).  Please try not to feel guilty (easier said than done I know).  Tell him you feel guilty if you haven’t and listen to him when he replies.  He’d likely say “I want to, I care, I want to help, he’ll feel loved here, etc”.

I understand why you feel how you do, but don’t let it get the better of you! My Darling Husband could have found someone who isn’t allergic to everything scented, but he didn’t.  He has had to make changes (won’t bore you with the details).  And I feel guilty about it, rarely but it happens.  I mean he’s stuck dealing with it and he doesn’t have to be, but he says “I do if I want to be with you!”.

Post # 7
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Huge huge hugs, so sorry 🙁 I know there is nit way to “get over” guilt, but you are going to take vows with this man that should be for good times and bad times, I think it is great that he has stepped up and been so supportive, I am proud of him and happy that you have such a wonderful man in your life. At least your dad has the security of how wonderful a man your future husband is, I know my dad thinks this of my Fiance and it makes him happy to know I am loved. I wish there was something I could do, but I wish you the best in this difficult situation, love from afar

Post # 8
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

I am so very sorry to hear about your news.  I helped care for my fantastic Mother-In-Law when she was dying of breast cancer.

A few thoughts for you:

1.  Lose the guilt.  If it were your FI’s parent would you go anywhere?  Would you stay and help and know it was the right thing?  I’m betting you would.  Quite frankly, this is something that could come up in a marriage and requires that kind of support for your spouse.  Your Fiance is willingling standing by your side AS HE SHOULD, and as you would do if it were him.  These are the kind of things that come up in a marriage and this is when you dig your heels in and do what needs to be done.

2.  Don’t treat dad like a cancer patient, treat him like Dad.  That was SO important to my Mother-In-Law and made a true difference in each day we had left with her.

3.  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  This is a biggie.  ASK for help.  Look outside for some help to come in to assist with your dad.  You need to make sure you get good rest, eat good healthy meals, and get some exercise – a nice brisk walk can work wonders.  If you don’t take care of yourself, you will be unable to help care for him.

4.  Does your dad qualify for hospice care at this point?  I don’t know how this all works in Canada but if you can get hospice nurses to help they are a tremendous God send.

I am so sorry for  your situation and I do know how hard this is.  Let your Fiance stand beside you and help hold you up while you go through this.  Your turn will come for him one day too.

Post # 9
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

@hermom:  +100000000 to all of this. Especially hospice. The staff are amazing, kind, and really helped us with the entire process. 

@ashley050406:  

I helped to care for my FI’s sister in her last 8 months before she lost her battle to cancer. 

I live in Eastern Canada. His sisters doctors got us in touch with a hospice team and they really look after everything. For peace of mind you might want to consider a Life Alert, etc. It really isn’t for your Dad as much as it will be for you whenever you go out to run errands. It gave my Fiance peace of mind so it might give you the same. 

Lean on people. You are going to need to take time to take care of yourself or else you will burn out. It will be hard to focus on your needs but it will make you a more attentive daughter, and Fiance. Give yourself a break. You have nothing to prove and don’t need to be a ‘tough guy’. Let your Fiance look after you because it will help make him feel ‘useful’. 

Because you Fiance told your Dad to come live with you I have a feeling he and I have a similar opinion about becoming a caregiver. He loves you which means he loves your father and just wants to be there for you. He will want to do whatever he can to take the pain away and the last thing he will want you to do is worry about him or feel guilty. You feel useless when you are watching the one you love hurt and you know that there is no way you can take the pain away. He sounds like an amazing guy and is really showing his devotion when you need him. Becoming a caregiver is the definition of ‘for better or for worse’ because you will experience all of the emotions. If you verbalize your feelings to him he can probably put you at ease better then any of us can. 🙂 When you let go of the guilt you can focus on enjoying the precious moments you’ll have with your Dad. 

It takes a strong, amazing person to be a caregiver and I think it deepens a relationship. By watching my Fiance with his sister I learned that he will literally be there in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, all of it. You are taking on a lot, but it also says so much about your character. 

Do not feel guilty. You are doing a beautiful, amazing, and loving thing. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. 

 

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