(Closed) Update Girlfriend Purgatory, Dating for 6.5 years, had the blues this year

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

He’s giving you all the answers you need. 

No one wants to marry a depressed-sloppy-Sue. What’s wrong with taking care of yourself and doing hobbies that you love regardless of whether he marries you or not??

show him who you truly are and be happy to be with him.

In one month revisit the question of time towards marriage and kids; and be sure to get a hard answer on the timeline for both.

…I would decided then if it’s something I could live with waiting for or not.

Post # 3
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I think you should go out and have fun and enjoy life.  Talk about a timeline with him and don’t worry about what isn’t happening until it’s over.  Then assess your relationship and whether you want to stay or go. 

Post # 4
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think most people would agree that everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  Making someone else responsible for your happiness sucks the life out of them, it’s too much responsibility.  He obviously sees value in you and seeks your happiness (but doesn’t want to be responsible for it).  He cares enough to ask, help you, and give you suggestions to support this down period of your life without hightailing it out of there.

I’d say if you can’t learn to be happy he’s not going to ask.  He may never ask but he obviously cares for you a great deal.  I think you should seek professional help for your depression.  Unless he’s an unusually highly intuitive man you’re probably pretty depressed most of the time and it’s getting a bit old.  Please seek help.  It will show him how much you value him and his concerns. 

Post # 5
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I’d be pretty insulted that he wouldn’t give you an answer and instead told you to try to be different for a month and “just have fun”, when the cause of your distress was the uncertainty he caused by not giving you an answer. Aside from that, telling a depressed person to be happy isn’t very helpful. 

As I see it, there are two options here: 1) Leave. Move on and look for someone who can commit to you in a timely manner. 6.5 years is a long time and if he does want to marry you, then that should be you in all your fullness – which includes the good times and the bad. His foot dragging coupled with the age difference really make me question whether he ever intends to marry you. 2) If you want to stay, talk to him again and ask him to agree upon a timeline for engagement within a short timeframe, and leave if he doesn’t follow through.

He does have one good point though: you should get out there and see friends more, cultivate your own hobbies, and work on your own happiness. Waiting for after you’re married to go to the gym or whatever else isn’t a healthy attitude. As PPs have said, you do need to take control of your life and your happiness, with him or without him. It’s not something that can be accomplished in a month, but I do think you could begin taking steps to improve yourself – like seeking therapy. 

Post # 6
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

If my gf was feeling down all the time, that wouldn’t give me any incentives to propose. I’d want her to be happy and enjoy being with me when I propose. Would you propose to someone who doesn’t show any interest in their life anymore or you?

If anything, your bf has been very patient with your behaviour. Cheer up. Be happy. Do it for your health.

Post # 7
Member
10225 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
Mariposies123 :  

 “What I’d  like for you to do for the next ONE MONTH is to try be as happy as you can be. And not just do activities with me, but also your friends, do your arts and crafts like you used to, anything that makes you happy. And have fun with me too, I feel like we haven’t   had much fun together lately.”

This kind of thing is just  about the most useless and,  frankly ,  fucking counterproductive thing  a depressed person can have said to them imho. If you could be happy to order  , no one would be depressed  .

That  said, you do need to do  something   , but for your  own sake in the final analysis. Start with things that are useful to him too,  but don’t expect him to ‘make ‘you happy.

I’m not one for advocating therapy for everything  , but I had a year of depression once  and  therapy and medication was the  only thing to kick start me. 

Post # 8
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee

Awe Bee…big hugs. You are suffering from depression.  Trying to “be happy” for a month isn’t going to work and will make you more resentful. 

Try to reach out to a counselor or therapist if you can. You deserve to have someone help you out with how you’ve been feeling.  

You are not getting what you want from this relationship so you need to make some changes. It’s not cool for him to make a happiness 30 day “deal”(wtf) He should care about how your really feeling and not asking you to pretend and just cover it up. That’s not sustainable and doesn’t solve anything. 

I personally think you should listen and honor your own feelings in this relationship. Your miserable and your 50% of this partnership so if it’s not working for you….I think you should leave. Did you know you get a say in all this? Staying with someone who strings you along is a decision. I wish you all the best. 

Post # 9
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would go out, have some fun, maybe you’ll neet someone worth marrying.

Post # 10
Member
3561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You are suffering from depression. And although right now you think that being married is the solution, or having kids is the solution, I just do not think that is the case. Getting married will not solve these problems. It won’t help you to get on track with caring for yourself. 

Seek therapy. Get help for yourself. A man and a ring are not responsible for your happiness. Your BF obviously loves you, but he does not know how to treat your depression (and again, a wedding isn’t going to do that either). 

Post # 11
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

marriage is good times and bad- being happy for a month?! This man is manipulating you! He didn’t give you an answer about marriage, he diverted the conversation. Get out of this relationship, it’s toxic.

Post # 12
Member
3864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You are responsible for your own happiness. That’s not to say that what others day and do can’t impact your mood or feelings, but you can’t make someone else responsible for your happiness. At some point, they will fail. No one can make someone else happy all the time. I think you should go speak with a counselor. Getting married generally exacerbates whatever problems or issues exist in a relationship, it doesn’t cure or fix those problems. If the relationship overall is unsatisfying for you, then you need to consider the fact that maybe it’s time to move on. If you want to stay together, find a professional to work through your feelings of depression with.

Post # 13
Member
5633 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
elderbee :  this. Exactly this. Telling someone with depression to snap out of it for a month is useless. 

OP of it does in fact make you feel better then go for it. But self care and therapy should be started for you now. Not for him. Then later decide if you would accept his proposal should he ask. You’re got a say in this future too. 

All in all getting treatment for depression is going to be the bear thing you can do for yourself. Take care. Keep us posted. 

Post # 14
Member
13735 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You need to take responsibility for your own choices. If anyone had ever strung me along like that I’d be long gone. While you sound depressed, some of that is no doubt being triggered. I think counseling or a doctor’s visit is in order there. It’s even possible you’ll find that it’s you who is not ready to get married to this person. 

However, he’s had more than enough time to know if he wants to marry you. After 6.5 years I would not go on 30 day trial for anyone. Does he get his money back too? How incredibly offensive. 

Post # 15
Member
3820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Oh boy. You’re depressed because he hasn’t proposed, and he hasn’t proposed because he doesn’t know what is going on with you! I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is actually trying to help you but is just clueless about how. Telling you to ‘just be happy’ is …not helpful to say the least. And on your end, you seem to have pushed your whole life to ‘after we’re married’, which is clearly not going to work. 

It’s a tough one because after 6.5 he should know whether he wants to marry you. And he should love you depressed or not. But at the same time, from his point of view your personality has changed this year so it’s understandable to be hesitant about proposing in such a scenario. 

You should see a therapist about your depression and see where things go from there. He will probably need to mental health education too as he has no idea! It may be that you can recover a bit, and then have the engagement discussion again. One where you say ‘I want to get engaged now. Do you want that too?’ 

The topic ‘Update Girlfriend Purgatory, Dating for 6.5 years, had the blues this year’ is closed to new replies.

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