- 5 years ago
I used to be a waiting bee, I watched myself move from #297 to #9 on the waiting list! I did not get engaged and that was one of the biggest blessings in my life! I was in relationship from ages 27- almost 31 and I was convinced that this man was the love of my life! In my mind at the time I just needed him to propose so we could have an exciting married life together, because Marriage would solve all of our problems! Being chosen by him to be his wife would give me validation and prove that I was worthy!!!
I was in an abusive relationship full of deciet, cheating, betrayal, put downs and the complete undermining of all that I was trying to accomplish in life. I was anxious and depressed and I thought everything was my fault! I was conditioned by this “soul mate” of mine to jump through impossible hoops and tolerate increasingly abusive behavior so I would be rewarded with the engagement ring that was never coming! It was always just around the bend, like everything else my abuser promised me yet failed to deliver.
I left that relationship 18 months ago and my life has improved tremendously! I learned how to love myself, respect myself and treat myself well! I no longer look outside for validation, happiness, or my worth! I went though intensive therapy and still take lexapro and work on my self care daily. At first I was terrified to seek mental health treatment because I thought that would mean that my abuser was right and I was crazy and undeserving of love or respect. I’m so glad I overcame that hurdle and rebuilt my self esteem and my life from the ground up!
Now I have a vision board on my pinterest and slowly but surely am creating a life that includes everything on it. I do yoga, surf, and am training for roller derby. I’m back in school for dual bachelors degrees, my career is taking off! I’ve been doing awesome diy projects on my condo to turn it into my dream place. I adopted a puppy last month and am raising her with my son. My son is doing awesome in school and life! I’m cooking healthy meals, reading great books for a book club, writing a blog, doing crafts. I’ve built a really solid support network of amazing girlfriends.
I’ve also been dating a truly great guy who supports me 100%, never makes me feel bad about myself and has been incredibly patient with my need to take things very slow, my mistakes on the path to healing from abuse, and the fear of commitment that has arisen in me since I was abused. He waited for me and dated noone else for 6 months while I engrossed myself in therapy because I didnt want to bring bricks from the old relationship into the new one. I told him it was fine for him to date others but he didnt want to. I love him for who he is, not how he makes me feel. I want him to be happy weather that is with me or not. I know I will also be happy with or without him. He is talking marriage and I’m afraid a little, but also excited. I’m not in a rush because now I know that creating a healthy relationship based on trust, honesty and respect means more to me at this point in my life than being married does. I used to want a man to save me (which lead me into an abusive stuation). Now I’m thrilled I found one who held my hand while I saved myself!
I’m sure most of you bees in waiting are in healthy relationships and will create healthy marriages at the right time. For the few who are anxious and depressed, get treatment its worth it and so are you. I know that even in a solid relationship waiting can make you doubt your worth, so work on yourself not to get the guy but for your own well-being. If you feel crazy or that you have to work for the ring then please read about emotional abuse, psychological abuse, covert emotional manipulation, love-bombing, gaslighting, etc!
I’m at the point in my journey where I want to empower women so I decided to finally come back and share my story. If this helps even one woman find her way out of an abusive relationship or simply find her worth inside herself then it is worth it. Good luck bees! I love seeing you all get engaged, or sometimes realize that its not the right relationship for you.