- 4 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
This is an update to this thread.
Thank you everyone for all your support and advice in the last thread. After much discussion, FH and I decided to go to the diner together – and we did last night.
1. Back in March, when FH proposed and we were engaged, we visited the FILs to let them know of our engagement and our wish to be married in the autumn
2. FILs said that they do not accept our engagement, refused to meet my parents when I offered (saying that since my parents accept us and our ways, they must have same mindset so therefore there’s no point/need to meet them is what the FILs said). They also asked me if I was pregnant and that’s why we wanted to “rush marriage” (told them in March that we want to get married in November…I would be giving birth by then). They cursed their son out for choosing a girl over family, etc. FSIL’s wedding was supposedly set in October (she changed around her date quite a lot, and we found out about the October date right after we decided on our November date), and FILs insisted that there can be no two weddings in one year, because it’s bad luck.
3. FH and I told my parents that the FILs refused to meet with the parents (in Korea, parents meet before wedding to discuss about the date, how to set up an engagement party, etc). My parents said, since they refused, we should just go ahead and do what we feel is right. We decided to push our wedding till January, so we give FILs the peace of mind of not having two weddings in one year at least.
4. FMIL constantly called FH, they yelled at each other, and in May, FH annouced to his family that he does not want to talk to them anymore because all they do is yell and nothing gets accomplished. He said that he will work on the wedding for January regardless, and told FMIL to focus on his sister’s wedding in October.
5. FH has been ignoring all calls, emails, etc from his family since, till last night’s dinner. He has not been to his parents’ house either.
Dinner lasted about an hour and half, and it ended with FH & FMIL arguing, and with FMIL yelling.
Our purpose of going to the dinner was:
1. To find out about FSIL’s wedding. We did not receive any save the date or invitation. We couldn’t tell if we were invited or not.
2. To find out about FH’s relatives’ addresses in the U.S.
FMIL sits down, and the first question she asks is “so what did you want to talk about?” We were a bit taken back, because she was the one who sent an email saying “we got the invitation. Let’s talk. Meet me at a diner.”
FH asked back why she wanted to see us and what’s going on with his sister’s wedding, and FMIL gave him the “are you asking because you want to come? Are you going to come if you knew?” and he said “of course” and she asked “are you just saying that because you have to even though you don’t want to, or really because you want to?”
After FH telling her that he wants to several times, she told us that the wedding is next Saturday in LI. FH asked where and what time, and she wouldn’t answer. Instead, she asked why FH didn’t come to FFIL’s friend’s funeral. Then she went into a whole detail about how the FFIL’s “best friend” collapsed in front of him and then passed away, and now FFIL is seeing a psychologist. She grilled FH over not coming to the funeral the entire dinner.
Then she said that the older sister’s wedding has been postponed, because her fiance’s younger brother passed away from cancer (I don’t understand why she said the wedding is next Saturday then). She said that she herself asked the wedding to be postponed. She then asked what FH would do in the same case, and FH said that he would still go ahead with the wedding. When FMIL didn’t get the answer she wanted from FH, she turned to me and asked the same question. I said I would ask my fiance and if he wants to postpone the wedding, then respect his decision – but not have my mom postpone it.
Then she said, but that’s not why she came out – she wanted to come out with peaceful, good mind, and tell FH to forget all that has happened in the past and start new. She said that she was planning on meeting me separately few days later, for the same reason. Then she grilled us about how we can mail the invitation to her instead of calling, and how the parents aren’t meeting before the wedding, and how come we didn’t tell them anything about the details (why we didn’t see the wedding venue with them), etc etc etc. FH said how could he, when his parents refused our engagement and only yelled at him whenever he called.
I then told her that back in March, “when we told you that we are engaged and offered to meet my parents, you rejected” and suddenly she said “What? You two are engaged? I didn’t know that! When? I would’ve totally been nicer if I had known.”
We were both speechless at that point.
We told her again that we told them that we were engaged back in March, and she insisted that she didnt know. Then she asked me “oh, is that why you were crying when you left? I was wondering why, because I thought the conversation ended well.”
(WHAT! WHAT?!…was what FH and I were screaming in our heads.)
Then she was like how can you two have an engagement with out family, how can you (me) not say hi to the in-laws and in-laws’ relatives, you must do Korean traditional wedding, parents must meet (but then she said she wants to meet my mom alone. Which I do not know why, because “traditionally”, entire family, including us, meet together), how can you not ask us how many friends we have (then she asked whether my parents are inviting any friends and I said no – we are having a small wedding, so my parents opted out of inviting friends – and then she called my parents weird, and that it’s ridiculous that they can’t invite their friends).
Anyways, then FH and FMIL started to argue, because FH did not swallow FMIL’s condescending tone too well (as usual), and FMIL did not swallow FH’s “talking back” behavior too well, and then she scolded me for “making a face” (I kept a “poker face”, and she was irritated that I didn’t have a friendlier face), then the night ended with FMIL yelling “you can’t have happy marriage without parents”.
Her list of demands (and FH and my thoughts) were:
1. Moms will meet before wedding (we want the parents + us to meet)
2. FDIL will pay respect to the FILs and their relatives in traditional Korean way (this is a separate cost, and FH is highly against it)
3. There will be dowery/money tradition (we didn’t want money issue, which is why we are paying for our own wedding – we do not want this)
4. Give them spots for their friends (we can try to increase few seats, but it sounded like she has a lot more people than what FH and I can afford)
I understand where her thoughts are coming from – she’s very traditional, even more so than people in Korea these days. FILs also has the tendancy of “my way or the highway” idea, which is probably why she is appalled by what we are doing (which is the non-traditional, “American” way). Everything we are doing is not “different” but plain “wrong”, because she does not understand it – and refuses to undertand.
Honestly, I would’ve accepted her #1, 2, and 4 demands with no problem (though FH has different opinion), had she been more accepting of us, our relationship, and our engagement. I cannot believe that she wants to “forget the past” just like that and then claim that she did not know of our engagement. March experience was extremely traumatizing one for me, but she obviously doesn’t think much of it (FH told me that to her, it was probably the usual family “conversation” but a bit louder).
But aside from all that – I just can’t believe how FMIL said she wasn’t aware of our engagement, when she gave my ring a death glare back in March and specifically told us that she does not accept the engagement!
We are only about 3 months away from our wedding now, and now it feels like we are back to point zero where we have to re-plan our wedding….