Update Girlfriend Purgatory, Dating for 6.5 years, had the blues this year

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Mariposies123 :  

Congratulations.  You are now on 30 day probation.

If you’re a good little girl between now and your birthday, you can ride the pink unicorn that poops skittles, too.

The PP nailed it—you’re suffering from depression.  Telling people with depression to ‘act happier’ is pointless at best, completely invalidating at worst.

He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, he’s just not enjoying your relationship much.

Just know that until the depression is brought under control, nothing in your life will work right. You absolutely have to tackle the depression issue first.

Post # 17
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Mariposies123 :  

It sounds to me like you’re unhappy because you’ve pushed the responsibilty for your happiness on to somebody else (YOU are the only person who can truly make you happy). If your situation with your SO makes you as unhappy as you say then you should take steps to remove yourself from the situation (and this is your responsibility). Either walk now or set a final walk date for yourself and walk then.

But your outlook definitely seems very unhealthy. There is no reason on earth why your situation with him precludes you from going an getting a pumpkin on the weekend or from having fun with your friends. 

Post # 18
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper

Mariposies123 :  Honey, with all due respect, Mr. Bee is an ass. Too many Bees (myself included) have at one time or another drank the kool-aid on his condescending wisdom. 

And you do sound depressed. I know waiting can suck, but you sound depressed in a general sense, describing less energy, self-medicating with food. And it’s not healthy or reasonable to put off wanting to take better care of yourself until after you get married, you deserve to start working on a happier future for yourself now. 

As for your boyfriend, he may mean well, but he hasn’t the faintest fucking clue how depression works- you wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to just start walking as if it’s something that can be magically cured if they’d just put their mind to it. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he thinks he’s helping you but doesn’t know how- because I’m giving him the hard side-eye on telling you you’ll get a proposal if you can be a shiny, happy girlfriend for 30 days. So what, if you ‘slip up’ -aka feel depressed or even so much as exhibit other human emotions like being upset or angry at something during the month, you don’t get proposed to?!?! 

I would recommend you see your family doctor, get a complete blood workup in case there are other contributing factors causing you to be depressed, and ask for a referral to a therapist. If your boyfriend TRULY means well, he’ll go to a few of these sessions with you and learn more about depression instead of dangling a proposal in front of you like a carrot or a child trying to earn a gold star. 

Post # 19
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Peachytalk :  I was thinking the same thing.  If it’s true depression I’m not sure just trying to ‘cheer up’ is helpful.  At least for me, it takes a lot more than that for me to snap out of it (therapy, medication, support system, etc.) and sometimes it takes longer than a month.

That said, I 100% agree with others that you shouldn’t put your life on hold until you’re married.  You’re worth doing the things now that make you happy.  Not to mention I worry that by pushing everything off you could be heading toward a place where you magically expect everything to be better when you’re married when in reality, a lot of things will be the same.  I can also see where your boyfriend may be looking at what your life is like now and worrying that this is what he is signing up for forever.

Post # 20
Member
7852 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Mariposies123 :  Um no, fuck this guy. I would be so done. The whole reason you’re unhappy is because you are unsure whether the man you’ve given 6.5 yrs of your life is on the same page as you about the future. You’re worried you are more invested than him, that he’s still unsure about you. This type of thing would wreck anyone’s joy and self esteem.

Bee, this relationship–not anything else–is RUINING your happiness. It is making you a shell of the person you used to be. The only way you’re going to be able to get back your mojo is if you leave him, since it’s clear he has no intention to propose. It is better to be alone than to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. TRUST MEEE…been there fuckin done that, never again! 

Post # 21
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

I was in your position with my ex. I wasn’t happy anymore. I didn’t do things I loved anymore. I went to therapy. She said there is something called “situational depression” – you’re in a particular situation that causes depression, a very common one is when people lose their job and are out of work, then when they get a job and back at work and they’re not really depressed anymore. Maybe you are “situationally depressed” – the feelings of “worthlessness” and “not being good enough to marry” are making you depressed, not being in control of your life, feeling like your partner doesn’t really care if the relationship continues or progresses, not getting what you want or need emotionally from the relationship, all of this would lead to depressed state. You dont want to do things with HIM anymore because you resent him and he wont do what YOU need from him. About a year after getting out of the relationship you would feel great again. The beginning is tough but if you stick with it, I promise you that you will feel better with a new man that just loves you and makes you feel like they would never risk losing you. I don’t know that the feelings of resentment go away once they finally dane to ask. Go read the 23 page thread on waiting resentment where she said no because she realized irreparable damage had been done.

Post # 22
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Pretending to not be depressed for a month will not make things better. What happens when he doesn’t propose soon after (because we all know he isn’t going to)?

It’s true that working on a better outlook will help, but you need to do so in a productive way and not as part of a 30-day probation (to use sassy411‘s term).

Find someone to talk to and get to the root of your lethargy. As RobbieAndJuliahaha suggested, you might want to start with your doctor to rule out a physical illness or hormonal imbalance. Your doctor can also help you with finding a therapist if that seems daunting right now. 

Forget your boyfriend’s request and work on meaningful recovery. If he won’t support you while you’re seeking legitimate help then it’s time to cut him loose. It might even be time for that already.

ETA: I agree with pixxiefox that this could very well be situational depression caused by feelings of helplessness and resentment in your relationship. Hopefully a therapist can figure this out with you.

Post # 23
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’ve been struggling with depression too. Different reasons but that’s probably not relevant.  

Recently I discovered the book “the depression cure” by Stephen Ilardi. It’s very informative and helpful. He also has done a few Ted Talks and YouTube videos. Maybe it’ll help you regain control of your life. I don’t profit from mentioning him, just wanted to share. 

I personally feel that relationships should improve your life and bring you joy. And your SO should make you feel cherished. Yours is currently doing the opposite. Recently a bee mentioned some kind of 30 day plan herself. Might I suggest it? Get a physical printed calendar. At the end of each day, reflect back and think “did my relationship make my day better?” Mark it with an X if so.then jot down how you felt in the calendar. After a month, have a look at it all. See what happens. Maybe a journal would be better, but having large Xs staring back at you for can be the eye opener you need.  

Post # 24
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Mariposies123 :  He’s dangling a carrot in front of you, and that’s not fair. You’re depressed because you’re waiting for him to make up his mind.

I’m struggling with depression right now. My Dad died six months ago, two months before my wedding. Do you think I was all bubbly about that day? No. I was excited to marry hubs, but I was depressed and anxious about my Dad not being there, and dealing with everyone. I had some really great comments at the funeral in regards to my wedding. Luckily, most of those people weren’t on the guest list.

Point is, everyone goes through ups and downs in life. This guy seems to only want you when you’re happy. But what happens later in life when you guys go through some truly terrible shit?

I’d go out and have some fun by yourself, and meet someone else.

Post # 25
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

endlessloop :  I agree. I think many people are unrealistic about unconditional love. If the shoe was on the other foot and the guy didn’t want to do certain fun activities until after having children, I wonder how many bees would feel the same.  There is a huge difference between staying with someone in the hopes that things will get better (even if it takes years) and giving a lifetime commitment even if they don’t.

Post # 26
Member
2660 posts
Sugar bee

 

Oh honey–NO.  Conditions and a performance review?   RUN

Post # 27
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee give us a shout out when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired…obviously you’re not there yet.  Why do you like being a masochist?

Post # 28
Member
955 posts
Busy bee

I’m not at all a fan of his “try to be happy for 30 days” response to your depressed state.  You brought up a real, legitmate concern… and he blew you off and tried to mollify you by looking at rings.  Bee, he has had YEARS to propose.  If the two of you have spoken about this before with no results,  why are you still hanging around?  You’ve pushed yourself to the brink of misery in a long term relationship… and the relationship is one where you don’t feel free to openly express yourself.  Given his reaction, no wonder.  

Post # 29
Member
995 posts
Busy bee

This is off to me. I learned that you gotta love your own company before you can be with someone else. Sounds like you are getting by just with yourself… All based on the fact that you want to get married before life can continue. 

 

I am in the same boat. Once we get married its TTC time immediately. So I have to wait for a proposal.. Then I could careless if we go to the courthouse. I got a timeline from my guy and it sounds reasonable. But no reason to be a bore and let myself go till everything pans out. 

 

Another thought is… why let yourself go till you get married? If and when that finally happens you may not even be in a good condition to concieve or get pregnant. So keep yourself up. That is what I am trying to do… get in shape before marriage so im not as crappy out of shape like I am now.

Post # 30
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Agree with PP that this Mr.Bee is a horrible and that this is “situational depression”.

How nice of him to take you to Costco to look at rings just to tease you with what you COULD have if you were just better, happier, better to live with. If you would just FIX YOURSELF then **maybe** he would be willing to think about marrying you. AFTER 6.5 YEARS.
girl what are you doing? You know you want marriage and kids and instead you’re wasting your precious years on this loser.
He doesn’t want to marry you. Actions speak louder than words and if a man is serious about you and making you happy, he will do whatever it takes. This isn’t the first time you’ve told him what is important to you. He is deflecting and your falling for it.

Take a month but take it as a SINGLE woman who knows her worth, see a therapist, and never settle for less than you KNOW you deserve.

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